helplessly Strong

she sits in a coffee shop, working on the table-top campaign that she was going to be running in a few weeks.  she was tired, sore, and incredibly hungry.  she wanted so terribly to eat something, nigh anything.  but she didn’t.  she stayed strong and Controlled her body.  she was still in charge.

then why did she feel so weak? why was she so helpless in this situation?

and it wasn’t even a drastic or dangerous situation.  it was just an awkward social gathering.

it was the NaNo Twin Cities group.  they were meeting in person officially for the first time since November.  she was happy to be around writers again.  she was so happy, she brought along one of her best friends who is also categorized as a writer in her head.  but may she was mistaken.

because there he sits, bored and uninterested.

she secretly texts an apology to him for dragging him along.  he responds as expected — shrugging it off kindly.  she still regrets, on his behalf, extending the invite.

he says he would later explain why it wasn’t a problem at all.  she is hesitant to believe he will indeed tell her the full truth.  but what else can she do?

so she waits.  she waits until this is all over with and she could just move on with life.

this stupid, horrid life that she doesn’t want anyway.

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soaking

in the tub. with my cell. with bubbles and epsom salt. with hot and hoefully healing waters.

in my self-hatred and concern. about my skills set and capabilities. about if my creativity is even alive anymore. about my cage called “a body”.

in my longing. for the sun. to be outside. to have a group of friends. to host shindigs. to have a home again.

in my fear. of my personal future. of what this president is doing to the whole world. of my career. of never being happy again. of being stuck in this state.

in hopelessness. because nothing will  change soon enough. because I will never like, much less love, myself. because I will never truly write again.

in the tub. with cold water now. without anymore bubbles or full grains of salt. without any sense of peace that this was supposed to give me.

soaking.

Christmas Cards!!

or Holiday Cards. or however the hell you call them. my cards, and I like alliteration — CHRISTMAS CARDS!!

go here and simply fill in your info, and you’ll (eventually) get a (belated) Christmas card.

let’s keep the USPS (and your own country’s too!) in business! XD

blub blub…

I have 64 words for NaNo so far.  and that’s all just from editing and adding words to older work.  none of it is totally fresh content.  because I have no fresh content in my brain.  I can’t think.  I’m too tired all the time.  I either have something else scheduled at the time, or I don’t have something else scheduled and therein opt to just sleep.

I almost made it to kickboxing this morning.  I got dressed and packed up.  I was fighting off a breakdown the whole time.  then, when it was time to put on shoes and go out the door, I just cracked.  I started bawling.  by the time I gathered myself enough to leave, it was too late and would cause me to be truant.  so I cried all over again.  then Brian eventually coerced me into going to the apartment’s gym and just walking on the treadmill at a stroll for 15 minutes.  and then I tucked my tail between my legs as I shuffled back to the apartment, defeated.  he congratulated and said he was proud of me.  he reiterated that “something is better than nothing”.  but all I could think of is how “a lot is more than something”.

I was legit tardy to work yesterday.  I couldn’t wake up; I couldn’t function.  I was so fatigued, it was beyond words.  and it’s not like I stayed up late on Sunday or anything.  maybe it was the time change Sunday morning.  maybe it’s just my body shutting down.  but it caused me to be late to a point of disciplinary action.  I mean, it’s just earning points towards a larger avoidable balance (think golf).  but hey, any points is more than no points.  and I got some points for being truant yesterday.  ugh.

I’m really falling apart.  I don’t know how to keep above water, much less start actually swimming again.

NaNoWriMo 2017

I’m gonna try again.  I’m gonna pass my hand at NaNoWriMo.  I attempted in 2007-2009, finally succeeding in 2010.  then I would try lackadaisically on and off for the next few years.  now, it’s 2017, and I need to put some words out.

my plan is to pick back up an old piece on which I was working.  it’s a comedic fantasy piece that has no real plot destination, lol.  however, that’s great for just writing and generating words with no care of the content or its value.

I’m really excited, and I just hope I can do it.

for those who don’t know, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is a national challenge every November to write a 50,000-word novella.  my goal, however, will be 60,000.  that means 2,000 words a day; that also gives me some wiggle room for ensuring I complete 50k.

I’ll try to keep y’all updating as to my status.

if anyone is interested in reading the ridiculousness, just let me know.  🙂

back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

snow-globe

I am a paltry human,apocalypse-snow-globe
invisible to the viewer, my existence not even guaranteed.

I am a window in a building,
black glass with white splotches on the seal.

I am a tiny structure,
my roof barely peaking high enough to be seen.

I am a block in a neighbourhood,
where homely warmth is only pretend.

I am a small city,
locked away inside a semi-circle.

I am a snow-globe,
and nothing inside me is really of any concern.