it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤

a more substantial update

a lot of changes have occurred in my life recently. even just within the last month, much more in the last six months or even year.

 

finances

life is tough financially again. but nothing terrible.

I let Brian talk me into taking my car to the shop. to be fair, the tire rods were loose and my oil was leaking substantially. but that put us our well over $1300 or so.

we’re going home for Christmas, so that’s gonna cost us. you know, I only just realised that most people may have led with that as a major topic. or at least mentioned it in the former brief update. but meh; I’m not looking forward to it.

Brian is very excited to go, though. so that’s why I’m bothering. I just got this job and I’m already requesting several days in a row off. plus, it means my being awkward around his dad’s side of the family and my having to put up with my family. it also meant figuring out wtf to do with Zero. and guess who was going to end up arranging all of this — the very person who had no interest in this occurring. it was very frustrating.

anyway. so that is several thousands of dollars. Dad is helping us to fly Zero, Brian’s grandmother sent us some money, and Brian’s mum is helping us a lot. but still … so much money, all for me to be so miserable.

 

physical health

I’m back over 170lbs. but I’ve started working out everyday, and I’m choosing meals and quantities more wisely. it’s too cold for me to bike, so I’ve been weight lifting and trudging on the dreadmill.

a very large art of me wants to go to the running store not far from here and inquire about winter running. the times in the past when I best kept to my workouts were when I invested financially into them — gym membership, purchase of free weights, signing up for an adventure run, etc. maybe buying winter gear would help me get into gear. I know I would feel so badass saying I was a winter runner!

but then again, money….

 

mental health

ah, the big beasty topic. how am I doing inside my noggin? surprisingly well, actually. having the job and becoming more competent at it is helping. having to brainstorm for this RPG, I think, is helping too. I recently purchased a portable sun lamp; I basically live in front of it, lol. and as mentioned in the previous post, I have a group of friends; we’re not individually friends, but I like the group. there is a second group that I may like, but hanging out with them will prove to be more difficult, simply because of the differences between their lifestyles, the lifestyle I want, and the lifestyle Brian wants for me.  but we’ll see.

the skill of charisma

I think it’s really unfortunate how we’re not taught how to stremgthen pur charisma in school or daycare. we learn how to play nice and not misbehave. but we’re not instructed on how to really sell yourself, unless ypu actively seek out a business class of sorts. various scouts are good about providing these lessons. but not everyone is in such a program.

I swear my charisma is what got me my new job. I uncoothly inquired, albeit on topic and well-time, how many people applied to the position. they received over thirty resumes, twently of which were actually viable. the first rpund of interviews included twelve applicants. the second round was five. and then this cheese stood alone. I know there must have been at least a few of those folks who had the proper qualifications. as such, I am firmly convinced my charisma is what sold me to them. (to be fair, my charisma is badass.)

but for every job or opportunity I get as a result of my charisma, that’s one person who was more qualified or deserving of something who is going to have to go without.I feel a little guilty, honestly. butat the same time, charisma is a skill just like so many others that these jobs need to take into account. but still….

being social is exhausting

last night was fun, albeit exhausting.  it was great to hang out, and the food my friend and I cooked was delicious.  but being around people, having to hold a conversation that lasts more than thirty minutes – I just have so much more trouble with it now than I used to.  at least in the past, I would normally be able to keep rolling until the other person was done.  but the mix of my medication and the social activity just wore me the hell out.

I don’t know how to ask people to leave.  I never really do it; I just wait until they are ready – ever the host.  and it wouldn’t have been a I-don’t-want-to-be-in-your-company-anymore goodbye, or a I’m-not-enjoying-myself farewell; rather, it was just a I-can-hardly-keep-my-eyes-open-and-I’m-socially-drained apology.

in other news, I went to a kink munch last weekend.  I didn’t really make any friends at that precise location, but I have a better idea of what to expect at the next one.  but more importantly, I have an idea of how their groups are organized up here.  and I did make a few contacts, so that’s good.

it’s slow coming, this whole “make friends” thing.  and I know what part of the issue is: I want a group of friends, not one or two close friends.  I want a bunch of people with whom I don’t have to be super close.  I like entertaining a large group of people, then focusing on each person for a few moments, making them feel special and like an individual, then moving on to the next person.  I don’t like the constant conversation that I would have to have with a single person.

the aforementioned friend that I hung out with last night, she noted how in the south, we just talk up anyone in the grocery store, in a movie line, etc.  no matter who you are or where you’re at, it’s totally acceptable to just chat.  that’s the kind of interaction II like – totally surficial and shallow.  that’s not to suggest I don’t like deep conversations; it’s just that those exhaust the living hell outta me.  I can’t do those for too long or too often, and I really don’t want to do them with most folks anyway.  that “how’s the weather” talk?  that can be done with anyone, and it can be ended abruptly and no one cares.

that’s why I love large groups.  I can randomly include a new person and just seem like I’m being nice and inclusive, whereas I’m actually hoping for a topic change, or for the new person to replace my spot in the conversation.

but I don’t know how to find that here.  because everyone’s so reclusive and judgmental.  how do I find the distant, group-like friendships that most people have and would rather trade-in for something close and meaningful?  I want that distance, that safety.  I don’t want a new best friend; I like the ones I have back in Louisiana.  and if I ever need a heart-to-heart, I know I can call, text, or even Skype them.  what I want is someone who will do things, go places, participate in activities that minimize the need for deep communication between us.

and I thought that’s what I’d be able to easily find up here.  but it’s not.  because it’s a different culture.

that’s what my culture shock is – how no one acknowledges one another in the north.  that’s what I miss the most about the south; that’s what makes me homesick.

so there it is: I got the culture shock I told Brian I wanted.  and I’m not sure what my stance on it is – regret, or fulfillment.