Proclamation of Addiction Rehabilitation Graduation

~~>  I “graduated” from Townsend last night,  <~~
~~>  and tonight’s my last night of required Group sessions.  <~~

with the above opening alone, there’s so many directions into which I could go:

  • I gained a lot of valuable lessons from my 10 weeks in the program.
  • I gained insight from things that were said to me last night from other patients.
  • I’ve decided upon my future approach to alcohol: <insert decision here>.
  • I’ve still yet to decide as to what the fuck I’m going to do about my drinking.
  • I respect myself more for getting into the program.
  • I respect myself more for enduring the extension.
  • I respect myself less for allowing myself to be persuaded into the extension.
  • this was overall a beneficial experience.
  • this was overall utter bullshit and a complete waste of time.

I mean, not only are there many options, but numerous of them even contradict others.  I guess what I can say I’ve definitely gleamed from this is: I’m not really sure about anything.

things I can say are probably true are that I overvalue the opinions of others, that I’m not as strongly in Control of myself as I would otherwise like to be, that I had a serious drinking problem, and that I’m impressive on the shore front.

I don’t know if I’ll never be able to control it, I don’t know if I will work on not drinking at all, I don’t know if I’ll stay in “recovery”, I don’t know wtf “recovery” even means to me.

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad.  My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty — love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity, to name a few.
~ Brene Brown ~

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part of me says the trick is to journal when I am in each of the three main forms: anti-drinking (never drink again), moderate-drinking (or controlled drinking), and fuck-it-all (ready to Quit at everything).

at the moment, for example, I would be in the moderate category: I don’t need or even really want a drink right now, nor any of my other addictions (over- or under-eating, self-injury, pills, speeding, etc.), but I don’t think that I need to give it up for all times forever and ever; moreover, I’m not running through my Suicide Plan in my mind at the moment.  I’m just kinda … hanging loose.  I mean hell, I’m even coherent and motivated enough to write a blog entry.  this is an improvement!

but conversely, not being in the pits of despair, I’m not sure just how far I’ll go in a given situation to stop Hurting — how much I’ll drink, how deep I’ll cut, how many I’ll swallow, how fast I’ll go….  but does any of us ever really know how far we’ll go until we’re actually pushed there?  and even then, how do we know that’s our limits?  aren’t there times that we think, “oh man, this is the worst!”, only to later admit to ourselves, “ahp, we were wrong; this is the worst!”?

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there’s a seedling in me that says I should be making this decision about drinking now, while I’m moderately level.  because when I’m sad, I’m distraught; when I’m happy, I’m manic — we Crazy blokes have no middle ground.

similarly, though, that means the rare middle ground is very foreign.  I’m not commonly here; so why would I make a decision about Situation C when it so rarely occurs?  that’s like saying, “we’ll always keep a bucket of water in the library for fires, because it’s the safe thing to do, even though there’s so rarely any fires here.”  …okay, so that was a shitty simile.  but you get my drift?

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so then here we are.  back at the starting line of the What the Fuck Do I Do Now race.  and even though I’m the key competitor and judge, I still feel like I’m going to lose….

gravity

re·lapse
 /'rə-laps/

verb (used without object), relapsed, relapsing
 1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.
 2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery
 3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide

noun
 4. an act or instance of relapsing
 5. a return of a disease or illness after partial recovery from it

Gravity
is working against me.
and Gravity
wants to bring me down.

I started the seven-week Townsend intensive out-patient rehabilitation program on November 6th, 2014.  my last day should could have been this Friday.  but instead, it’s been extended three weeks to January 15th.  why?  because I’ve relapsed many times since I started.  for example, one relapse lasted three days.  another occurred just this weekend at the Bowl Game.

oh, I’ll never know
what makes this man,
with all the love
that his heart can stand,
dream of ways
to Throw it all away.

so Brian and I met with the counselor (yes, the same one from a previous post) about the question of extending my treatment.

“what do you think?” the counselor asked me while we were alone.

“I think I’d like to call Brian in here.”

“that’s fine.  but why?”

“because if it’s just up to me, I’d say no, that I’m done with all this.”

“done with it?  relapsing this weekend doesn’t sound like you’ve completed the program.”

I said ‘done with’, not ‘succeeded’, you dumbass, I thought.  but instead, I said nothing and simply shrugged.

oh, twice as much
ain’t twice as good
and can’t sustain
like one have could.
it’s wanting More
that’s gonna send me to
my knees.

Brian talked about wanting me to be happy, about how I should really give the program a chance and do it correctly.  all very good points.

oh, Gravity,
stay the hell away from me.
oh, Gravity,
has taken better men than me.
(how can that be?)

but I don’t know where I stand.  Brian mentioned how he truly believes I want to get Better, but he doesn’t know/understand what I exactly I perceive to be Better — sobriety, controlling my addictions, etc.

just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where, keep me where the Light is.

but honestly, I don’t even know if I want to get Better anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  depression, addiction, borderline, OCD, anxiety, eating disorder, self-injury, bipolar, so many fucking physical ailments too … I’m feeling really outnumbered in this Battle.  and the more I fight it, the more I’m realising I just don’t care if I Win anymore.  I’m ready to Surrender just to be done with it all…

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.
~ Jacques Yves Cousteau

my “ongoing” page

I made a page for anything that I update regularly (ongoing and continuous lists, for example).
currently it features the following:

 

I’ll add more along the way.

embarrassing email to boss

so I just sent the following email to my supervisor:

Ms. Katherine,

It plagues me to have to inform you that in the last month, I received a DUI due to new medication I was taking. I haven’t heard yet on what the repercussions will be. However, they might include a stint of incarceration. I do not know when or for how long. As soon as I learn more, I’ll let you know.

I just wanted to give you the heads up, in case the incarceration forces me to miss some days of work. I’ll look into how that would be catalogued in LOLA.

I’m terribly embarrassed about the situation, and I apologize for any inconveniences this causes.

As stated, I will keep you updated on the process.

 

ugh, this is so disgusting.

 

as I told a friend, it would be one thing if this were done on purpose, if I had actively gotten into the car drunk.  but I didn’t.  I blacked out at home, with no intention of going anywhere that night.  and this happened after only two beers.  again, we’re thinking it was mixing the meds from my stomach virus with the alcohol.

and also as I told him, however, a DUI is a DUI, no matter the circumstances.

I have to get one of those interlocking devices for my car.  and in 30 days, my license will be suspended; not sure for how long, but some cases it can be up to a full year.

 

I’m not sure what’s upsetting me more — the fact that this happened again, or the fact that I might lose my job.  I can get over the car interlock, all the money I have to pay, the embarrassment with my family, etc.  I’m not even as terrified as going to prison as I probably should be.  the community service and classes I’ll have to take, I can get over that too.  it’s the fact that I’m dealing with this all over again, and that I might lose my job over it.  hell, I may lose my job over my rehab I’ll be doing anyway.

maybe it’s better this way.  this is the longest I’ve ever held a job.  maybe it’s time to move on.

I have a meeting in just over an hour with the rehab lady, Ms Alicia.  we’ll see what she has to say.

 

hey, for what it’s worth, I haven’t cut yet over this.  I think that’s largely due because Brian would never leave my side once he got me, lol.  but yeah, hadn’t cut yet.  I don’t expect that to last very long.  but at least this long is something.

disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.