I found this entry of New York Times‘s “The Ethicist” interesting: should you tell your boss about your mental illness. (copy-pasted below for your convenience.)
hello, hello. I’m still up and running — albeit, barely. so here’s an update on my life recently.
work at the law firm is going the same as usual. I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything. but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do. so I just sit and mope.
the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend. I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks. I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter. it was cool. I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.
my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek. I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.
oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it. 😀
I want to do the Polar Plunge this year. it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some. I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me. and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.
no, I haven’t started back into grad school. I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools. so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such. so that’s a new project soon to be started.
Brian is still running Scion. I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.
I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord. hopefully, I will start writing again soon.
so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended. I can technically go into bars and the like again. I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult. Brian pointed this out to me — I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?
but it doesn’t matter to me. my behaviour won’t change much. I will still have a few drinks here or there. I just have to keep it in check.
I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately. it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos. cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done. but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.
I’ve been not eating again. a lot. but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.
…despite not doing my kickboxing. I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month. wtf? I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.
but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think. and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to. nothing serious, of course. but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into. sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….
as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head. between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart. I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless. I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.
things are pretty good between us. he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me. I can see it’s wearing on him, though. I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.
Staying in Minnesota
rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”. but I’m not getting my hopes. we’ve already been here 2.5 years. so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.
though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….
I’ve managed to go to work every day this week. I haven’t gone to the gym at all, granted. but I went to work. and I actually got some work done. not much; not as much as I’d like or as I should have — but some.
I haven’t cut. I haven’t had a night of drinking myself into oblivion. I’ve stopped eating, for a large part; but I’m not binging.
it’s snowing sideways here. the weather has much more energy than I. I took the elevator to go up one floor.
I’m not doing well.
I meet with my therapist tomorrow. maybe she can help me figure some of it out.
so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.
my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.
OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!
last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.
then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.
Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??
anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!
Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.
Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀
so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤
I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.
but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.
as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….
only 2.5 of the numerous jobs I’ve had did I very actively not like. 1.5 of them were retail (I say a half because I liked the job at first; it just got old and certain changes yielded to my starting to dislike it), and one of them was a call center. all of the others, I actually didn’t mind going to work most days. some days, I even really enjoyed it.
I’m on the fence about this one. I like what I do — I like the money management, I like the paperwork, etc. and I like for whom we do it — impoverish people who are just trying to have a new start in life, or who were unjustly attacked or injured. and I even like most of the people I work with. but when something here stresses me out, I bring it home and I obsess over it for several days later.
I allowed a few tears last night because of yesterday’s miscommunication. because I’m just tired of it. and I still am not sufficiently fluent in Spanish. and I keep messing things up.
I asked Brian last night how do people endure working somewhere they hate. he said, from what he’s come to understand, is that in most cases they just don’t care about the job they do. they text, or play on Facebook, or take forever to do Job A to avoid having to do Job B, etc. they don’t actually try most times, nor do they really care about their quality of work.
I can’t fathom that. I mean, it makes sense. it really does. and I can see if from an employee’s view and from a customer’s view the poor service many people provide in various jobs. but I can only see that a possibility; surely that can’t be reality.
that’s one reason I left the half-disliked job — the changes they made ensured I would not be able to do my best work in the position, and I wasn’t okay with that.
when I was at the call center, I tried to help every single customer to the best of my ability.
because that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? how can we expect good service from others if we’re not providing it ourselves? how can we ever improve or grow as individuals if we’re not challenging ourselves? how is acceptable to okay at be shitty?
so maybe he’s right…. maybe I care too much about the quality of work I do. maybe I’m at fault for having respect for others and for my job.
and I would love to say, “well here on out, I’ll be alright doing mediocre work just like everyone else.” but I know that’s a lie. so I’ll just stay in this job, and I just keep going home miserable, and I’ll keep crying and struggling. because even I wanted to, I don’t think I could sacrifice my integrity just to make my life easier.
I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel. not all good, but whatever. my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”. I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.
she wants to work on how critical I am of myself. we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents. we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey. she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.
I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature. I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy. I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it. of course all of this ties together. but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus. we’ll see how that goes.
work is okay, I guess. I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish. so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job. everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires. and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it. it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.
and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything. I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me. it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.
as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course). I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her. and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.
Wrestlemania was this past weekend. if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here. because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK. what is happening in my life. but more on that later, maybe.
I’m volunteering a lot again. that’s kinda nice. give me a fake sense of purpose, lol. I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition. so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.
the weather is finally turning nice. there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.
okay, this is a long entry. I’ll end it now. write again soon.