it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. ūüėÄ

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ‚̧

work nigh resulted in self-injury

I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.

but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.

as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….

Continue reading

should we be alright with being mediocre?

only 2.5¬†of the numerous jobs I’ve had did I very actively not like. ¬†1.5 of them were retail (I say a half because I liked the job at first; it just got old and certain changes yielded to my starting to dislike it), and one of them was a call center. ¬†all of the others, I actually didn’t mind going to work most days. ¬†some days, I even really enjoyed it.

I’m on the fence about this one. ¬†I like what I do — I like the money management, I like the paperwork, etc. ¬†and I like for whom we do it — impoverish people who are just trying to have a new start in life, or who were unjustly attacked or injured. ¬†and I even like most of the people I work with. ¬†but when something here stresses me out, I bring it home and I obsess over it for several days later.

I allowed¬†a few tears last night because of yesterday’s miscommunication. ¬†because I’m just tired of it. ¬†and I still am not sufficiently fluent in Spanish. ¬†and I keep messing things up.

I asked Brian last night how do people endure working somewhere they hate. ¬†he said, from what he’s come to understand, is that in most cases they just don’t care about the job they do. ¬†they text, or play on Facebook, or take forever to do Job A to avoid having to do Job B, etc. ¬†they don’t actually try most times, nor do they really care about their quality of work.

I can’t fathom that. ¬†I mean, it makes sense. ¬†it really does. ¬†and I can see if from an employee’s view and from a customer’s view the poor service many people provide in various jobs. ¬†but I can only see that a possibility; surely that can’t be reality.

that’s one reason I left the half-disliked job — the changes they made ensured I would not be able to do my best work in the position, and I wasn’t okay with that.

when I was at the call center, I tried to help every single customer to the best of my ability.

because that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? ¬†how can we expect good service from others if we’re not providing it ourselves? ¬†how can we ever improve or grow as individuals if we’re not challenging ourselves? ¬†how is acceptable to okay at be shitty?

so maybe he’s right…. ¬†maybe I care too much about the quality of work I do. ¬†maybe I’m at fault for having respect for others and for my job.

and I would love to say, “well here on out, I’ll be alright doing mediocre work just like everyone else.” ¬†but I know that’s a lie. ¬†so I’ll just stay in this job, and I just keep going home miserable, and I’ll keep crying and struggling. ¬†because even I wanted to, I don’t think I could sacrifice my integrity just to make my life easier.

just a check-in

I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel. ¬†not all good, but whatever. ¬†my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”. ¬†I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.

she wants to work on how critical I am of myself.  we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents.  we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey.  she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.

I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature. ¬†I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy. ¬†I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it. ¬†of course all of this ties together. ¬†but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus. ¬†we’ll see how that goes.

 

work is okay, I guess. ¬†I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish. ¬†so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job. ¬†everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires. ¬†and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it. ¬†it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.

and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything. ¬†I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me. ¬†it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.

as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course). ¬†I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her. ¬†and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.

 

Wrestlemania was this past weekend.  if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here.  because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK.  what is happening in my life.  but more on that later, maybe.

 

I’m volunteering a lot again. ¬†that’s kinda nice. ¬†give me a fake sense of purpose, lol. ¬†I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition. ¬†so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.

 

the weather is finally turning nice. ¬†there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.

 

okay, this is a long entry. ¬†I’ll end it now. ¬†write again soon.

random check-in

I finally caught up on comments to my posts. ¬†I’m still going through all of y’all’s posts.

it seems I still have readers over at my LiveJournal. ¬†so I may start posting over there again. ¬†I’m getting emails again when my ElJay friends post, so that’s something. ¬†ElJay was just so limiting, ya know? ¬†but hey, it’s free, and it was what was available to me a million years ago.

ugh. ¬†I’m just not feel it today. ¬†I don’t give a shit about anything. ¬†I don’t care about doing my job well, as I usually do. ¬†I don’t care about how I look or feel, other than trying to care about the not-caring. ¬†I’m not sure if I’m hungry, though I usually start to get so around this time.

I’m rekindling one of my favourite¬†friendships — Dave. ¬†he’s a freakin’ character, y’all. ¬†anyway, he randomly messaged me about a week ago, and now we’re messaging almost everyday and have Skyped twice. ¬†he’s super¬†laissez-faire, just great fun. ¬†he’s a supporter of some my “bad habits” (smokes. drinks. etc.), but he’s very healthy about them and guides me through proper methods of enjoying them.

he’s also my camping buddy. ¬†I remember the first time I went to his place. ¬†a fair bit of land, and a large pond. ¬†there was an old¬†pirogue (a cajun canoe) on the water, and he mentioned taking me out in it. ¬†and I asked if there were two so we could both paddle. ¬†he said there was only the one, then mentioned how maybe he should paddle alone. ¬†I assertively informed him that I a master canoer and would be fine. ¬†so we both get in. ¬†and I just take over steering — apparently enough so and with sufficient skill that I thoroughly impressed him. ¬†lol. ¬†a year or so later, we would become river buddies, kayaking down various waters together.

kayaking. ¬†I miss it. ¬†it’s been too long since I’ve paddled. ¬†hell, I would even take flat water right now. ¬†just, anything. ¬†and sun. ¬†and warmth. ¬†and creatures (bugs, birds, anything).

I have another post I plan to write more about that. ¬†today’s was just to pump by blog back up on your reading list. ¬†ūüôā

Death of a Saleswoman

I’m a good saleswoman. ¬†I can make you buy just about anything. ¬†when I was just a peon at the portrait studio, I was capable of having you purchasing so many portraits, you wouldn’t know what to do with them all. ¬†when I was a cashier at a book store, I constantly broke through the roof in membership card sales. ¬†I was always one of the most successful Girl Scout cookies seller in my childhood. ¬†I’ve always been able to get people to buy what I want to them to buy.

and this time around, I over-successfully sold me.

that’s how I feel at work. ¬†I think I over-sold myself to them, and now I’ve screwed them over. ¬†I did¬†too¬†well in the interview, because I’m obviously not nearly as competent and intelligent as I made myself out to be.

I wouldn’t say I’m a liar, because I’m not. ¬†I just used stronger language than I should have, maybe. ¬†instead of ¬†expressing myself as comfortable and relatively experienced with finances maybe I should have said I’m an idiot with numbers as soon as you place a dollar sign in front of them (Brian can confirm the truth in that). ¬†instead of telling them that I would be willing to relearn Spanish, I should have commented on my inability to really recall any information or facts.

I have done them a disservice in selling myself so well to them.  and this guilt is going to eat me alive.

brief update

things have been surprisingly overall good.

 

Work

work is a million times better. ¬†I’m not coming home crying every night, which is a nice change.I feel more confident in my skills and my ability to carry out tasks and understand ideas. ¬†I mean,we all knew I would get to a place of competency; what we didn’t know was if I would I be able to survive the wait. ¬†well, looks like I could. ¬†ūüôā

 

Volunteer

I’ve applied to volunteer with a few organizations, all three animal-related.

The first one, it would be regular, constant shifts. ¬†I’m awaiting additional information from them. ¬†They house cats they are up for adoption and assist soon-to-be-owners in choosing the best critter for their home and family.

The second one is more of event planning for this other animal organization.  There is going to be a meeting in early January about fundraising ideas.

And the third, I’m still waiting to learn more details about the style of volunteerism and its related tasks.

 

Friends

I found a Young Adult Book club on MeetUp. com. ¬†Rather than a YA book club, it’s kinda just this group of friends who gets together to do shit, some of which is occasionally YA book-related, lol. ¬†which I don’t mind! ¬†I’ve gone to four or five events now, so I really think they are going to be a group of friends I can turn to for large social interaction.

 

Creativity

I’m DM’ing a table-top role-playing game that’s based in the¬†Supernatural world and uses the Cortex system. ¬†However, we have one person who’s being non-committal about playing. ¬†We want at least three Players, and we currently only have two (excluding the aforementioned girl), so her commitment is important. When it looked like she wasn’t going to be interested and after she ceased responding to my efforts of communication, I offered the spot to another person. ¬†Her was interested; but then he too went radio silent.

It’s usually hard to find DM’s, not the Players, lol.

 

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