congrats to you, Reader!

 

somehow, we made it everyone.

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been MIA from here for a while. I just don’t want to Exist. And stuff like my blog keep me chained down. I mean, that’s kinda the point — to keep me grounded when I start floating away or (as is now) sinking below. but that doesn’t mean I like it.

the weekend is almost here.  I never had issues with weekends being “too short” until this job.  at the library, I loved what I did.  here, I like it well enough.  but I enjoy not being restricted to this office.  so I dunno.

in other news, my parents and baby bro (by “baby” I merely mean “younger” — he’s 27 XD) are coming into town to visit in the middle of June.  I think I’m actually really excited about it.  😀  I’ll be exhausted once they leave, I know.  but I’m excited for them to come up here.

more than anything, I’m excited for something different.

I keep making plans on the weekends and after work to keep me interested in life.  but all it is doing is making me exhausted.  so again, I dunno.

I wanna do another DITL — “Day in the Life” is a little internet fun thing wherein you take photos of an average day for you.  coffee if you have it every morning, gym if you go regularly, your work station, etc.  it’s fun.  and it makes me be present and in the moment more during the day, so as to decide if something is worth adding to the collection.   then you post your collection on your blog, your tumblr, your Instgram, Facebook, etc.  anyone else interested in doing one with me?  we don’t have to coordinate on exactly the same day.  but knowing that someone is expecting it will keep me accountable.  :3

I suppose that’s really all for now.  I just wanted to congratulate myself and everyone reading this for making it to another Thursday.  good job, y’all!  🙂

“A Star Called Home”

my good friend Marina Landry has a freshly published sci-fi romance book running around entitled A Star Called Home, and I’m here to spread the news!  Amazon’s summary is as follows:

Jul Kisling’s heart aches for the homeless children living beyond her office window. Her father, Chancellor of the Third Quadrant of Akila, refuses to use his power to help them. Frightened but determined, Jul secretly searches for transportation to bring some of the children to a newly-colonized planet.

I haven’t finished reading it yet, so I can’t do a proper review.  in lieu, here’s an interview she did with the publishers on their Facebook page.  😀  give it look-see, if’n you don’t mind.  I’d really appreciate, and I know she would too!  (oh, and here’s a link to her personal webpage, as well.)

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obligatory pre-holiday post

holidays are hard for many people, even the not Crazy ones.  but we Nutters, it’s usually worse.  many of us survive because of patterns and systems we’ve created and adapted that ensure we take our medications, see our doctors, refrain from stabbing people, etc.  holidays defenestrate* all sense of stability.  also, you’re around your family a lot.  and Crazy is very genetic.  so you’re then combining Crazies, Nutters, Batshitters, and all other types of insanity.

here’s the plans for my personal holiday experiences:  Brian, Zero, and I fly out of Minnesota Friday afternoon.  (yes, Zero is flying with us.  we’re doping him up, first.)  Friday night, his dad’s side of the family will be picking us up from the airport.  at some point, my father will collect Zero, the latter staying at my parents’ the whole time.  Friday and Saturday nights, Brian and I will sleep at his dad’s in the spare bedroom; Sunday and Monday nights, we’ll be at my parents’ on their fold-out couch in the living room.  Saturday is Christmas with his dad’s side of the family; Sunday, it’s with his mother’s.  Monday morning is Christmas with my family; Monday night, a select few friends are invited to a shindig.  then we dope up Zero again in the wee hours of Tuesday morning while my parents take us back to the airport.  Wednesday, I took off work as well, to recoup.

so.  it’s going to be a busy few days for us.  so how do I plan on minimizing the stabbing of loved ones and “other” ones?  as follows:

  1. continue taking my medications as per their schedule: morning, as soon as I wake; afternoon, when I have lunch; night, a few hours before bed.
  2. if I feel my Crazies setting in or my Anxiety about to go off, Brian and I will go take a walk outside.
  3. I have permission to leave a situation that makes me uncomfortable or unhappy, even if it involves my family.
  4. I don’t have to pretend to be somebody I’m not — Brian’s family is Safe; my family knows me; my friends who are invited Mon night are Safe.
  5. I will try to journal at least a little each day.  this will force me to take some time away from everyone to breathe and, in some cases, even reflect.  said entries may not be posted to the public; but I will at least write.

I think if I can keep to the above, things should go well enough.  ::crosses fingers::  I’m hoping so, at least.

 

*defenestration is my favourite word.  it is the act of throwing something or someone out a window — de-, of out; and fenestra, Latin for window.  I love it!  😀  arguments exist about defenestrate itself being a word; as a descriptive linguist, I support that it is.

today was surprisingly not-bad

as the afore entry stated, my court appointment went as good as I could have expected. better actually, because I didn’t have to wait to talk to the judge, lol.

but more than just that, today was actually what one might call “a good day”.

before court, Mum made french toast for Dad and me; and we three watched goofy videos until it was time to leave. during this, I was also making calls and setting up new job interviews for next week. before, during, and after court, everyone was in tolerable and even — dare I say it — pleasant moods.

afterwards, we three swung by the newly remodeled public library’s main branch. it’s excellent. they did a great job.

next, since we were so close, we swung by my former place of employment to say hey. I plan to go back by tomorrow to spend a little more time actually catching up with everyone.

then we went to pick up Tiger (my baby bro) and his adorable lass. we picked up some pizza (and I, three smoothies from Fruity Smoothie, lol), and headed home. Brian’s mom soon arrived from Baton Rouge, and the lot of us played a game of Munchkin. hilarity ensued.

then it was time for Lucy (Bri’s mom) to head out. mere minutes later, Kiera arrived. the new group played an amazing game of Exploding Kittens. (I am now officially in love with that game. it is a game by The Oatmeal creator that Sean-chan KickStarted.) Dad brought Tiger and his woman home when it was over; Mum, Kiera, and I played one more quick game.

then Kiera and Mum began setting up the former’s brand new massage table, while I quickly rinsed off. and then it was a few hours of heaven as Kiera and I chatted and she worked magic on me, my back and shoulders especially. with so few chiropractic appointment s and not getting any real rest, this was very much needed. then we talked a while more before she eventually left.

and now I’m here, feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally better than I have in several months — despite what today initially was going to be.
so here’s thanks to Mum, Dad, Tiger, Foxie, Lucy, Sean, and Kiera: I’m actually almost glad that I woke up this morning.

massive update

wow. it’s been a while since I went this long without an update. so let’s review everything that’s happened in the last month.

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mobile Xmas recap

in Brian’s car on my cell, so pardon text speach and typos.

Xmas at Bri’s dad’s house last night. dad is federal judge, so rich, intelligent, and high class. all day long, I was doing great at pushing Bri away. many gifts to others invloved alcohol-related items. all but Bri and I were drinking alch. his gram even smokes cigs. his bro’s girlfriend got very tipsy.

I was completely sober — and miserable. always feel out of place there. then w DUI 2 out there and in their knowledgen I just felt like a big bag of fuck ups, shame, and poverish trash.

I lived on my cell, frequenting my two Twitter accounts and chatting w my ana buddies on kik. I’d occasionally reach out to a Recovering peer; but many were either busy w fam and didn’t answer, or simply replied with comments like “stay strong”, “pray on it”, or “it will all be okay”.  and again, I didn’t even have Brian With me.

aforementioned girlfriend was actually my biggest and harshest bully in elementary school. and now she super successful and following lawyer path (much to talk about w Bri dad), owns lostts dogs (Bri stepmom raises and trains show dogs), and went to LSU (as did Bri gram). the girl is still very pretty, intelligent, well off, and presentable. is ideal for this family. all along way, she continues to impress and better engage with everyone.

by the end, I was d-o-n-e.  once got home, I basically told Brian to leave me the fuck alone, hid away in the bathroom with bandages and a blade, and bawled for hours. (mind you never cut or drank.) in between sobs and fits, worked on my Plan on my cell.

eventually he came to check on me. vulnerable and hopeless, I opened up — told him about closing him out and the Plan.

after we made peace w one another, made new plan: call counselors Xmas morn, look up mental facilities, etc. I promised to survive until at least weekend; he finally gets me out bathroom.

in less than seven minutes, he does one more thing accidentally pissing me off. I lose it and hide in bathroom again.  we talk, make additional peace, go to bed.

I can’t write too deeply on this for fear of breaking down in car. maybe and expound later. but was one of my more terrible fits; def one of longest and most hopeless. after Bri last offensen was ready to nix self immediately (but had already put blade upn so couldn’t).

Xmas morn, call counselor (not the dickhead; a diff one). but she doesn’t answer.  I fret, totally suicidal again.  Bri try-ish to calm me.  I offer to call head counselor. he likes plan, so I do. she answer and ask what up. I lose nerve and hand phone to Bri. Brian tries to tiptoe about why we call.  she evntually asks to talk to me directly. (all while she on speakerphone.)  she notnunderstanding severity of situation and me still distraught and para-suicidal, I blurt it all out. she tells me get evalv from hospital immediately. I said will so after all holidays. much back and forth between she and I about what to do and how soon.

after much pleading on both sides, compromise that I check in with her every two hours and do reasearch on favcilities Fri. I bring work sched (so she can figure when I can make more AA/NA Meetings) and facilities research for 4:30 Fri Group.; I also supposed to try make Meeting Fri morn. wtf, but whatever.

so been checking in every two hours.

meanwhile, my fam Xmas this morn was great!! no fightsn great haul, awesome food, wondeful comradery, lots ofnfun and laughs and love. made me sad that I may yet still kill self in 3.5 weeks.

moreover, when told Dad about 3-week extension (tho said to finalize meds, not bc relapse), he was cool about. even offered to loan money again.

honestly, was *too* perfect. was storybook ending to life. my Higher Power is the Story, and this was perfect alignment w a Conclusion. (tho counterpoint is also great setup for Improves Life Plotline.)
(still need to write up explanation of the Story and Writers later.)

anyway. then Xmas evening w Bri mom fam. good at first. but none on that side can make fucking decision!! all so flipflop and wishywash.  could not devide between who sat where, what food plave order from, who picks it up, whose meal was whose, who hands out gifts, what game to play, who scores, what game rules are, etc.  love his mom to death, really do. but dammit, doing anything requiring organization w her stresses me out. know this well bc lived w her for about a year a bit ago.

oh. more on that. Bri and I live Lafayette, LA. his mom Baton Rougen about 1.5 hrs away and trip includes a 14mi bridge over swampland. first, bro Adam had own ride as self from Laf-BR. then was gonna ride w us. somehow mom and Adam still in Lft when we ready to meet them in BR. I meantion Xmas in Lft since all gifts and people already in city. mom not want drive in dark bc one headlight out, so we have to wait for her to drive Adam to BR, then we en route. apparently Adam getting ride BR-Lft w us. so now have to clean backseat out before we leave.  BAH.

anyway, mom side of fam had lots of sweets and fast food. that plus having four energy drinks made for irritable tummy. then with so many ppl in such small space (tiny cluttered house w many large-framed ppl), amxiety started in. add on tired, dopamine all fucked, exhausted, tummy hurt, wanting to nap, etc.– I fell into phone again.

felt bad when finally staryed game and I was in phone. but everytime tried to understand scoring or participate in rules discussion, got overtalked and felt overwhemled and end up neared tears.

hrs later, after a checkin, counselor replied back asking how doing. honest: “still in BR. anxious, exhausted, and totally ready to get up and build a blanket fort.”  counselor ask id we can head home. I show Bri whole text exchange. he agree at end of current game; tell same head counselor so. she ask if I can talk to Bri and leave immediately. I tell her he knows bc read convo. she conceedes.  shortly after, game end and we say goodbyes.  I tell her so; she pleased.

goodbye saidn load up car, Bri drive, me passenger, Adam behind me.  I hide in headphones and begin typing this.  Bri and Adam talk –loudly.  whatever; plan to sleep w music on.

about 10m into car ride home, my phone rings. is Bri mom. asks if Adam has his phone, bc did not answer. ask him. says does. relay msg. then she says Basin (that 14mi bridge w no alternate ways off) is closed at one point.

she tries to talk to me about alternate routes while she also talking to loveable-but-looney sister next to her back in BR, Bri to my left asking questions, Adam behind doing similar and offering other alternate routes, and I who have NO familiarity with area trying to relay all these instructions and requests between everyone. evetually, I start cracking.
“Adam, do you have an alternate route in mind”, I interrupt everyone.
“yeah, on my phonevs gps. but it will add 45m to the drive.” I think fuck itn bc I cant handle this any longer.

I tell mom we have plan and will let her know when back it back in Lft. she okay. hang up. apologise to Adam for my nerves; he so mellow always, so was cool about it.

Bri gets out to gas up while Adam discern route. mom apparently call Adam and they talk. I have miagraine at this point and want to strangle everyone. Bri gets in and loudly asking wuestions to me and Adam while latter still on phone.

I. am losing. my shit. afyer Adam off phone, I offer Adam my passenger seat to have Navigator in front. no answer. not sure if didnt hear, dont care, or ignore me. personally, no fucks any longer given. I run away into headphones.

currently still over 30m from dropping Adam to his car at gf parent house (he and gf live in Texas). then have to get home ourselves. bah! all this while, hyper excited Bri being ALL OF THE FUCKS LOUD RIGHT BESIDE ME. music on full and he still over it. and he cackles sharply and squacks, and making my head worse.

am jst thanking Lord, Jesus, Holy Ghost, Budha, and all pagan gods that is mot a 3- or 5-hr drive. fffff.  SOMEONE WOULD BE MURDERES BY END OF IT.

so I *suppose* survived Xmas. and suppose everyone else in Story does too. but holy fuck, came reeeeeeeeeally close several times. like srsly.

will try to keep updates about rehab and mental hospital and DUI2, also about letting Bri back into life.

also have numerous comments and updates from ppl on both journals and blog. promise is on todo list.

but in meantime, when I get home, FUCK ALL THE WORLD I WANT A HOT BATH W RELAXING MUSIC THEN BED.

quitting the game, surrendering in war

I remember when I went to the mental hospital back in April 2004. I remember my mom talking about now they have no idea how to scold me (I was 17 years old then), for fear of causing me to have an attack or to cut. she was frightened to even approach me sometimes; I could see it.

Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~ Adelle DeWitt

 

and my dad? he told me that until I got out, until things got “back to normal”, everything would have to be about me.

he said it again when I started rehab. that lots of the plans and goals he had for the family and even for his own life, they were going to have to be postponed because everything was going to be about me … again.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I don’t like reaching out. I’m capable of it, but it usually leads to negative effects in the end. and I’m tired of being the cause of bad shit in people’s lives. and in my own life, in regard to depending on others.

and I
am feeling so small.
it was over my head;
I know nothing at all.
and I
will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I also remember when Brian turned it off. when he decided it was time to stop fighting against me. and honestly, truly, I don’t blame him. I long wondered why he put up with it for so long anyway.

say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I remember him being in tears, telling me that — for now — he was done. he was done with it. Brian had decided that he wasn’t going to try to discourage my drinking, because the battle was too exhausting for him; he was tired of fighting.

and I
will swallow my pride.
you’re the one
that I love,
and I’m saying goodbye.

there was a boy many years ago who stole my heart. he helped me in so many ways, and he helped me at the time create myself into who and what I wanted to be. he put me on the right path. everyone considered us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, to be dating — we were carrying out all the dating rituals, even. but it wasn’t technically “official”.

I finally found the nerve to ask him, to make it official. and he said no. my Depression was too strong for him. when I hurt, he hurt. and he was tired of hurting.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
and anywhere, I would have followed you!
say something; I’m giving up on you.

well so the fuck am I. why does everyone else get to quit, everyone else gets to run away. but for them, I have to stay and fight. I have to take on this beast alone. because when I ask for help, when I start to lean, I break them.

hell, an unnamed friend of mine who I’ve known since middle school, she occasionally comments on how she’s impressed that I haven’t broken Brian yet or at least haven’t forced him to flee — because, she points out, one or other has happened to every other guy I bot officially and unofficially dated.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
say something…

if everyone else gets to quit, I do too.

I’ve been cold with Brian the last few days, distant. it’s because I’m tired of being hurt too, I’m tired of fighting. and because of my illnesses, that’s what this is turning into — constant pain and battles.

now note, I do realise the issue isn’t with these other people, but rather with me. I recognize that I’m the broken one, that I’m the damaged one. I get that if I were actually better, I’d hurt others less, and therein they’d hurt me less. but that’s not who I am, and I’m starting to realize that’s not someone I can be. rather, I’m going to be forever Damaged.

Brian said I couldn’t quit dating him for his own good. I made a promise to that.  well, we’ll just have him break up with me for his own good.  I’ll continue to be distant from him — from everyone but this blog and possibly Twitter, honestly –, and I’ll let our relationship fall apart.  then not only will he be able to leave, but then maybe he’ll leave with less guilt — because I’ll be the one who things.  as always.

I realize this is counter to “recovery”.  but it’s apparent that it’s what needs to be done.  because I don’t want to be hurt again. and because I’m tired of fighting too.