I survived Tough Mudder!! within this hour exactly one week ago, I started a 5-mile (8.05k) job that included 13 different military grade obstacles — and I obviously survived. It was legit testing, y’all. sure, a few years back on a Zombie Run, there was a time I needed to stop and catch my breath, and I decided to just let them take my flags if they wanted; didn’t matter, I needed to breathe. but this was different. this was legit mentally and emotionally challenging. I was concerned I wasn’t going to be able to do certain obstacles, or that I would greatly injure myself in a n attempt. I questioned my very decision of being there, or having signed up for this. and then I went all existential and questioned so many other decisions in my life, including the move and the job acquisition. but I just paused, recollected myself, and moved on to the next challenge.
and I completed it. it seems like I should be more proud than I am. I don’t hang out with or talk to fitness people anymore, so no one really understand the magnitude of difficulty that is the Tough Mudder. normal adventure runs are a joke compared to this (I don’t mean to down those 5ks; I still love ’em!!). but I don’t feel proud. I’m disappointed in myself, that it was as difficult as it was for me. that I didn’t prepare better. that I didn’t perform better. I’m disappointed at how it wasn’t as amazing as it should have been (as is related to things within my power, not the organization).
I suppose that’s the pessimist in me, the cynic. the hyper-self-critical perfectionist. but I don’t know how to change that about myself. I suppose this is something I should bring up in therapy.