below is from another entry by Danielle Laporte: “Rock Your Paradox“.
[…] the universe is so achingly beautiful. And we’re all in it together. We’re all going in the same direction. I’m not here to take control of the wheel. Or to tell you what to believe. I’m just here to tell you that it’s okay to stop. To listen. To change.
read the whole story here….. The Oatmeal – “Believe“
I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.
I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly. these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.
I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.
I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.
I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.
I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.
I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less
this post won’t be too long, so no worries.
my computer went kaput. I tried installing “KotOR” (a great Star Wars game, and it just went on the fritz. so I’m going to have to bring it to someone, because it’s not even turning on. I may see about putting in some old drives and take it from there. but I doubt that I’ll be able to totally correct whatever the fuck happened.
meanwhile, my phone is refusing to accept energy from my various chargers. I managed to find one that sometimes works — but not reliably, and instead very slowly. ugh. so posting via my cell will be at a minimum too.
in other news, I’m waiting to hear back from Brian’s work about the job. I also applied to a job with Nerd Fitness (OMG, I WANT THIS POSITION EVEN MORE THAN THE KING SHOW GAMES ONE!!), so I’m waiting on that too. in the meantime, I am almost definitely going to get approved for a little part-time job with Home Depot.
however, to get any feedback, I’ve gotta have access to my cell phone voicemails and my emails — WHICH I DON’T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS FRITZ AND THE PHONE WON’T CHARGE.
additionally so, I need to start doing my volunteer work and start logging some stupid AA meetings. as many of you read in the past, most AA meetings don’t work for me, because it’s just like going to fucking church — except most everyone present is terrifying, dirty, and/or self-righteous. I hate it. at least at church services, I don’t fear for my life or my wallet.
and I’m kinda excited to get into the volunteer work again. it really helps me to feel like it’s worth the effort to try to stay alive, you know? and honestly, that’s getting really hard to defend lately — my continuing to struggle to survive.
I really wanted some alcohol all weekend. instead, I’ve been snacking and drinking sodas. it’s not much better, but it’s still some kind of progress. ya know? I haven’t totally succeeded at “Dry December”, but I’ve done much better these last two weeks than I have in a long, long time.
okay. I actually kicked Brian off his computer so I could type this up, lol. I’m gonna go ahead and hand it back over to him.
I’m hoping to start setting time aside to go to the community room of my apartment complex and post more frequently. (and also, check my emails for a fucking job, lol.)
take care, kiddlings.
I want to tear at my skin.
I want to take blade and just RIP it through each tiny thread of fabric of my substance that my body calls a Barrier and pull it apart.
every piece of life has a slip of skin.
I feel each string just tear the fuck apart when I cut.
there is a disconnect, an abandonment, a fucking Freedom.
yet, a forever Loss.
I want to bleed.
I want to open my Hide, and from there I see a red stream trickling down my thigh — or breast or arm or leg or stomach or wherever, depending on my affliction at the time.
I want to Hurt; I want to fucking Feel.
because it makes me real, it makes me actual — not just a goddamn statistic anymore.
I spend so much of this life feeling like I’m pretending, I’m faking, I’m applauding while appalling and generally alluding to Living,
yet never actually Leaving.
I am getting near Done.
I hear Him cry.
my Cat. my Child. my true Love.
I hear how He bellows when He feels alone because the doors are closed and He can hear and see no one and feels so alone.
but we all make that noise.
and so few hear.
and those of us who do, we are expected to Ignore it.
would I say these things “sober” (I’ve had two drinks)?
would I say these things in company of others (my boyfriend and couch-surfer friend are at Taco Bell)?
would I say these things if I knew someone was looking over my shoulder (when are we Alone versus just alone?)?
because we never say what we need to when someone is actually Listening….
we are nasty naturally self-destructive creatures. and we should be forsaken.
yet instead, we talk. we converse.
to ourselves, of course.
and sometimes, to one another.
to people of the same goddamn circle.
the same fucking circle
who can’t fucking do shit.
all these fancy pretty blogs that have gifs and images to break up the seriousness of their topics. you want a picture? well, fucking choke on this — it’s called the goddamn truth:
it’s January 13th, and I’m only just now getting around to reviewing this past year. I think that’s very suggestive of how much I don’t want to think back on the year, lol.
I don’t often do these year-end reviews, because I don’t like the calendar construct. I’m one of those hipsters, ya know. 😛
as always, before embarking on a task, I research it. “what format do others use?” “on what topics do they focus?” “do they include a 2015 plan?” et cetera. and of course, for something as personal and fluffy as this, I found a million answers.
many people listed ten or so of the more positives events or projects from the previous, and then three to five things they wished they had worked on or improved, or plan to do so in the upcoming year. some answered arbitrary questions. yet others posted up specific side-by-side comparisons to the previous year. I’ll do a funky little mix of it all.
- Living Arrangements
- 2014: Brian and I are still together. there were many fits after which I was sure I would be moving out, because he deserved someone better than me.
- 2015: depending on where Brian ends up getting a job, we may be moving around the summer or fall of this year. I’m not sure what exactly is going to happen.
- 2014: so. dropped out of grad school. that was 1.5 years of pure regret. but we learn from our mistakes. and I learned I’m just going to have to take classes face-to-face; online will not be sufficient for me, apparently.
- 2015: I want to continue researching things as I do, looking up random topics and data. I want to continue occasionally enrolling in free online courses such as those offered by Coursera and the like.
- 2014: boringly stagnate. however, teaching last semester did provide new challenges. and now I know that teaching isn’t for me.
- 2015: until we move, I’ll probably just stick with being a Library Specialist. ::shrugs::
- 2014: I didn’t even participate in NaNoWriMo this year. that’s exactly how much I’ve been working on adding to the world.
- 2015: I really need to start writing, drawing, painting, etc. I think once I start creating things again, I’ll start to feel better.
- 2014: getting my bike stolen sucked. but it means I got a nice pretty bike instead. :3 and then this whole interlock in the car — something’s wrong with my engine right now. blah.
- 2015: the interlock come off in June or so, I think. that’s gonna suck. but once it warms up, I hope to be using my bike much more again.
- 2014: rehab and legal issues meant spending more than I planned. also, I started dipping into my savings a lot more at the end of the year. I definitely did poorly in this category. 😦
- 2015: I need to create a budget and actually adhere to it, therein saving up money again. because I’m running a negative slope currently. meh.
- Legal Issues
- 2014: obviously, getting the DUI II sucked. then there was one “misuse of lane” ticket earlier in the year. otherwise, I did real well!
- 2015: I haven’t endured any of the consequences for the second DUI yet. so I foresee all of that occurring in the next few months.
- Physical Health
- 2014: I didn’t do much of anything. I didn’t do any adventure runs, no major river trips, only one visit to the rock wall, etc. I really was a lazy piece of shit for most of the year.
- 2015: as always, I’m determined to do this better. maybe with Sean living locally, he’ll inspire me to do more.
- Mental/Emotional Health
- 2014: I kept talking about getting a therapist, but never did. I talked about it even more when I went into rehab. still didn’t.
- 2015: I want to sit down with Brian and see if he thinks I should still look into. it’s just, with all the other money I’ll be spending….
- Spiritual Health
- 2014: went to church regularly and reluctantly with Dad and Mum. did not do anything to grow here otherwise.
- 2015: even if it’s just a two-minute meditation, I need to do something to start finding a Center of sorts.
- Social Health
- 2014: basically non-existent. the beginning of the year, I was in grad school still. middle to end of the year, I was teaching. and then last few months, rehab.
- 2015: now that I’ve weeded out a lot of people, I hope to do a better job of keeping out those I don’t like and instead focusing on those who are healthy for me.
- 2014: MechaCon was ass. fuck them. started many new and great shows. fell into some new book series. and then of course, the new TMNT movie and Wrestlemania. whee!! it was an okay year for fandoms.
- 2015: I want to start reading more. I’m not meeting my yearly goal for books read. I hope that with more free time, I’ll be reading more.
- 2014: I don’t think I went anywhere new this year. 😦
- 2015: it’s time for Brian and me to go on another road trip, even if just to somewhere in Mississippi or northern Louisiana, lol.