Proclamation of Addiction Rehabilitation Graduation

~~>  I “graduated” from Townsend last night,  <~~
~~>  and tonight’s my last night of required Group sessions.  <~~

with the above opening alone, there’s so many directions into which I could go:

  • I gained a lot of valuable lessons from my 10 weeks in the program.
  • I gained insight from things that were said to me last night from other patients.
  • I’ve decided upon my future approach to alcohol: <insert decision here>.
  • I’ve still yet to decide as to what the fuck I’m going to do about my drinking.
  • I respect myself more for getting into the program.
  • I respect myself more for enduring the extension.
  • I respect myself less for allowing myself to be persuaded into the extension.
  • this was overall a beneficial experience.
  • this was overall utter bullshit and a complete waste of time.

I mean, not only are there many options, but numerous of them even contradict others.  I guess what I can say I’ve definitely gleamed from this is: I’m not really sure about anything.

things I can say are probably true are that I overvalue the opinions of others, that I’m not as strongly in Control of myself as I would otherwise like to be, that I had a serious drinking problem, and that I’m impressive on the shore front.

I don’t know if I’ll never be able to control it, I don’t know if I will work on not drinking at all, I don’t know if I’ll stay in “recovery”, I don’t know wtf “recovery” even means to me.

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad.  My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty — love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity, to name a few.
~ Brene Brown ~

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part of me says the trick is to journal when I am in each of the three main forms: anti-drinking (never drink again), moderate-drinking (or controlled drinking), and fuck-it-all (ready to Quit at everything).

at the moment, for example, I would be in the moderate category: I don’t need or even really want a drink right now, nor any of my other addictions (over- or under-eating, self-injury, pills, speeding, etc.), but I don’t think that I need to give it up for all times forever and ever; moreover, I’m not running through my Suicide Plan in my mind at the moment.  I’m just kinda … hanging loose.  I mean hell, I’m even coherent and motivated enough to write a blog entry.  this is an improvement!

but conversely, not being in the pits of despair, I’m not sure just how far I’ll go in a given situation to stop Hurting — how much I’ll drink, how deep I’ll cut, how many I’ll swallow, how fast I’ll go….  but does any of us ever really know how far we’ll go until we’re actually pushed there?  and even then, how do we know that’s our limits?  aren’t there times that we think, “oh man, this is the worst!”, only to later admit to ourselves, “ahp, we were wrong; this is the worst!”?

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there’s a seedling in me that says I should be making this decision about drinking now, while I’m moderately level.  because when I’m sad, I’m distraught; when I’m happy, I’m manic — we Crazy blokes have no middle ground.

similarly, though, that means the rare middle ground is very foreign.  I’m not commonly here; so why would I make a decision about Situation C when it so rarely occurs?  that’s like saying, “we’ll always keep a bucket of water in the library for fires, because it’s the safe thing to do, even though there’s so rarely any fires here.”  …okay, so that was a shitty simile.  but you get my drift?

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so then here we are.  back at the starting line of the What the Fuck Do I Do Now race.  and even though I’m the key competitor and judge, I still feel like I’m going to lose….

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quitting the game, surrendering in war

I remember when I went to the mental hospital back in April 2004. I remember my mom talking about now they have no idea how to scold me (I was 17 years old then), for fear of causing me to have an attack or to cut. she was frightened to even approach me sometimes; I could see it.

Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~ Adelle DeWitt

 

and my dad? he told me that until I got out, until things got “back to normal”, everything would have to be about me.

he said it again when I started rehab. that lots of the plans and goals he had for the family and even for his own life, they were going to have to be postponed because everything was going to be about me … again.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I don’t like reaching out. I’m capable of it, but it usually leads to negative effects in the end. and I’m tired of being the cause of bad shit in people’s lives. and in my own life, in regard to depending on others.

and I
am feeling so small.
it was over my head;
I know nothing at all.
and I
will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I also remember when Brian turned it off. when he decided it was time to stop fighting against me. and honestly, truly, I don’t blame him. I long wondered why he put up with it for so long anyway.

say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I remember him being in tears, telling me that — for now — he was done. he was done with it. Brian had decided that he wasn’t going to try to discourage my drinking, because the battle was too exhausting for him; he was tired of fighting.

and I
will swallow my pride.
you’re the one
that I love,
and I’m saying goodbye.

there was a boy many years ago who stole my heart. he helped me in so many ways, and he helped me at the time create myself into who and what I wanted to be. he put me on the right path. everyone considered us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, to be dating — we were carrying out all the dating rituals, even. but it wasn’t technically “official”.

I finally found the nerve to ask him, to make it official. and he said no. my Depression was too strong for him. when I hurt, he hurt. and he was tired of hurting.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
and anywhere, I would have followed you!
say something; I’m giving up on you.

well so the fuck am I. why does everyone else get to quit, everyone else gets to run away. but for them, I have to stay and fight. I have to take on this beast alone. because when I ask for help, when I start to lean, I break them.

hell, an unnamed friend of mine who I’ve known since middle school, she occasionally comments on how she’s impressed that I haven’t broken Brian yet or at least haven’t forced him to flee — because, she points out, one or other has happened to every other guy I bot officially and unofficially dated.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
say something…

if everyone else gets to quit, I do too.

I’ve been cold with Brian the last few days, distant. it’s because I’m tired of being hurt too, I’m tired of fighting. and because of my illnesses, that’s what this is turning into — constant pain and battles.

now note, I do realise the issue isn’t with these other people, but rather with me. I recognize that I’m the broken one, that I’m the damaged one. I get that if I were actually better, I’d hurt others less, and therein they’d hurt me less. but that’s not who I am, and I’m starting to realize that’s not someone I can be. rather, I’m going to be forever Damaged.

Brian said I couldn’t quit dating him for his own good. I made a promise to that.  well, we’ll just have him break up with me for his own good.  I’ll continue to be distant from him — from everyone but this blog and possibly Twitter, honestly –, and I’ll let our relationship fall apart.  then not only will he be able to leave, but then maybe he’ll leave with less guilt — because I’ll be the one who things.  as always.

I realize this is counter to “recovery”.  but it’s apparent that it’s what needs to be done.  because I don’t want to be hurt again. and because I’m tired of fighting too.

“tis but a scratch”

I feel like I’m in war.

I’ve got my family and (most of) my friends encouraging me in this war.  they’re calling themselves my allies.  they’re offering weapons and supplies.  they tell me if they could, they would even join in the battle.  they’d take up arms too.

I have a few friends who are refusing to acknowledge the war.  it’s not that big of an issue, or it’s all in my mind, or it doesn’t really affect them.  whatever the case, they don’t get involved.  they are the countries that still expect commerce and trade whilst bullets are flying around me.

immediately surrounding me are the countries who “know better”.  they “advise” me on how to approach the whole war.  they too offer weapons and soldiers.  but I worry they only want me to win because it’s good for their own economy.

then there’s me.

my country has been in wars for over two decades.  as soon as one starts to slow, another begins.  multiple wars, multiple battles, multiple fights.  the casualties are high.  my soldiers are tired.  they’re ready to forfeit.

 

 

I’m tired of reaching out to friends, and all of them telling me to just “wait it out” until I’m actually sober, and that things will be/get better then.

I’m tired of people telling me how much better it will be, that it will all be worth it.

I am waking up miserable and desiring death every morning.  your laughter, your love, your friendship — I’m tired, and I don’t give a fuck about it.

I am metaphorically bleeding out, and everyone is telling me “it’s just a flesh wound“.  fuck you, assholes; I’m fucking dying.  I am bleeding to death; I can’t breathe; I can’t feel; I’m falling apart.

 

 

I’m done with them.  I’m tired of having my pain ignored and belittled.  if it’s so fucking easy to be happy, then you can have it and enjoy it.

me, I’m getting close to being done.

 

I mean, via how many different venues must I plead?

“5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking” (via Cracked.com)

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking” is a beautifully informative and hilarious article written by the wonderful John Cheese.  for anyone who’s wanting to support my efforts of going clean, I suggest you read it.  for the lazy folk, I’ve provided a summary with excerpts below, as well as my personal comments.

 

summary:

5]  The Stench: “How bad is it? Another Cracked writer on the wagon (who posts as Yowhound) was actually kicked off of a public bus because of this … in Europe.”

4]  The Nightmares:  “That’s when you get some of the most frequent and realistic nightmares you’ve ever experienced. Intense feelings of dread and anxiety thump through your sleeping mind, as if the stench demon decided to drift into your cerebral cortex.”

3]  The Poop:  “The point being, have you ever shit an antler? Because that’s what it feels like. The intestines extract an insane amount of water from your feces, leaving you with a bowel full of granite.”

2]  The Urge to Murder:  “The smallest things would irritate me into a full-blown rage. Little annoyances, like the person who was sitting at the same picnic table as me who wouldn’t stop tapping his leg up and down, shaking the whole contraption. I wanted get a gun and murder him and all of the other people in the world who had failed to murder him up to that point.”

1]  The Blissful High:  “For a few days after a person becomes completely detoxed, his body will get an unexpected dose of oxygen, real food and natural chemicals that will put him on a natural high. It’s just a symptom, just like the pooping, and likewise it won’t last. Truthfully, you don’t want it to.”

 

my comments:

5]  The Stench: well, this will be just great.  I already get the sweats at nights because of my meds.  now I’ll just have them all day.

4]  The Nightmares:  I’m not worried about the nightmares as much as the insomnia.  I already have nightmares; how much worse can it get, really?  and drinking would help me sleep more than any meds have.

3]  The Poop:  I can vouch for this.  during my past attempts to dry up some, I noticed a harden of it.  ugh, the pain.

2]  The Urge to Murder:  great.  I’m going to be even more irritable and pissed off than usual.  this is one reason I’m cancelling almost every social event I have planned in the near future.

1]  The Blissful High:  well, I’m not feeling it yet.  I’m just feeling cravings and urges and desires and anger and resentment and guilt.  no “blissful high” here.  :/

 

John Cheese has other great articles on addictions and sobriety.  Here’s two more and their points:

  • 7 Things You Don’t Know About Addiction (Unless You Quit)
    • Alcohol Turns You into George Lucas
    • You Will Lose Most of Your Friends
    • Current Alcoholics Just Piss You Off
    • Boredom Changes Everything
    • Any Conversation About Alcohol Is Now Awkward
    • You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
    • You Will Still Have Cravings Like It Was Day One Again
  • 5 Things I Learned About Addiction After 5 Years Sober
    • The Addicted Min Searches for Anything to Be Addicted To
    • People Only Accept Your Commitment After a Certain Amount of Time
    • People Want You to Diagnose Them
    • It’s Easy to Burn Out on Your Hobbies
    • When People Stop Giving a Shit, It’s a Good Thing

disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.