it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. ūüėÄ

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ‚̧


that darn cat

we thought The Cat had escaped. ¬†like, completely. ¬†we thought it got out of the Office and left through Zero’s pet door back out into the wild. ¬†this has been a concern since Thu afternoon.

we moved this week’s Date Nite to Monday, and we almost just didn’t have it because I was having a breakdown about this stupid cat.

then this morning, Brian swears he heard a noise in front of him, while Zero was behind him. ¬†also, dry food that we had forgotten about (outside the live traps) was all gone, and it was on top of the giant tower — where Zero is very unlikely to go. ¬†there was also something knocked off the tip top of the highest bookcase — also a non-Zero location.

so there’s a possibility…

I just wish we knew for sure. ¬†and I really hope we catch her before my parents come up in five days…

an update on The Cat

it’s over a week later, and I still can’t drive my stick-shift car or do my kickboxing because of Motherfucking Bastard.

Brian and I are aiming to return to Urgent Care tomorrow evening for a follow-up.  my thumb is still generally useless.

Contact emailed me yesterday to inquire as to how The Cat was doing, to let me know we may have an adopter, and to inform me the upcoming meeting has been rescheduled.  in my response, I was honest [names changes, of course]:

The Cat is still really skittish and hiding.¬† I’m concerned that our fostering her didn’t help much, as we are so rarely home.¬† Also, as we discussed on the phone that one night, she went from letting me pet her the first few days to hissing even when I would put food in the cage. ¬†ūüė¶ ¬†We’re still trying to socialize her and the like, but again we are not home as often as she apparently now needs.
My parents and brother are coming into town from Louisiana sometime on Monday, June 12 (exact time currently unknown).¬† I can’t promise I can make the meeting, but I will try my best to.¬† Would we be able to return The Cat before then?¬† In further thought, I’m concerned the loudness of my family may frighten her. ¬†(My dad and brother are very¬†loud people, lol — even their “indoor voices”.)
Let me know what works for you and what you think would be best for¬†The Cat.¬† I’m fairly flexible.
I never mentioned my hand. ¬†I don’t think I will. ¬†I don’t want her making a big deal out of it. ¬†I just want this over and done with.
we still haven’t really¬†seen The Cat. ¬†Brian spotted her once before she slinked away into hiding again. ¬†but that’s it. ¬†to catch her, I’m afraid we’ll need a live trap. ¬†that’s not a sign of a cat having been socialized.
I’m concerned this will affect my involvement with and acceptance in the organization that runs the adopt fairs and earns money for clinics (henceforth “The Org”). ¬†I enjoyed volunteering for The Org, and I really support and appreciate what they do. ¬†but Contact may use this experience as negative weight against my involvement with The Org. ¬†and that would make me legit sad and disappointed.
granted, I have five million other organizations with which I volunteer, plus random things here and there (like a 5k event this weekend that I’m working instead of participating in). ¬†but that’s not the point. ¬†I don’t get turned down; I don’t denied: people don’t tell me “no”.
…but I guess that’s a topic for another, more psychological post.
for now, we’ll continue to hold on to The Cat. ¬†I’ll let y’all know how this all unfolds.

three days serviced by Urgent Care

I was in Urgent Care on each Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday of this week, with threats that I might have to go to the hospital to have surgery on my hand.

I volunteer with numerous different organizations here in the Twin Cities, many of them relating to animals. ¬†one such organization, that I shan’t name in this context, needed some help fostering two feral kittens a while back. ¬†with Brian’s approval, I volunteered. ¬†shortly after, my contact (henceforth “Contact”) for the fostering said it wouldn’t be necessary, as she found someone else.

a few weeks pass, and Contact requested again that I foster the kittens. ¬†I agree. ¬†when next she contacts me, she informs me she needs me to foster an adult feral from Mexico (henceforth “The Cat” or “Motherfucking Bastard”). ¬†I hesitate. ¬†I’ve assisted in and/or have fostered all ages of cats before. ¬†but my guy was telling me this was a bad idea for both The Cat and me. ¬†however, I didn’t want to back out of a volunteering offer I made, so I reluctantly agreed.

I’m back at work, but I’ve a brace on my right hand. ¬†the pain is so great that I can’t even drive my stick-shift car or hold a glass of water. ¬†I could not wear pants due to my inability to zip or button them.

Contact arrived with her “kitty condo” — something similar to this –, explaining that she was hoping we’d keep¬†The Cat in it and inside the room in which we spent the most time. ¬†that would be the Office. ¬†again, I had reluctance. ¬†my tactic was always keep the feline in the bathroom — she had space to hide, but would still be exposed to use frequently. ¬†but it was her cat I was fostering, so I followed her rules.

at this point, The Cat was responding well enough to me.  she let me pet her and almost never hissed at me.  by the third day, however, she was hissing more than she let me pet her.  she also had begun yowling at night and pacing in her cage.  it was obvious she was growing miserable in that small, enclosed space wherein she had no control over her visibility.

the trick is to give them somewhere they can hide slightly if they like, and let them come out at their own time.  this tactic has never failed me.

by the end of the week, I would get near the cage and she would hiss.  her yowling was incessant.  and even Zero was getting upset with the situation.

I called Contact and explained that this wasn’t working. ¬†after brief discussion, Contact and I decided I would still keep her in the office (per her request), but that she’d be out of the cage (my request).

and that’s when all hell broke loose.

the pain in my hand is so great I am occasionally taking Vicodin.  me, with my high-ass pain tolerance.

Brian and I walk the Office trying to remove as many too-small hidey holes as we could. ¬†I thought we had done a sufficient job….

Saturday afternoon, while transitioning The Cat from the cage into the room, she spazzed and escaped into the living room.  it was my fault for not ensuring the Office door was closed; that fact, I will own.  in an attempt to collect and relocate her, she scratch Brian on the nose and bit deeply into my right hand.  nevertheless, I got her into the office with no actual physical pain on her part (as far as I could tell).

and then she was MIA for two whole days. ¬†she did not come out to eat, drink, or use the litter. ¬†I was terrified she got herself into a hidey hole we couldn’t find, and was going to starve herself to death. ¬†I was terrified that I had now scarred her forever, and she’s in a worse sociable condition now than when we first got her. ¬†I was terrified of so many things.

at one point, an IV drip of antibiotics was rushed into my body, as mere oral dosages were too inadequate for the severity of the infection.

meanwhile, my hand was swelling up and turning red. ¬†Brian urged me to the doctor; I denied — both repeatedly. ¬†then one of the bite marks started to puss, and I had lost most mobility in my thumb. ¬†I reluctantly agreed to go Sunday evening.

the doctors expressed great concern that, even thought The Cat was fully vaccinated, I may have an infection that was starting to go after a tendon or the bone. ¬†while I was sitting on an IV drip of antibiotics, I was also prescribed oral antibiotics and Vicodin for pain. ¬†I mistakenly expressed no need for the pain¬†medication; let’s just say I have since been very glad multiples times that we got it filled anyway. ¬†I was instructed to come back ASAP the next day.

I messaged and emailed the attorneys at work a brief tale of my misadventure, requesting to remotely do payroll from home so that I can then promptly go back to Urgent Care to get my hand reviewed.  my supervisors are very wonderful, understanding persons.  they approved my request with no hesitation, informing me to let them know if they could help in any way.

back at Urgent Care Monday afternoon, my hand showed signs of neither worsening nor improving. ¬†after some discussion and inspection, the doctor braces up my arm. ¬†I’m instructed to once again return to Urgent Care the following day. ¬†this time, if no improvement was evident, hospitalization would be required — surgery to either mend the wound or amputate part of the hand.

when got home that day, Monday night, we see evidence that Motherfucking Bastard emerged and ate her food. ¬†we still have no idea where she is hiding. ¬†but at the moment, it’s not our top concern. ¬†the potential necessary removal of my right hand was.

I work a full day on Tuesday, very slowly and almost ineffectively.  after work, Brian takes me once again to Urgent Care.  three times in three days.  this time, however, there was evident visual improvement of both the infectious redness and of the swelling.  I was released on the condition of continuing taking my antibiotics (and probiotics) as instructed and that if it at any point gets worse, I was to just give up and go to ER.

once again, The Cat had emerged ate, and even new feces was in the litter box.

so where are we at now? ¬†it’s Thursday morning. ¬†how is The Cat doing? ¬†how is James’s hand? ¬†how is Brian’s face? ¬†what all does Contact know of situation? ¬†for how long are those fools going to keep The Cat?

Brian’s hand and face were fine. ¬†he’s on the same antibiotic plan as me, minus the initial drip. ¬†by day two, everything was cool for him.

my hand is healing, albeit slowly. ¬†I still can’t really use it for anything. ¬†I can type on a full-sized keyboard for the most part, though my usual usage of countless keyboard shortcuts are limited and typos are abound. ¬†however, I cannot use my right hand, thumb, or index finger for: texting on my phone, anything that requires fine motor skills, anything that requires more than minor grip or holding, anything that requires muscle usage in the aforementioned areas. ¬†as I’ve already stated, I couldn’t even wear pants to work for several days because I could not operate the zipper or buttons. ¬†I’m wearing clip pants today, and I’m learning that was a bad idea.

Motherfucking Bastard is somewhere still in the room. ¬†I don’t know where. ¬†the current plan is keeping¬†her for the next two weeks. ¬†at that point, I will return her to Contact, explaining that Zero is not pleased and my family are coming with their dog the following week. ¬†however, if she continues to not emerge at all while we are in the room, eating and shitting only while we are at work or asleep, I may send her back sooner. ¬†it’s doing no one any good if she is that terrified.

and currently, Contact knows nothing after the phone call wherein we came to a compromise of letting The Cat loose in the Office.  I wanted to wait to see how things panned out first.

I tried to keep identity of the involved people, animals, and organizations. ¬†but¬†I may never foster via that group again; I will, however, still help and volunteer because of what their primary goals are. ¬†there’s a difference between fostering feral cats, and housing a yowling monster.

that’s not to say Contact isn’t kind. ¬†she purchased us a new super-large litter box with Zero, provided a ton of dry and food wet and of cat litter for The Cat, and even gave me a Starbucks giftcard as thanks. ¬†but I think their system of fostering just doesn’t sync with me.

just a check-in

I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel. ¬†not all good, but whatever. ¬†my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”. ¬†I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.

she wants to work on how critical I am of myself.  we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents.  we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey.  she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.

I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature. ¬†I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy. ¬†I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it. ¬†of course all of this ties together. ¬†but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus. ¬†we’ll see how that goes.


work is okay, I guess. ¬†I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish. ¬†so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job. ¬†everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires. ¬†and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it. ¬†it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.

and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything. ¬†I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me. ¬†it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.

as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course). ¬†I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her. ¬†and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.


Wrestlemania was this past weekend.  if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here.  because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK.  what is happening in my life.  but more on that later, maybe.


I’m volunteering a lot again. ¬†that’s kinda nice. ¬†give me a fake sense of purpose, lol. ¬†I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition. ¬†so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.


the weather is finally turning nice. ¬†there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.


okay, this is a long entry. ¬†I’ll end it now. ¬†write again soon.

brief update

things have been surprisingly overall good.



work is a million times better. ¬†I’m not coming home crying every night, which is a nice change.I feel more confident in my skills and my ability to carry out tasks and understand ideas. ¬†I mean,we all knew I would get to a place of competency; what we didn’t know was if I would I be able to survive the wait. ¬†well, looks like I could. ¬†ūüôā



I’ve applied to volunteer with a few organizations, all three animal-related.

The first one, it would be regular, constant shifts. ¬†I’m awaiting additional information from them. ¬†They house cats they are up for adoption and assist soon-to-be-owners in choosing the best critter for their home and family.

The second one is more of event planning for this other animal organization.  There is going to be a meeting in early January about fundraising ideas.

And the third, I’m still waiting to learn more details about the style of volunteerism and its related tasks.



I found a Young Adult Book club on MeetUp. com. ¬†Rather than a YA book club, it’s kinda just this group of friends who gets together to do shit, some of which is occasionally YA book-related, lol. ¬†which I don’t mind! ¬†I’ve gone to four or five events now, so I really think they are going to be a group of friends I can turn to for large social interaction.



I’m DM’ing a table-top role-playing game that’s based in the¬†Supernatural world and uses the Cortex system. ¬†However, we have one person who’s being non-committal about playing. ¬†We want at least three Players, and we currently only have two (excluding the aforementioned girl), so her commitment is important. When it looked like she wasn’t going to be interested and after she ceased responding to my efforts of communication, I offered the spot to another person. ¬†Her was interested; but then he too went radio silent.

It’s usually hard to find DM’s, not the Players, lol.




quick update

this post won’t be too long, so no worries.

my computer went kaput. I tried installing “KotOR” (a great Star Wars game, and it just went on the fritz. so I’m going to have to bring it to someone, because it’s not even turning on. I may see about putting in some old drives and take it from there. but I doubt that I’ll be able to totally correct whatever the fuck happened.

meanwhile, my phone is refusing to accept energy from my various chargers. I managed to find one that sometimes works — but not reliably, and instead very slowly. ugh. so posting via my cell will be at a minimum too.

in other news, I’m waiting to hear back from Brian’s work about the job. I also applied to a job with Nerd Fitness (OMG, I WANT THIS POSITION EVEN MORE THAN THE KING SHOW GAMES ONE!!), so I’m waiting on that too. in the meantime, I am almost definitely going to get approved for a little part-time job with Home Depot. :/
however, to get any feedback, I’ve gotta have access to my cell phone voicemails and my emails — WHICH I DON’T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS FRITZ AND THE PHONE WON’T CHARGE.

additionally so, I need to start doing my volunteer work and start logging some stupid AA meetings. as many of you read in the past, most AA meetings don’t work for me, because it’s just like going to fucking church — except most everyone present is terrifying, dirty, and/or self-righteous. I hate it. at least at church services, I don’t fear for my life or my wallet. :/

and I’m kinda excited to get into the volunteer work again. it really helps me to feel like it’s worth the effort to try to stay alive, you know? and honestly, that’s getting really hard to defend lately — my continuing to struggle to survive.

I really wanted some alcohol all weekend. instead, I’ve been snacking and drinking sodas. it’s not much better, but it’s still some kind of progress. ya know? I haven’t totally succeeded at “Dry December”, but I’ve done much better these last two weeks than I have in a long, long time.

okay. I actually kicked Brian off his computer so I could type this up, lol. I’m gonna go ahead and hand it back over to him.
I’m hoping to start setting time aside to go to the community room of my apartment complex and post more frequently. (and also, check my emails for a fucking job, lol.)

take care, kiddlings.