no passion

I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly.  these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.

I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.

I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.

I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.

I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.

I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less 

Advertisements

quick update

this post won’t be too long, so no worries.

my computer went kaput. I tried installing “KotOR” (a great Star Wars game, and it just went on the fritz. so I’m going to have to bring it to someone, because it’s not even turning on. I may see about putting in some old drives and take it from there. but I doubt that I’ll be able to totally correct whatever the fuck happened.

meanwhile, my phone is refusing to accept energy from my various chargers. I managed to find one that sometimes works — but not reliably, and instead very slowly. ugh. so posting via my cell will be at a minimum too.

in other news, I’m waiting to hear back from Brian’s work about the job. I also applied to a job with Nerd Fitness (OMG, I WANT THIS POSITION EVEN MORE THAN THE KING SHOW GAMES ONE!!), so I’m waiting on that too. in the meantime, I am almost definitely going to get approved for a little part-time job with Home Depot. :/
however, to get any feedback, I’ve gotta have access to my cell phone voicemails and my emails — WHICH I DON’T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS FRITZ AND THE PHONE WON’T CHARGE.

additionally so, I need to start doing my volunteer work and start logging some stupid AA meetings. as many of you read in the past, most AA meetings don’t work for me, because it’s just like going to fucking church — except most everyone present is terrifying, dirty, and/or self-righteous. I hate it. at least at church services, I don’t fear for my life or my wallet. :/

and I’m kinda excited to get into the volunteer work again. it really helps me to feel like it’s worth the effort to try to stay alive, you know? and honestly, that’s getting really hard to defend lately — my continuing to struggle to survive.

I really wanted some alcohol all weekend. instead, I’ve been snacking and drinking sodas. it’s not much better, but it’s still some kind of progress. ya know? I haven’t totally succeeded at “Dry December”, but I’ve done much better these last two weeks than I have in a long, long time.

okay. I actually kicked Brian off his computer so I could type this up, lol. I’m gonna go ahead and hand it back over to him.
I’m hoping to start setting time aside to go to the community room of my apartment complex and post more frequently. (and also, check my emails for a fucking job, lol.)

take care, kiddlings.

you want a *TW*? well, have one here.

I want to tear at my skin.

I want to take blade and just RIP it through each tiny thread of fabric of my substance that my body calls a Barrier and pull it apart.
every piece of life has a slip of skin.
I feel each string just tear the fuck apart when I cut.
there is a disconnect, an abandonment, a fucking Freedom.
yet, a forever Loss.

I want to bleed.
I want to open my Hide, and from there I see a red stream trickling down my thigh — or breast or arm or leg or stomach or wherever, depending on my affliction at the time.

I want to Hurt; I want to fucking Feel.
because it makes me real, it makes me actual — not just a goddamn statistic anymore.
I spend so much of this life feeling like I’m pretending, I’m faking, I’m applauding while appalling and generally alluding to Living,

yet never actually Leaving.

I am getting near Done.

I hear Him cry.
my Cat. my Child. my true Love.
I hear how He bellows when He feels alone because the doors are closed and He can hear and see no one and feels so alone.

but we all make that noise.
and so few hear.
and those of us who do, we are expected to Ignore it.

would I say these things “sober” (I’ve had two drinks)?
would I say these things in company of others (my boyfriend and couch-surfer friend are at Taco Bell)?
would I say these things if I knew someone was looking over my shoulder (when are we Alone versus just alone?)?

no.
because we never say what we need to when someone is actually Listening….

we are nasty naturally self-destructive creatures.  and we should be forsaken.

 

yet instead, we talk.  we converse.

to ourselves, of course.

and sometimes, to one another.

to people of the same goddamn circle.

the same fucking circle

who can’t fucking do shit.

 

 

all these fancy pretty blogs that have gifs and images to break up the seriousness of their topics.  you want a picture?  well, fucking choke on this — it’s called the goddamn truth:

credit unknown(credit unknown) 

2014-2015

it’s January 13th, and I’m only just now getting around to reviewing this past year.  I think that’s very suggestive of how much I don’t want to think back on the year, lol.

I don’t often do these year-end reviews, because I don’t like the calendar construct.  I’m one of those hipsters, ya know.  😛

as always, before embarking on a task, I research it.  “what format do others use?”  “on what topics do they focus?”  “do they include a 2015 plan?”  et cetera.  and of course, for something as personal and fluffy as this, I found a million answers.

many people listed ten or so of the more positives events or projects from the previous, and then three to five things they wished they had worked on or improved, or plan to do so in the upcoming year.  some answered arbitrary questions.  yet others posted up specific side-by-side comparisons to the previous year.  I’ll do a funky little mix of it all.

 

  • Living Arrangements
    • 2014:  Brian and I are still together. there were many fits after which I was sure I would be moving out, because he deserved someone better than me.
    • 2015:  depending on where Brian ends up getting a job, we may be moving around the summer or fall of this year.  I’m not sure what exactly is going to happen.
  • Education
    • 2014:  so.  dropped out of grad school.  that was 1.5 years of pure regret.  but we learn from our mistakes.  and I learned I’m just going to have to take classes face-to-face; online will not be sufficient for me, apparently.
    • 2015:  I want to continue researching things as I do, looking up random topics and data.  I want to continue occasionally enrolling in free online courses such as those offered by Coursera and the like.
  • Employment
    • 2014: boringly stagnate. however, teaching last semester did provide new challenges. and now I know that teaching isn’t for me.
    • 2015: until we move, I’ll probably just stick with being a Library Specialist. ::shrugs::
  • Creativity
    • 2014: I didn’t even participate in NaNoWriMo this year. that’s exactly how much I’ve been working on adding to the world.
    • 2015: I really need to start writing, drawing, painting, etc. I think once I start creating things again, I’ll start to feel better.
  • Transportation
    • 2014:  getting my bike stolen sucked.  but it means I got a nice pretty bike instead.  :3  and then this whole interlock in the car — something’s wrong with my engine right now.  blah.
    • 2015:  the interlock come off in June or so, I think.  that’s gonna suck.  but once it warms up, I hope to be using my bike much more again.
  • Finances
    • 2014:  rehab and legal issues meant spending more than I planned.  also, I started dipping into my savings a lot more at the end of the year.  I definitely did poorly in this category.  😦
    • 2015:  I need to create a budget and actually adhere to it, therein saving up money again.  because I’m running a negative slope currently.  meh.
  • Legal Issues
    • 2014:  obviously, getting the DUI II sucked.  then there was one “misuse of lane” ticket earlier in the year.  otherwise, I did real well!
    • 2015:  I haven’t endured any of the consequences for the second DUI yet.  so I foresee all of that occurring in the next few months.
  • Physical Health
    • 2014:  I didn’t do much of anything.  I didn’t do any adventure runs, no major river trips, only one visit to the rock wall, etc.  I really was a lazy piece of shit for most of the year.
    • 2015:  as always, I’m determined to do this better.  maybe with Sean living locally, he’ll inspire me to do more.
  • Mental/Emotional Health
    • 2014:  I kept talking about getting a therapist, but never did.  I talked about it even more when I went into rehab.  still didn’t.
    • 2015:  I want to sit down with Brian and see if he thinks I should still look into.  it’s just, with all the other money I’ll be spending….
  • Spiritual Health
    • 2014:  went to church regularly and reluctantly with Dad and Mum.  did not do anything to grow here otherwise.
    • 2015:  even if it’s just a two-minute meditation, I need to do something to start finding a Center of sorts.
  • Social Health
    • 2014:  basically non-existent.  the beginning of the year, I was in grad school still.  middle to end of the year, I was teaching.  and then last few months, rehab.
    • 2015:  now that I’ve weeded out a lot of people, I hope to do a better job of keeping out those I don’t like and instead focusing on those who are healthy for me.
  • Entertainment/Fandoms
    • 2014:  MechaCon was ass.  fuck them.  started many new and great shows.  fell into some new book series.  and then of course, the new TMNT movie and Wrestlemania.  whee!!  it was an okay year for fandoms.
    • 2015:  I want to start reading more.  I’m not meeting my yearly goal for books read.  I hope that with more free time, I’ll be reading more.
  • Travel
    • 2014:  I don’t think I went anywhere new this year.  😦
    • 2015:  it’s time for Brian and me to go on another road trip, even if just to somewhere in Mississippi or northern Louisiana, lol.

“I Won’t Fall Apart”

“this resentment you have for everyone — you need to work on that.”  no shit, Sherlock.  like I haven’t already heard this a thousand times, hundreds of which actually came from myself.

I’ve got this nasty mix of anger, resentment, depression, and hopelessness.  I have no Faith in or love for this God so many worship.  what I know to be true is pain, endurance, and failure.

 

it takes me several tries to get the interlock to work.  I have asthma; I can’t breathe in as much as I’m supposed to.  so either I have to try several times; or I get it the first time, get really dizzy, and have to sit there for a bit to recalibrate my mind and balance.  it sucks.

what also sucks is the group I went to tonight.  it was all “God saved me from my alcoholism.”  fuck that shit.  I was strong in my Faith growing up.  but I couldn’t understand why a Faithful Follower would have such crippling Depression.  so I lost all belief that he’s loving and all good.  I think he’s a bastard sometimes, and I don’t think he really cares.

one good thing is I’m losing weight.  I have my good days and my binge days.  but overall, I’m keeping my intake under 1000 kcal.  I just have to be careful about the sugar.  apparently my body got used to lots of sugar from the alcohol.  so now I’m having motherfucking sugar withdrawals.  so I bought some candy and icecream.  I just have to make sure I eat all that in moderation.

however, I’m leading some ED Challenges and stuff on a forum.  I’ve also got a handful of lasses on kik to whom I chat and stay accountable.  so if nothing else, maybe I’ll come out of this thinner and in better shape, and with more self-control regarding my eating.

 

I’ve got so much more to say.  but it’s late, and I have work tomorrow.  so I’m’ll sign out for the night.

until tomorrow….

my beliefs

this was posted in my original DreamWidth journal in April 2013 (so my views may have slightly altered since then):

 

Faith is very important to me. this is not to be confused with Religion, about which I have very little concern. the latter of which should not be confused with Practice and Rituals, which I respect.

Faith is simply what you believe. Religion is the institutionalization of Faith. the Rituals and Practices are the actions undergone in order to carry out a particular Faith or Religion. at least, that’s how I define these terms. and that’s the definitions you should keep in mind while reading the following piece.

these are my Truths, or the foundations for my Faith:

  • A High Power
    • I believe there is a Higher Power, henceforth the Creator, that created the universe.
    • I believe the Creator is considerably impassive of humans, though He does have a broad love of all his creations.
    • I believe the Creator is generally uninvolved in the ongoings of humans. I believe that the spiritual interplay comes from the (later explained) Spiritual Plane and humans’ interactions with and beseechment of it.
    • I do not believe that the Creator is infallible. I do believe He is a jealous being.
    • I do not believe that there is an evil or negative Being, such as the devil. I believe evil is is caused by humans.
  • Creation
    • I believe that the week of Creation is metaphorical.
    • I believe in a scientifically-free spiritual plane, and that plane leaks through to ours upon occasion.   such are the cause of miracles, coincidences, and things of that nature.
    • I believe that all things have a connection to said Spiritual Plane, some objects and entities having a stronger connection than others.
    • the Spiritual Plane is fuelled by though separate from the Creator.
    • I believe Nature (and planet and its accompanying elements) deserve respect, as they are one of the most pure connections to the Spiritual Plane.
    • I believe via Prayer one can communicate with the Spiritual Plane.
    • I believe via Rituals one can call upon the power of the Spiritual Plane.
    • I believe the Spiritual power and connections in each item were the gods of the classical Religions (Greek, Roman, Norse, etc), as well as the Saints of Catholicism. they still deserve respect and honour.
  • Afterlife
    • I believe there is a Judgment and its Punishments, the latter also being called the Afterlife.
    • I believe maintaining a virtuous and considerate life will earn one a positive judgment, whereas a selfish, manipulative, and harmful life earns one a negative judgment.
    • I do not believe in the Rapture. I do believe that Judgment occurs upon each individual’s death in this Physical Plane.
  • Prophets
    • I believe that Jesus Christ was a prophet with supernatural powers, and the favoured Son of the Creator.
    • I believe that time has seen other supernaturally-inclined prophets, though none as strong or as favoured as Jesus Christ.
  • Humanity
    • I believe humans are innately flawed and evil. by overcoming out selfish nature, we earn positive judgment. such is why it is more difficult to be “good” and selfless than it is to be “bad” and selfish.
    • I believe suffering is caused by the innate evil of human nature.
    • I do not believe humans are worth more than any other of the Creator’s creations. I believe that the Creator shares a similar view.
    • I believe that humans are like kings of the other creations. though just as a king is morally equal to a peasant, so are humans to other creatures and nature. (because of this kinghood, the Creator’s prophets come to this Plane in the form of humans.)
  • The Bible
    • I believe the Bible is fallible, as it was written by humans influenced by society.
    • I believe the authors of the Bible had their Faith’s best interest in mind, but I believe they were often influenced and blinded by their Religion, and therefore sometimes wrote a skewed truth.

 

“on what do you base these beliefs?” you ask me. my honest answer is: I don’t know. part of Faith, to me, is believing in something without having proof. you can Believe or have Faith that something will turn out “alright”, even though evidence may suggest otherwise. Faith is based off of your Heart, not your Head. and the above statements are true as decided by my Heart.

but what does that make me?

I don’t know.

I’m obviously not an apatheist or an atheist. I’m not strictly a polytheist, as I believe there exists a supreme Higher Power. I am not a monotheist because I believe in praying to smaller gods in order to connect with the Spiritual Plane. I guess I would be henotheistic in the sense of theism. but I’m not fully a theist, as I believe in the Spiritual Force that resides in the Spiritual Plane and can be transferred to our Physical Plane.

I have no single word for my Faith. it’s just my Faith; it’s just what I Believe. and every day, I struggle with these beliefs. but at the end of the day, they remain intact.

I guess this is why I also struggle with attending a church. I don’t believe that the Creator is all-loving and compassionate. I believe He is deserving of our respect. but I believe we deserve to limit our love (not to be confused with limiting our compassion) to those we choose – deities included. just as one can respect an elder or authority, we do not have to love them.

I am passionate about the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them to unto you. I believe that we should treat others with compassion and respect, though that is all that is required. those are “better” or “worthy” will prove such by gifting more compassionate unto others than the minimum (the minimum being basically don’t be a fucking dickhead to everyone – it’s really rather easy). additional compassionate may manifest in the form of volunteer work, charity and donation, and carrying out favours while expecting nothing in return. I believe that when their Judgment comes upon their death, these people will be granted a positive Afterlife. I believe that those who have done ill will receive a negative Afterlife. and I believe those who carried out the bare minimum will also be granted a positive Afterlife, though their blessings and enjoyment will be less than that of the more “worthy” folk.

 

I would love to hear a detailed description of your own views. and please, offer any counter points or contradictions to my Faith.   want to be confident in my beliefs, which can be made stronger by my defending them.