quitting the game, surrendering in war

I remember when I went to the mental hospital back in April 2004. I remember my mom talking about now they have no idea how to scold me (I was 17 years old then), for fear of causing me to have an attack or to cut. she was frightened to even approach me sometimes; I could see it.

Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~ Adelle DeWitt

 

and my dad? he told me that until I got out, until things got “back to normal”, everything would have to be about me.

he said it again when I started rehab. that lots of the plans and goals he had for the family and even for his own life, they were going to have to be postponed because everything was going to be about me … again.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I don’t like reaching out. I’m capable of it, but it usually leads to negative effects in the end. and I’m tired of being the cause of bad shit in people’s lives. and in my own life, in regard to depending on others.

and I
am feeling so small.
it was over my head;
I know nothing at all.
and I
will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I also remember when Brian turned it off. when he decided it was time to stop fighting against me. and honestly, truly, I don’t blame him. I long wondered why he put up with it for so long anyway.

say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I remember him being in tears, telling me that — for now — he was done. he was done with it. Brian had decided that he wasn’t going to try to discourage my drinking, because the battle was too exhausting for him; he was tired of fighting.

and I
will swallow my pride.
you’re the one
that I love,
and I’m saying goodbye.

there was a boy many years ago who stole my heart. he helped me in so many ways, and he helped me at the time create myself into who and what I wanted to be. he put me on the right path. everyone considered us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, to be dating — we were carrying out all the dating rituals, even. but it wasn’t technically “official”.

I finally found the nerve to ask him, to make it official. and he said no. my Depression was too strong for him. when I hurt, he hurt. and he was tired of hurting.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
and anywhere, I would have followed you!
say something; I’m giving up on you.

well so the fuck am I. why does everyone else get to quit, everyone else gets to run away. but for them, I have to stay and fight. I have to take on this beast alone. because when I ask for help, when I start to lean, I break them.

hell, an unnamed friend of mine who I’ve known since middle school, she occasionally comments on how she’s impressed that I haven’t broken Brian yet or at least haven’t forced him to flee — because, she points out, one or other has happened to every other guy I bot officially and unofficially dated.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
say something…

if everyone else gets to quit, I do too.

I’ve been cold with Brian the last few days, distant. it’s because I’m tired of being hurt too, I’m tired of fighting. and because of my illnesses, that’s what this is turning into — constant pain and battles.

now note, I do realise the issue isn’t with these other people, but rather with me. I recognize that I’m the broken one, that I’m the damaged one. I get that if I were actually better, I’d hurt others less, and therein they’d hurt me less. but that’s not who I am, and I’m starting to realize that’s not someone I can be. rather, I’m going to be forever Damaged.

Brian said I couldn’t quit dating him for his own good. I made a promise to that.  well, we’ll just have him break up with me for his own good.  I’ll continue to be distant from him — from everyone but this blog and possibly Twitter, honestly –, and I’ll let our relationship fall apart.  then not only will he be able to leave, but then maybe he’ll leave with less guilt — because I’ll be the one who things.  as always.

I realize this is counter to “recovery”.  but it’s apparent that it’s what needs to be done.  because I don’t want to be hurt again. and because I’m tired of fighting too.

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gravity

re·lapse
 /'rə-laps/

verb (used without object), relapsed, relapsing
 1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.
 2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery
 3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide

noun
 4. an act or instance of relapsing
 5. a return of a disease or illness after partial recovery from it

Gravity
is working against me.
and Gravity
wants to bring me down.

I started the seven-week Townsend intensive out-patient rehabilitation program on November 6th, 2014.  my last day should could have been this Friday.  but instead, it’s been extended three weeks to January 15th.  why?  because I’ve relapsed many times since I started.  for example, one relapse lasted three days.  another occurred just this weekend at the Bowl Game.

oh, I’ll never know
what makes this man,
with all the love
that his heart can stand,
dream of ways
to Throw it all away.

so Brian and I met with the counselor (yes, the same one from a previous post) about the question of extending my treatment.

“what do you think?” the counselor asked me while we were alone.

“I think I’d like to call Brian in here.”

“that’s fine.  but why?”

“because if it’s just up to me, I’d say no, that I’m done with all this.”

“done with it?  relapsing this weekend doesn’t sound like you’ve completed the program.”

I said ‘done with’, not ‘succeeded’, you dumbass, I thought.  but instead, I said nothing and simply shrugged.

oh, twice as much
ain’t twice as good
and can’t sustain
like one have could.
it’s wanting More
that’s gonna send me to
my knees.

Brian talked about wanting me to be happy, about how I should really give the program a chance and do it correctly.  all very good points.

oh, Gravity,
stay the hell away from me.
oh, Gravity,
has taken better men than me.
(how can that be?)

but I don’t know where I stand.  Brian mentioned how he truly believes I want to get Better, but he doesn’t know/understand what I exactly I perceive to be Better — sobriety, controlling my addictions, etc.

just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where, keep me where the Light is.

but honestly, I don’t even know if I want to get Better anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  depression, addiction, borderline, OCD, anxiety, eating disorder, self-injury, bipolar, so many fucking physical ailments too … I’m feeling really outnumbered in this Battle.  and the more I fight it, the more I’m realising I just don’t care if I Win anymore.  I’m ready to Surrender just to be done with it all…

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.
~ Jacques Yves Cousteau

AA: Step One

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

Alcoholics Anonymous – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

“Few indeed were those who, so assailed, had ever won through in singlehanded combat.”   ~ p22

 

Joe McQ – The Steps We Took

“When I’m trying to put something together, I may be trying to drive a tapered be into a hole wrong end first.  I keep hammering and hammering, but the thing won’t go.  I drive and force and maybe I’ll finally look at the peg and say, ‘This peg won’t go that way.’  Then I’ll turn it around.  But I can’t turn it around until I admit that I’ve been trying to do it the wrong way.”   ~ p20

“We humans are not meant to depend on our individual selves; we are meant to rely on each other.”   ~ p20

“[…] we will never be everything or know everything.  When we realize our powerlessness, we can seek a source of Power.”   ~ p22

“We’ve got to learn the value of saying ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I made a mistake’ or ‘what I’ve been trying doesn’t work.'”   ~ p23

 

Joe McQ – Carry This Message

“Bill Wilson reminds us in the Big Book that suffering alcoholics are very sick people.  We are dealing with very sick, undisciplined people.”   ~ p27

“Step 1 is the foundation of the principles.  The second Step is believing, the third Step is deciding, and Steps 4 through 11 are action.”   ~ p32

“In Step 1 we don’t really know what we are going to do next.  We just have to say, ‘What I’m doing is not working.  I give up.'”   ~ p33

 

Marya Hornbacher – Sane: Mental Illness, Addiction, and the 12 Steps

“To the practicing addict with mental illness, a life up there in the light seems almost as frightening as a life down her in her own private hell.”   ~ p2

“When I first came into the program, I found the idea of admitting defeat insane.  I already felt defeated, by my illness, by my addiction, by my entire life.”   ~ p2

“[…] we aren’t admitting powerlessness as an end in itself.”   ~ p4

“Sobriety is not something that can be found alone; we need the help and company of our fellows.”   ~ p7

“Neither mental illness nor addiction can be willed away; they both require serious action proportionate to the  seriousness of the disease.”   ~ p8

“Step One does not tell us we are failures; it shows us that the way we have been doing things has failed.”   ~ p9

 

Marya Hornbacher – Waiting

“That uncertainty may be the most painful part of not knowing a God; no one is there to reassure us that a God will take the pain and confusion away.”   ~ p6-7

“The notion that we are powerless is powerful, and for many of us painful.  We have suffered under the delusion that we were in control of our addiction for a long time, and the realization that are under its control is very hard to accept.”   ~ p7

 

What I’ve Learned

I’ve tried all sorts of things to control my Addictions — only one drink per hour, not drinking alone, no cutting when I drink, speed no more than 15 mph over the limit, call Brian before I cut, must eat at least 400 calories a day, only speed during the day, only speed during the night, can’t eat more than 2000 calories a day, drink only beer, etc.

I have addiction.  it is a disease, a mental illness just like depression or OCD.  and just like those, I can’t control it based solely on willpower.

I will start with my alcoholism, as that is the most severe; it is my MER — most effective reward, or drug of choice.  but as I work through this program, I will keep in mind everything.

I really do think I want to get better.  at least, for now.  maybe down the road, I can learn to manage it again.  but for right now, I can’t.  right now, I have become powerless against alcohol and addiction, and my life has become unmanageable.

another one

An average drunk driver has driven drunk 80 times before first arrest.

Centers for Disease Control. “Vital Signs: Alcohol-Impaired Driving Among Adults — United States, 2010.” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. October 4, 2011.

 

yep.  I got a second DUI.  this time, however, I don’t remember it at all.

 

Every day in America, another 28 people die as a result of drunk driving crashes.

National Highway Traffic Safety Administration FARS data, 2013.

I don’t know what happened.  I literally blacked out.  I had two beers, was laying on the couch watching Django.  and next thing I knew, I was waking up in a prison cell.

About one-third of all drivers arrested or convicted of drunk driving are repeat offenders.

Fell, Jim. “Repeat DWI Offenders in the United States.” Washington, DC: National Department of Transportation, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration Traffic Tech No. 85, February 1995.

I don’t drink and drive anymore.  I let others drive even if I’m having just a single glass of wine.  so I don’t know what happened.

Each day, people drive drunk almost 300,000 times, but fewer than 4,000 are arrested.

Federal Bureau of Investigation. “Crime in the United States: 2012.” http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/persons-arrested/persons-arrested.

Brian thinks it was the medicine.  the stuff I got for being a sea cucumber.  (oh wait, I never told y’all about that.  well, that’s for another time.)  anyway, he thinks it was the meds.

me?  I think it was inevitable comeuppance.

In 2012, 29.1 million people admitted to driving under the influence of alcohol – that’s more than the population of Texas.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Results from the 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Summary of National Findings, NSDUH Series H-46, HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4795. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2013.

so what am I going to do?

I suppose I’ll stop.

for now at least.

I’ll call the addiction clinic I reached out to a few months back.  I’ll talk to her.

in the meantime, I could really use another drink…..

Recent surveys indicate that non-alcoholic members of families with an alcoholic use ten times as much sick leave as families without alcoholics.  Additionally, 80% of these family members report an impaired ability to perform at work as a result of living with an alcohol abuser or alcoholic.

http://www.about-alcohol-abuse.com/Alcohol_Abuse_Statistics.html

disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.