between granite and cement

it’s hard right now. I have control issues; we all know this. but the current situation is wildly out control — and in general, not just out of my control.

I relied on an otherwise competent person to talk to people to whom he’s related (yeah, the anonymity’s lost now, lol) to get information on a potential solution to a rather large problem we have. he did not collect sufficient info from his father, and he apparently did not collect any info from his uncle.

and now we are stuck living (albeit temporarily) either in a situation we do not want or w people we’d rather not. we’re now chosing between a very small space w no internet and no Zero vs living w my parents.

had he collected sufficient information ahead of time, we’d be more empowered in this delimma. as it stand, however, he’s just put us into a tight corner.

I have been so angry w him over the last month or so. it just seems like one thing after another, one ball dropped and then another.

I’m trying to be as strong for and patient w him as he is for and w me. but he’s not making it easy.

2019-Q4 Review

as many of you may know, I do a personal Quarterly Review every three month. the most recent one was eight pages and quite in-depth. don’t worry! I’m not just copy-pasting it here, as that’s a lot to read. (also privacy reasons, lol.) instead, I’ll create some groups/categories and summarize my shit in there.

Fitness/Health

I’ve been so-so with this one. I’ve been going to my various physical and emotional/mental doctors as directed and took all my pills as prescribed. probably once every two to three weeks, I’d forget a single dose. though this was true for most of 2019, I just wanted to point it out, as that’s leaps and bounds above where I used to be — mostly thanks to Brian.

to those wondering (and who even knew), I’m still sober. meanwhile, to those out of the loop, I stopped drinking back in August 2018. it’s actually been a lot smoother ride than I thought it would have been. so yay, something was “easy” in my life for once!!

weight-wise, things went on a pleasant downhill. on the morning of 10/01/2019, I was 175 lbs (35.4% body fat). then as of the morning of 01/01/2020, I was 166.2 lbs (33.6%). in 13 weeks and 1 day (or 92 days total), I lost 8.8 lbs– an average of 0.67 lbs per week (or 0.10 lbs a day). I’m okay with that. a lot of generic or online programs have you choose between losing 0.5 or 1.0 lbs a week, so 0.67 lbs a week is just fine by me. 😀 ….sorry, went a little OCD with the numbers there, lol.

anyway, I think things overall were good.

Team Ow

nothing much stood out here. Team Ow (Brian, James, and Zero) are doing fine as a team/unit.

the end of this Quarter found Brian and I being together for 9 years, 5 months, and 12 days — which, OMG. how has someone put up with my crap for so long … by choice?! and then how did I not get bored with the same human yet? wtf.

meanwhile, it found Zero at an age of 10 years, 3 months, and 7 days. mah ol’ man. XD but he’s still as freakin’ spry as ever. like, annoyingly so, lol.

Family

boy, this is a fun one.

as some of you know — my father became somewhat paralyzed in his right side and had to have emergency brain surgery to drain out the bleeding on both sides of his head. O_O and he apparently had one of the best brain surgery recoveries the workers on hand had seen. by the next day, he was already moving things again. so thanks to whatever Power helped us out there — even if it was just my father’s pure stubbornness.

some other family member attempted suicide right around the same time. that was … difficult. but honestly, not as much as Dad’s stuff.

other than that, family is all about the same.

Friends and Folk in Louisiana

we went home in July for two main reasons — 1] Sheila and Will were finally getting married; and 2] Brian’s grandmother’s 90th birthday bash might be the last family gathering they’d have. meanwhile, we had scheduled a shindig for while down there to see all our other folk.

AND THEN FREAKIN’ HURRICANE BARRY HIT. like, wtf. the birthday party was cancelled, the wedding was moved (to a day in which I could not attend), and our shindig was somewhat brief. seriously, what. the. fuck.

Writing, D&D, and Other Hobbies

I didn’t do NaNo this year. that was right after my dad’s surgery and some other shit, so it was just a really bad time. I really did not write much. I hope planned efforts for 2020-Q1 will change that pattern.

Brian continued running D&D for his brother, my mum, and me. I started looking into running Nobilis for Brian, Mum, and Daminelle; though nothing has actively come of that yet.

meta knowledge, but we finally sent out 2019 Holiday Cards … in the middle of January 2020. D: oi vey. we were not timely this year, lol. anyway. in the cards was an unnecessarily lengthy yet somehow still brief recap of our year. we kept busy!!

meanwhile, I’ve once again become a go-to pet- and house-sitter. that really makes me happy. I enjoy doing it. I love meeting all the critters. I like seeing new homes. oh, and helping people and/or getting paid, food, and/or gifts ain’t that bad either, lol.

Employment

as a reminder, back in July I had left the law firm and started as the Executive Admin Asst for the CEO of a single-family investment firm. still trucking along there. it’s just temp work, but I continue to enjoy it.

A Few Questions

and now, a few recap’ing questions. overall…

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Well?

Christmas went well. we went to a friend’s place for the first time (was also the first time we weren’t alone up here for Christmas) and played a new game that Mum and Dad just got us.

legit, Dad healing up as quickly as he did was awesome!

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Poorly?

the investment firm informed me they wanted me to stay on as temp worker instead of moving into a permanent salary role. that really sucked.

To What Am I Looking Forward about 2020-Q1?

I keep crossing my fingers about our getting out of the frigid north, lol.

winter is also on the decline by this point. yay!!

distracted from the Darkness

I have been having something scheduled for almost everyday.  back to my old “keep busy to distract the Mind” trick.  because when I’m not doing something, when I don’t have music or work or people to distract me, my thoughts get Dark again.  “I wonder what would happen if I drove into oncoming traffic.”  “I wonder how long of a fall it is off that bridge.”  “I wonder it would feel like to have my wrists slit open.”  Dark, dangerous thoughts.

thoughts I will not act on, granted.  at least, not while properly medicated.  and this is why I take my medication.  this is why I have such a cocktail that I must take — to keep from obeying the Dark thoughts.

because life is generally pointless.  I’m an American, and I’m watching my country fall apart at the hands of a bigoted piece of shit.  who, mind you, is also trying to start a war with another country.  hurricanes and earthquakes are destroying this continent.  and that’s just the fun stuff on a large scale.

everyday, people are hurting others.  sure, there’s a lot of good stuff and “pay it forwards” that happen too, and these just don’t show up in the stories as often.  I understand that; I took journalism classes.  however, I can’t handle the input of only negative shit every day.

and then there’s the Darkness in my mind, a force that somehow prevents me from experiencing joy sometimes.  a power that mutates comments into insults and gazes into glares.  a force that has me totally retracting from my partner for fear of worsening his life.

yeah, that’s the third level.  the personal level.  I can’t recall what exactly set it off, or if it was a single thing at all.  but I’ve started pushing Brian away some.  I don’t really know what to say on this matter.  I just feel like trusting him make me weak, and I need to stand on my own some.  I’ve become a limp noodle.  I need to act as if there is no net beneath me.

I have no witty or insightful closing for this post.  I’m tired and hungry, and I can’t think.  so I’ll end just like this.

back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.

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anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.

meds

so, my new cocktail is as follows:

Prescriptions

  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed

 

think I’m on enough pills….?