NaNoWriMo 2017

I’m gonna try again.  I’m gonna pass my hand at NaNoWriMo.  I attempted in 2007-2009, finally succeeding in 2010.  then I would try lackadaisically on and off for the next few years.  now, it’s 2017, and I need to put some words out.

my plan is to pick back up an old piece on which I was working.  it’s a comedic fantasy piece that has no real plot destination, lol.  however, that’s great for just writing and generating words with no care of the content or its value.

I’m really excited, and I just hope I can do it.

for those who don’t know, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is a national challenge every November to write a 50,000-word novella.  my goal, however, will be 60,000.  that means 2,000 words a day; that also gives me some wiggle room for ensuring I complete 50k.

I’ll try to keep y’all updating as to my status.

if anyone is interested in reading the ridiculousness, just let me know.  🙂

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running out of Spoons

I have no Spoons.  I’m exhausted, and I have no interest in anything.

just three or so days ago, I was elated with how awesome my life was turning out.  things were really on the upswing.

and now, I’m back down at the bottom, barely able to stay above water.

I guess that’s bipolar for ya.  rapid cycling is a bitch.  not only are the ups and downs are in and of themselves, but they are fucking exhausting just as they are.  you don’t need to throw in the depression and apathy or the risky behaviour and police collisions.  just the up and down alone is enough to cause a person to fall flat on the floor and never move again.

I can’t do this Adult thing.  I’m running out of Spoons to even do this Human thing.  I really want to just curl up on the floor in a sunspot and take a nap.

my eating disorder is getting loud again.  I’m skipping meals more often, and I’m pigging out more often too.  I don’t know how best to approach the whole thing at this point.  I really think I’m going to go back to making sandwiches and keeping my life simple for a while.  I don’t have the Spoons to spare to worry about something be paleo or high in carbs or having too much sugar.  I just don’t.

a non-typical post about Panic Attacks

so first, let’s understand a typical panic attack:

“a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.”  that’s the general definition.  when people think of “panic attacks”, they see Monk freaking out.  how cute, right?

but real panic attacks are more than just that.

and then there are the atypical panic attacks.  the ones that happen in the mind and never manifest outside the body.  I just had one.  I was sitting here, trying to coordinate my route and plans at home.  and inside my Mind, I lost my damn Shit.  externally, no one would have seen anything; I seemed fine.  I was in control of all my motors, and I wasn’t babbling some incoherent shit.  but inside of my head, LIGHTS WERE GOING OFF THAT SET OFF ADDITIONAL ALARMS AND EVERYTHING WAS SHUTTING DOWN AND I CAN’T DO THIS!!

and then, after several minutes, it stopped.  and now …. now that I am ready to write about it, I can’t.  so there goes that fucking useful as shit entry…….

distracted from the Darkness

I have been having something scheduled for almost everyday.  back to my old “keep busy to distract the Mind” trick.  because when I’m not doing something, when I don’t have music or work or people to distract me, my thoughts get Dark again.  “I wonder what would happen if I drove into oncoming traffic.”  “I wonder how long of a fall it is off that bridge.”  “I wonder it would feel like to have my wrists slit open.”  Dark, dangerous thoughts.

thoughts I will not act on, granted.  at least, not while properly medicated.  and this is why I take my medication.  this is why I have such a cocktail that I must take — to keep from obeying the Dark thoughts.

because life is generally pointless.  I’m an American, and I’m watching my country fall apart at the hands of a bigoted piece of shit.  who, mind you, is also trying to start a war with another country.  hurricanes and earthquakes are destroying this continent.  and that’s just the fun stuff on a large scale.

everyday, people are hurting others.  sure, there’s a lot of good stuff and “pay it forwards” that happen too, and these just don’t show up in the stories as often.  I understand that; I took journalism classes.  however, I can’t handle the input of only negative shit every day.

and then there’s the Darkness in my mind, a force that somehow prevents me from experiencing joy sometimes.  a power that mutates comments into insults and gazes into glares.  a force that has me totally retracting from my partner for fear of worsening his life.

yeah, that’s the third level.  the personal level.  I can’t recall what exactly set it off, or if it was a single thing at all.  but I’ve started pushing Brian away some.  I don’t really know what to say on this matter.  I just feel like trusting him make me weak, and I need to stand on my own some.  I’ve become a limp noodle.  I need to act as if there is no net beneath me.

I have no witty or insightful closing for this post.  I’m tired and hungry, and I can’t think.  so I’ll end just like this.

back into the pool

the headaches are coming back.  the dreams too.  the anxiety and hatred.  the strength and endurance.  the desire, the hope.  the disorder.

I’m wanting to save the photos on my phone, go back to that old forum I used to be on, and stroll through a large database that may not even be up anymore.  I want to be more precise with my calories, counting pieces of gum and always overestimating, just to be safe.  wanting to start drinking tons of water to fill up.  to do random exercises just to burn as many calories as I can.

and I’m not sure there’s any part of me that wants to stop me.

there are parts that know it’s “wrong” and unhealthy.  but that doesn’t matter to me.  when it comes to an addiction, those are weak arguments.

I’m sliding back into the deep end of the pool, and the water is frigid.  but that’s just how I like it, because my body will have to work harder to keep warm.  and any effort counts.

Week-End Wrap-Up: Week 36

well, I had a second UTI in three weeks.  and this one is so bad it moved up into my kidneys.  the nurse practitioner seemed impressed of sorts when she reviewed my stats:

Component Your Value Standard Range
UA PH OP 5.0   5.0, 5.5, 6.0, 6.5, 7.0, 7.5, 8.0
UA SPECIFIC GRAVITY OP 1.020   1.015, 1.020, 1.025
UA PROTEIN OP >=300 mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA GLUCOSE OP 100 mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA KETONES OP Trace mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA BILIRUBIN OP Small   Negative
UA BLOOD OP Moderate   Negative, Trace
UA UROBILINOGEN OP 2.0 EU/dL 0.2, 1.0 EU/dL
UA LEUKOCYTE ESTERASE OP Large   Negative, Trace
UA NITRITE OP Positive   Negative

the whole >=300 protein bit really made her nervous, lol.  all that the above says is “OMG YES, THIS IS A BAD UTI”.  XD  so there’s that going on.

oh!  she did give me a recommendation to a urologist to finally get this mess checked out and see what’s wrong with me.  that’s good news.

 

Brian’s trying to get a table-top group going again.  he’s got his eyes on a wrestling RPG.  Tiger can’t commit right now; Daminelle is not interested in the wrestling one.  so we may be having to bring on new people, or think of something else.  Brian, Dam, and I are to talk tonight about what all our options are.  I’m willing to DM a story-heavy campaign, not so much a hack’n’slash one.  so we’ll see.

 

really, that UTI has been the bulk of my week.  maybe next time I’ll have more interesting things to share….

Annual Review of August 2016-2017

so I had this all written up about a week ago.  I’ve asked Brian a few times to help me review it and ensure I was holding an objective and realistic perspective on things.  he never did, so I’m just shooting it out as-is.  I’ll tweak it and flesh it out later.  but here’s a start.

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