can’t do this

I CAN’T DO THIS.

I’m tired of the NOISE.  so tired of THE LOUD-ASS NOISE THAT FUCKING ECHOES IN  YOUR GODDAMN HEART.  IN YOUR FUCKING MIND.

We throw tantrums like parties.
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re SICK.
And that’s just how we like it.
We’ve hurt Bad enough, right?  We’ve Earned it.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
you can hear It.  It Breathes against you.  It Breathes in spite of you.  you are merely a Pawn in Its creation.
I mean, how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group;
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true.
you can’t do anything against its noise and chaos and pain and hate and loudness and rage and anxiety and compulsions and noise and paranoia and eating disorders and thoughts and opinions and concerns and just everything.  there is too much.  and the Mind never stops.  NEVER STOPS.
So now you know all my secrets.
I want out; I know I don’t need this.
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through?
The more battle scars, the more attention it gets you.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
but I Like it; rather I  Need it.  I hold on to it.  I don’t move past it.  because I’m scared about what’s beyond me, what’s More than me, what is -Without Me-.
I meant it when I said,
“I wanna get well! I wanna get well!”
Are the rest of you so content?
Stay where you are, but it hurts like hell.
And I’m sure it’s fun at first;
test your pulse, and check your vitals.
If it’s only a Game, you lost me.
I quit it with the Suicidal Recital.

shit.  I can’t even pretend I know the original direction this post was going in…..
I was lost.  hopeless.  depressed.  so many of those Old and Comforting Feelings I had.  but Brian suggested I Write instead of mope.  Write.  how often do I Write anymore?  and what of that which I Write even matters anymore?  I mean, none of it really.  at least back then, it was the Truth as per a small child whose life was important.  now I’m adult who’s thrown off on her own and matters not.
Yeah, we should’ve known it would End this way.
What did you expect? — pretend it all Away?
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts.
I’m getting out — gonna write myself a new Start.
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side.
Run as fast as you can, and we’ll make it out alive.
We know better now; we don’t have to live like This.
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like This.

SURPRISE ME.

let me go.
let me FREE.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Z9fGKx7yzF4?rel=0

let me not wake tomorrow.

I’m tired of this Battle again.

it’s the same War I’ve been fighting for so long.

LET ME GO!!!

 

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WELL HELLO, CRAZY NOISE

WELL HELLO, CRAZY NOISE!!
> THANKS FOR CHECKING IN.

SO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SLICE OUR ARMS AND BLEED, JUST TO PROVE WE ARE ALIVE?
> okay.

SO WE SHOULD SLIT OUR NECK ACROSS ITSELF TO SHOW OUR OWN STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION?
> sounds great.

OR MAYBE I CAN JUST JUMP INTO TRAFFIC, DRIVE INTO THE ONCOMING, OR SHOOT OURSELVES OFF THE CLIFF.
>  perfect plan.

_____________________________________________

did you disagree?  because I didn’t?

I suspect tomorrow will be fine.

but I’m seriously running out of “bad days” that don’t get logged as “last days”.

____________________________________________

SEE ALSO:

the Final Day is ideal,

desired,

perfect,

heavenly,

HOPE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

please allow it to come soon … or even better ASAP…..

Rock Your Paradox

below is from another entry by Danielle Laporte: “Rock Your Paradox“.

Continue reading

very true and powerful

[…] the universe is so achingly beautiful.  And we’re all in it together.  We’re all going in the same direction.  I’m not here to take control of the wheel.  Or to tell you what to believe.  I’m just here to tell you that it’s okay to stop.  To listen.  To change.

read the whole story here….. The Oatmeal – “Believe

reblogged: “When ‘Sacred’ Sex Goes South”

the following text is an excerpt from Danielle Laporte’s newest book White Hot Truth.  I don’t always agree with everything she says, but I do love this article a lot.

Continue reading

no passion

I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly.  these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.

I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.

I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.

I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.

I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.

I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less 

quick update

this post won’t be too long, so no worries.

my computer went kaput. I tried installing “KotOR” (a great Star Wars game, and it just went on the fritz. so I’m going to have to bring it to someone, because it’s not even turning on. I may see about putting in some old drives and take it from there. but I doubt that I’ll be able to totally correct whatever the fuck happened.

meanwhile, my phone is refusing to accept energy from my various chargers. I managed to find one that sometimes works — but not reliably, and instead very slowly. ugh. so posting via my cell will be at a minimum too.

in other news, I’m waiting to hear back from Brian’s work about the job. I also applied to a job with Nerd Fitness (OMG, I WANT THIS POSITION EVEN MORE THAN THE KING SHOW GAMES ONE!!), so I’m waiting on that too. in the meantime, I am almost definitely going to get approved for a little part-time job with Home Depot. :/
however, to get any feedback, I’ve gotta have access to my cell phone voicemails and my emails — WHICH I DON’T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS FRITZ AND THE PHONE WON’T CHARGE.

additionally so, I need to start doing my volunteer work and start logging some stupid AA meetings. as many of you read in the past, most AA meetings don’t work for me, because it’s just like going to fucking church — except most everyone present is terrifying, dirty, and/or self-righteous. I hate it. at least at church services, I don’t fear for my life or my wallet. :/

and I’m kinda excited to get into the volunteer work again. it really helps me to feel like it’s worth the effort to try to stay alive, you know? and honestly, that’s getting really hard to defend lately — my continuing to struggle to survive.

I really wanted some alcohol all weekend. instead, I’ve been snacking and drinking sodas. it’s not much better, but it’s still some kind of progress. ya know? I haven’t totally succeeded at “Dry December”, but I’ve done much better these last two weeks than I have in a long, long time.

okay. I actually kicked Brian off his computer so I could type this up, lol. I’m gonna go ahead and hand it back over to him.
I’m hoping to start setting time aside to go to the community room of my apartment complex and post more frequently. (and also, check my emails for a fucking job, lol.)

take care, kiddlings.