back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.

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anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.

meds

so, my new cocktail is as follows:

Prescriptions

  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed

 

think I’m on enough pills….?

a more substantial update

a lot of changes have occurred in my life recently. even just within the last month, much more in the last six months or even year.

 

finances

life is tough financially again. but nothing terrible.

I let Brian talk me into taking my car to the shop. to be fair, the tire rods were loose and my oil was leaking substantially. but that put us our well over $1300 or so.

we’re going home for Christmas, so that’s gonna cost us. you know, I only just realised that most people may have led with that as a major topic. or at least mentioned it in the former brief update. but meh; I’m not looking forward to it.

Brian is very excited to go, though. so that’s why I’m bothering. I just got this job and I’m already requesting several days in a row off. plus, it means my being awkward around his dad’s side of the family and my having to put up with my family. it also meant figuring out wtf to do with Zero. and guess who was going to end up arranging all of this — the very person who had no interest in this occurring. it was very frustrating.

anyway. so that is several thousands of dollars. Dad is helping us to fly Zero, Brian’s grandmother sent us some money, and Brian’s mum is helping us a lot. but still … so much money, all for me to be so miserable.

 

physical health

I’m back over 170lbs. but I’ve started working out everyday, and I’m choosing meals and quantities more wisely. it’s too cold for me to bike, so I’ve been weight lifting and trudging on the dreadmill.

a very large art of me wants to go to the running store not far from here and inquire about winter running. the times in the past when I best kept to my workouts were when I invested financially into them — gym membership, purchase of free weights, signing up for an adventure run, etc. maybe buying winter gear would help me get into gear. I know I would feel so badass saying I was a winter runner!

but then again, money….

 

mental health

ah, the big beasty topic. how am I doing inside my noggin? surprisingly well, actually. having the job and becoming more competent at it is helping. having to brainstorm for this RPG, I think, is helping too. I recently purchased a portable sun lamp; I basically live in front of it, lol. and as mentioned in the previous post, I have a group of friends; we’re not individually friends, but I like the group. there is a second group that I may like, but hanging out with them will prove to be more difficult, simply because of the differences between their lifestyles, the lifestyle I want, and the lifestyle Brian wants for me.  but we’ll see.

another year

I will have been alive for 30 years as of tomorrow.  the current average life expectancy for both males and females is about 78 years.  I like to be liberal and take off a few years due to my general stupidity and possibly brain damage via concussions, lol.  but even so, even if we say 70 years, I’m more than halfway through my life.  this is comforting in the fact that this shit is probably at least half over.

but this is depressing, as I’m at halfway through and still have no clue what the hell I’m doing.  sure, no one ever really “gets” Life or masters it.  but I don’t rightly care.  I’m not comparing myself to them; I’m comparing myself to me.  and I’m no better now than I was few years ago; in fact, I think I’m worse than I was ten years ago.  at least during my college years I was still in school and learning; I had a semblance of a purpose.

but now, I don’t even had a sail or a rudder, much less a plan.

I want that to end.  I’ve been making very big, positive steps to get Better —   mentally/emotionally: I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist; I’m going to group therapy; I’m taking my medication regularly.  physically: I’m working out regularly again; I’m on great meds for my pain and sleep; I’m drinking much less, and have cut out the harder drinks.  professionally: I’m doing mediocre at job hunting; I’m taking steps to getting my car and license back; I’ve doing well about getting back onto the SNAP program; I’m spending less money in general.  et cetera, et cetera.  hell, amid all this, I even got back on the Nerd Fitness forums (which often helped me a lot).

I’m just scared of the inevitable Down again.  it seems like my Downswings are always more stark than my Ups.  that leads to a general decline, which is not cool.

anyway, I want to see about stopping this.  I want to start having a better approach to life, a better view of what’s going on now and what’s to come.  this means making both short-term and long-term plans and goals.

most people do annual reviews during December and January.  my birthday is right at the end of summer; it’s not an arbitrary date for me, so I’ll adopt it for my transition period.  so in the next post or two, I’ll put up what I hope to be the start of my annual “Annual Review”.  ::crosses fingers hopefully::

but back to my birthday.  I don’t really know what Brian’s going to do.  he already gave me one gift — plastic goggles (for when I’m chopping onions, cleaning with bleach, or changing the cat litter).  he knows I like useful gifts, so yeah.  I’m pretty sure I know the other thing he’s getting me (no spoilers).  we talked about cooking a fancy dinner together, then dressing up and eating the dinner at the kitchen table — save money, instead of going out to eat.  I have a feeling that’s going to be a disaster.  maybe I’m being pessimistic because we had a tiff last night that wasn’t resolved, so I slept on the couch; of course, he awoke butt-hurted this morning because I never came to bed.  so we’re at odds right now.

I just feel so alone up here.  so I feel like I want to celebrate my birthday alone.  I want to spend a day or two being INCREDIBLY PRODUCTIVE, and just call that my gift to myself, The End.  but we’ll see what he decides tonight….

delayed posts

below are some posts I typed up on my tablet/netbook, but never managed to submit to WordPress.  ugh; I gotta get better about that, lol.

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