woah, just how long has it been?

yikes, y’all. it seems my last post was in mid-Feb? I didn’t mean to disappear on you. my Depression just really KO’d me for a while.

as it’s been so long since I’ve really discussed anything, we’ll just do a quick overview of things.

˜”*°• ᴡᴇ ᴇꜱᴄᴀᴘᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴏᴛ-ꜱᴏ-ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ ɴᴏʀᴛʜ •°*”˜

March 23rd is basically the date that we GTFO of Minnesota. so yes, we’re back in Louisiana.

just in time for all the festivals to kick off! 😀 ……oh, wait — Covid-19. thanks.

anyway. we are back in Louisiana. so far, we’ve seen my parents, my brother and his now wife (like WTF, y’all?!? good for him, but it’s WILD to think about Tiger being fucking married, lol), my parents (stayed with them for two months; more on that later), Brian’s dad Mr. Mike and step-mom Mrs Brenda (staying with them now; again, more later), Jenna and Brandon, Sheila, and Mr Terry.

we’ll have a huge shindig (probably at The Swamp) once this pandemic lifts some. I’ve got asthma (which is flaring up like a muthafucka’ down here), so I’m technically at risk, and Brian is a straight-laced rule worshiper (lol!) — as such, we haven’t really been seeing anyone or going anywhere.

˜”*°• ᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟ/ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ʜᴇᴀʟᴛʜ •°*”˜

I was off of my antidepressants for a week, while still being on fucking 1200 mg of lithium a day. y’all, not a good mix. Louisiana mental health care is ASS. I called Tyler Mental Health in mid-April (I got on getting my crazy doctors in line immediately), and they just scheduled my appointment at the end of May — for fucking July 13th. what. the. shit.

however, I talked to this one worker who seems to really want to help and explained to her I know me, and I need antidepressants. so she talked to the doc I’ll have and got me hooked up with 5mg of Abilify. not much, but better than nothing.

meanwhile, I dropped my lithium dosage by one-fourth. I’m feeling much better already. sure, I’m still really depressed. but the depression is more in the “lower-case” sense than the “capital Depressed” that I was just a few days back. it’s radically different.

˜”*°• ᴄᴀʟᴏʀɪᴄ ᴄᴏɴꜱᴜᴍᴘᴛɪᴏɴ (ꜰᴏᴏᴅ) •°*”˜

my eating disorder is … let’s just say not the best right now. I’m struggling really fucking hard. it sucks, because we were going to get me seeing someone up in Minnesota. that happened right as the whole necessary relocation started. and of course it’s getting worse with my ever-growing stressors.

I’m trying to keep my behaviour reasonable — each once in a while, don’t fast for too long, not all calories are equal, balancing eating less and eating healthy, et cetera. but it’s hard when the Noise in your head is so Loud.

that’s been my social outlet, however. this online community I’ve been a part of for a while. one of those demonized “pro-ana” forums. I mean, define “pro-ana”. most definitions of that do not fit my community. heh, though a little does. anyway. it’s been my social connection.

back to the food. I’m working on ADF (Alternate Day Fasting): fast MWF, eat TRAU. we’ll see how that works out.

˜”*°• ᴄᴀʟᴏʀɪᴄ ᴇxᴘᴇɴᴅɪᴛᴜʀᴇ (ꜰɪᴛɴᴇꜱꜱ) •°*”˜

I’m trying to get back into working out regularly. I’m still using body-weight, dumbbells, and my bicycle.

I’m supposed to do the following (debilitating depression and chronic pain allowing):

  • every day
    • 30-40 minutes (~ 5 mi) of cycling in town
  • Mon, Thu
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • upper-body weight-lifting
      • push-ups
      • bicep curls
      • bent-over rows
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Thu, Fri
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • lower-body weight-lifting
      • squats
      • straight-leg deadlifts
      • calf raises
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Wed, Sat
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • misc. weight-lifting
      • mountain climbers
      • tensor curls
      • flexor curls
      • donkey kicks
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Sun:
    • rest
    • bike only

I’m not all that great at keeping to it right now. again: chronic pain, debilitating depression, the stress of the re-move, the pandemic, the unemployed-ness, et cetera. it’s difficult.

˜”*°• ʜᴏᴍᴇ ʟɪꜰᴇ •°*”˜

Brian, Zero, and I stayed at The Swamp for about two months. that was … challenging. but we survived. and they mean well. but they have some unchecked issues. and my PTSD symptoms flared up pretty hard a few times. nothing major, but it’s just not worth it.

speaking of Pool House, things are better now that we’re here. it was a rocky move, but it’s the overall better decision to be here.

we just got Zero today. he’s wandering around exploring. he seems fine enough.
he has a lot of experience moving, lol. poor baby. I’m no good at staying at the same home or job for very long.

˜”*°• ᴊᴏʙꜱ & ꜰɪɴᴀɴᴄᴇꜱ •°*”˜

and on the topic of jobs, I’ll be resuming my search very soon. we allowed me to paused it while I was having my major depressive spell. but as that seems to be lessening, I’ll be on the hunt once more.

we are waiting on the dongle for Brian’s PC (it doesn’t have wifi like mine), so his hunt is on hold too. in theory, Dad’s actually driving it to us (with my bike) as I type this. 🙂

˜”*°• ʜᴏʙʙɪᴇꜱ & ꜰᴜɴ •°*”˜

Brian is still running the Elemental Evils D&D campaign for my n00b mom, his semi-inexperienced brother, and myself. he’s about to run the Acquisitions Incorporated D&D campaign (in place of my Supernatural Cortex one I dropped — yay Depression!). meanwhile, he’s talking about my running a pre-made duet campaign for him. (his being able to play was the main reason I was going to run Supernatural again.) so we’ll see how that goes.

otherwise, I haven’t really had any hobbies weren’t sleeping all day and being depressed, lol.

2019-Q4 Review

as many of you may know, I do a personal Quarterly Review every three month. the most recent one was eight pages and quite in-depth. don’t worry! I’m not just copy-pasting it here, as that’s a lot to read. (also privacy reasons, lol.) instead, I’ll create some groups/categories and summarize my shit in there.

Fitness/Health

I’ve been so-so with this one. I’ve been going to my various physical and emotional/mental doctors as directed and took all my pills as prescribed. probably once every two to three weeks, I’d forget a single dose. though this was true for most of 2019, I just wanted to point it out, as that’s leaps and bounds above where I used to be — mostly thanks to Brian.

to those wondering (and who even knew), I’m still sober. meanwhile, to those out of the loop, I stopped drinking back in August 2018. it’s actually been a lot smoother ride than I thought it would have been. so yay, something was “easy” in my life for once!!

weight-wise, things went on a pleasant downhill. on the morning of 10/01/2019, I was 175 lbs (35.4% body fat). then as of the morning of 01/01/2020, I was 166.2 lbs (33.6%). in 13 weeks and 1 day (or 92 days total), I lost 8.8 lbs– an average of 0.67 lbs per week (or 0.10 lbs a day). I’m okay with that. a lot of generic or online programs have you choose between losing 0.5 or 1.0 lbs a week, so 0.67 lbs a week is just fine by me. 😀 ….sorry, went a little OCD with the numbers there, lol.

anyway, I think things overall were good.

Team Ow

nothing much stood out here. Team Ow (Brian, James, and Zero) are doing fine as a team/unit.

the end of this Quarter found Brian and I being together for 9 years, 5 months, and 12 days — which, OMG. how has someone put up with my crap for so long … by choice?! and then how did I not get bored with the same human yet? wtf.

meanwhile, it found Zero at an age of 10 years, 3 months, and 7 days. mah ol’ man. XD but he’s still as freakin’ spry as ever. like, annoyingly so, lol.

Family

boy, this is a fun one.

as some of you know — my father became somewhat paralyzed in his right side and had to have emergency brain surgery to drain out the bleeding on both sides of his head. O_O and he apparently had one of the best brain surgery recoveries the workers on hand had seen. by the next day, he was already moving things again. so thanks to whatever Power helped us out there — even if it was just my father’s pure stubbornness.

some other family member attempted suicide right around the same time. that was … difficult. but honestly, not as much as Dad’s stuff.

other than that, family is all about the same.

Friends and Folk in Louisiana

we went home in July for two main reasons — 1] Sheila and Will were finally getting married; and 2] Brian’s grandmother’s 90th birthday bash might be the last family gathering they’d have. meanwhile, we had scheduled a shindig for while down there to see all our other folk.

AND THEN FREAKIN’ HURRICANE BARRY HIT. like, wtf. the birthday party was cancelled, the wedding was moved (to a day in which I could not attend), and our shindig was somewhat brief. seriously, what. the. fuck.

Writing, D&D, and Other Hobbies

I didn’t do NaNo this year. that was right after my dad’s surgery and some other shit, so it was just a really bad time. I really did not write much. I hope planned efforts for 2020-Q1 will change that pattern.

Brian continued running D&D for his brother, my mum, and me. I started looking into running Nobilis for Brian, Mum, and Daminelle; though nothing has actively come of that yet.

meta knowledge, but we finally sent out 2019 Holiday Cards … in the middle of January 2020. D: oi vey. we were not timely this year, lol. anyway. in the cards was an unnecessarily lengthy yet somehow still brief recap of our year. we kept busy!!

meanwhile, I’ve once again become a go-to pet- and house-sitter. that really makes me happy. I enjoy doing it. I love meeting all the critters. I like seeing new homes. oh, and helping people and/or getting paid, food, and/or gifts ain’t that bad either, lol.

Employment

as a reminder, back in July I had left the law firm and started as the Executive Admin Asst for the CEO of a single-family investment firm. still trucking along there. it’s just temp work, but I continue to enjoy it.

A Few Questions

and now, a few recap’ing questions. overall…

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Well?

Christmas went well. we went to a friend’s place for the first time (was also the first time we weren’t alone up here for Christmas) and played a new game that Mum and Dad just got us.

legit, Dad healing up as quickly as he did was awesome!

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Poorly?

the investment firm informed me they wanted me to stay on as temp worker instead of moving into a permanent salary role. that really sucked.

To What Am I Looking Forward about 2020-Q1?

I keep crossing my fingers about our getting out of the frigid north, lol.

winter is also on the decline by this point. yay!!

Building Greater Self-Reliance: Day 01

31 Journaling Prompts for Building Greater Self-Reliance:  Day 01

“The primary cause of disorder in ourselves is the seeking of reality promised by another.”

―Jiddu Krishnamurti

What is something you have or are pursuing, that other people say is worthwhile, but you haven’t found valuable? Do you continue to pursue it based on the promises of others?

Continue reading

alive-ish

hello, hello.  I’m still up and running — albeit, barely.  so here’s an update on my life recently.

Employment

work at the law firm is going the same as usual.  I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything.  but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do.  so I just sit and mope.

the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend.  I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks.  I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter.  it was cool.  I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.

my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek.  I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.

oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it.  😀

Other (Mis-)Adventures

I want to do the Polar Plunge this year.  it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some.  I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me.  and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.

School

no, I haven’t started back into grad school.  I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools.  so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such.  so that’s a new project soon to be started.

Table-Top Campaigns

Brian is still running Scion.  I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.

My Writing

I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord.  hopefully, I will start writing again soon.

Addictions

so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended.  I can technically go into bars and the like again.  I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult.  Brian pointed this out to me —  I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?

but it doesn’t matter to me.  my behaviour won’t change much.  I will still have a few drinks here or there.  I just have to keep it in check.

I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately.  it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos.  cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done.  but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.

I’ve been not eating again.  a lot.  but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.

Physical Health

…despite not doing my kickboxing.  I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month.  wtf?  I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.

but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think.  and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to.  nothing serious, of course.  but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into.  sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….

Mental/Emotional Health

as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head.  between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart.  I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless.  I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.

Brian

things are pretty good between us.  he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me.  I can see it’s wearing on him, though.  I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.

Staying in Minnesota

rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”.  but I’m not getting my hopes.  we’ve already been here 2.5 years.  so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.

though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….

helplessly Strong

she sits in a coffee shop, working on the table-top campaign that she was going to be running in a few weeks.  she was tired, sore, and incredibly hungry.  she wanted so terribly to eat something, nigh anything.  but she didn’t.  she stayed strong and Controlled her body.  she was still in charge.

then why did she feel so weak? why was she so helpless in this situation?

and it wasn’t even a drastic or dangerous situation.  it was just an awkward social gathering.

it was the NaNo Twin Cities group.  they were meeting in person officially for the first time since November.  she was happy to be around writers again.  she was so happy, she brought along one of her best friends who is also categorized as a writer in her head.  but may she was mistaken.

because there he sits, bored and uninterested.

she secretly texts an apology to him for dragging him along.  he responds as expected — shrugging it off kindly.  she still regrets, on his behalf, extending the invite.

he says he would later explain why it wasn’t a problem at all.  she is hesitant to believe he will indeed tell her the full truth.  but what else can she do?

so she waits.  she waits until this is all over with and she could just move on with life.

this stupid, horrid life that she doesn’t want anyway.

still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.  they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.  chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.  and yes, that’s different.  Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.  my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.  sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.  I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?  and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.  so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins or such then…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.  I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.  I’ll be collecting addresses there too.  but in the meantime, we’re:  Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466  😉

that’s all for now.  maybe something more informative later…..

it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤