The Irrationality of Alcoholics Anonymous

so thanks for one of the blokes who’s done the best at keeping me alive for the longest, I’ve read an AMAZING article about how AA is not the be-all-end-all cure for alcoholism. it’s rather long, so here are some quotes that are relevant to me. but really, the whole damn thing is great and worth a read.

and while reviewing my highlights, note that I’m not knocking AA. it’s a great program that has helped many people (some of whom I even know) get control of their lives again. but what gets me is that 1] it’s too religious/faoth-based, and 2] it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

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quitting the game, surrendering in war

I remember when I went to the mental hospital back in April 2004. I remember my mom talking about now they have no idea how to scold me (I was 17 years old then), for fear of causing me to have an attack or to cut. she was frightened to even approach me sometimes; I could see it.

Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~ Adelle DeWitt

 

and my dad? he told me that until I got out, until things got “back to normal”, everything would have to be about me.

he said it again when I started rehab. that lots of the plans and goals he had for the family and even for his own life, they were going to have to be postponed because everything was going to be about me … again.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I don’t like reaching out. I’m capable of it, but it usually leads to negative effects in the end. and I’m tired of being the cause of bad shit in people’s lives. and in my own life, in regard to depending on others.

and I
am feeling so small.
it was over my head;
I know nothing at all.
and I
will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I also remember when Brian turned it off. when he decided it was time to stop fighting against me. and honestly, truly, I don’t blame him. I long wondered why he put up with it for so long anyway.

say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I remember him being in tears, telling me that — for now — he was done. he was done with it. Brian had decided that he wasn’t going to try to discourage my drinking, because the battle was too exhausting for him; he was tired of fighting.

and I
will swallow my pride.
you’re the one
that I love,
and I’m saying goodbye.

there was a boy many years ago who stole my heart. he helped me in so many ways, and he helped me at the time create myself into who and what I wanted to be. he put me on the right path. everyone considered us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, to be dating — we were carrying out all the dating rituals, even. but it wasn’t technically “official”.

I finally found the nerve to ask him, to make it official. and he said no. my Depression was too strong for him. when I hurt, he hurt. and he was tired of hurting.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
and anywhere, I would have followed you!
say something; I’m giving up on you.

well so the fuck am I. why does everyone else get to quit, everyone else gets to run away. but for them, I have to stay and fight. I have to take on this beast alone. because when I ask for help, when I start to lean, I break them.

hell, an unnamed friend of mine who I’ve known since middle school, she occasionally comments on how she’s impressed that I haven’t broken Brian yet or at least haven’t forced him to flee — because, she points out, one or other has happened to every other guy I bot officially and unofficially dated.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
say something…

if everyone else gets to quit, I do too.

I’ve been cold with Brian the last few days, distant. it’s because I’m tired of being hurt too, I’m tired of fighting. and because of my illnesses, that’s what this is turning into — constant pain and battles.

now note, I do realise the issue isn’t with these other people, but rather with me. I recognize that I’m the broken one, that I’m the damaged one. I get that if I were actually better, I’d hurt others less, and therein they’d hurt me less. but that’s not who I am, and I’m starting to realize that’s not someone I can be. rather, I’m going to be forever Damaged.

Brian said I couldn’t quit dating him for his own good. I made a promise to that.  well, we’ll just have him break up with me for his own good.  I’ll continue to be distant from him — from everyone but this blog and possibly Twitter, honestly –, and I’ll let our relationship fall apart.  then not only will he be able to leave, but then maybe he’ll leave with less guilt — because I’ll be the one who things.  as always.

I realize this is counter to “recovery”.  but it’s apparent that it’s what needs to be done.  because I don’t want to be hurt again. and because I’m tired of fighting too.

chat with a friend

I was talking with one of my buddies from high school.  we keep in touch well.  he kept me alive back in those days, and he keeps me going these days.

anyway,  he was asking about how I was doing.  prior to this morning, last we talked was first week of November.  back when things were still really bad — as in I was drinking more often than I wasn’t.  he and I actually spoke just days after my arrest.

so here’s the convo.  it was good to be honest with someone about the advancements I’ve made in the last six days or so.

friend
Hey
How’s it going?

moi
s’aight, I suppose.
rehab is getting old.

friend
I’m sure

moi
I’ve been sober since Friday night, though.
I relapsed big time because of Thanksgiving. the food anxiety got the best of me.

friend
so other than the relapse, are things going well?
you should be close to finished with rehab right?

moi
I’m half-way through the seven weeks. but because of the many relapses, they’re probably going to keep me longer.
things are … well, they are.
due to several conversations last week, I’m actually determined to stop drinking. for a while, at least. even after I get out of rehab, I think.
however, that’s if I stay alive long enough.
I’m tired every day, and I’m having suicidal thoughts again.
no plans yet.
just … ideations.
more than usual, and with stronger.

friend
That’s tough
not drinking would be good
but i know that isn’t easy

moi
yeah.
well, drinking used to make me blind to how much I didn’t want to be alive.
now that I’m spending time more awake and coherent, it’s hurting all over again.
I’m also having to face the stupid and sometimes wrongful things I did while drinking and/or drunk. no more ignoring it, ya know?

friend
yeah
but there isn’t anything you can do about the past
and I get ignoring it will always be easier

moi
yeah, I know.

friend
Has rehab been helpful?

moi
only in the last week.
prior to that, I wasn’t letting it help me, ya know?

friend
Yup
And are you feeling more motivated now?

moi
yeah.

friend
That’s a start

moi
I realised that I can’t drink moderately at this point in my life. so until I sort that out, I can’t drink at all. I’m not saying I’ll stay sober for the rest of my life. but for the current time period, I’m abstaining.
I’m not “stopping” drinking, I’m just taking a break.
that break may be a month, a year, three decades, no clue. but if I look at it that way, I can approach it more easily and probably more successfully.
it’s a mere mind trick, I know.
but it’s worked the past few days.

friend
Yeah it is
But it works

moi
I mean, since Friday after Thanksgiving, I was getting trashed almost every night.

friend
The fact that you’ve changed your mindset is big

moi
but once I came to this “temporary” approach, I’ve stayed sober.
yeah, I agree.

friend
You gotta take things one day at a time.
I’m sure you’ve been told that plenty
But its totally true
Just get through one day.

 

I mean, the Thanksgiving relapse was bad. I was drinking before I was going to my rehab meetings even. what. the righteous. fuck.

so I don’t know where I’m at now. I mean, I want to stop drinking. for a small time at least.

but I want to die.  I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.  I don’t want to face my Monsters and Demons, my past and my flaws and my mistakes.  I don’t want to make amends, and I don’t want to keep fighting.

Brian tells me often that he doesn’t know of anyone who works as hard as I do to get and be Better — whether health, drinking, school, job, hobbies, with family, etc.  and that’s flattering and all.  but I’m fucking sick of trying.  why can’t I just fuck away my life like so many others?  why can’t I just be happy with being fat or weak or poor or insufficient or mediocre?  why do I always have to fucking try to be Better?  it’s getting fucking exhausting.

another one

An average drunk driver has driven drunk 80 times before first arrest.

Centers for Disease Control. “Vital Signs: Alcohol-Impaired Driving Among Adults — United States, 2010.” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. October 4, 2011.

 

yep.  I got a second DUI.  this time, however, I don’t remember it at all.

 

Every day in America, another 28 people die as a result of drunk driving crashes.

National Highway Traffic Safety Administration FARS data, 2013.

I don’t know what happened.  I literally blacked out.  I had two beers, was laying on the couch watching Django.  and next thing I knew, I was waking up in a prison cell.

About one-third of all drivers arrested or convicted of drunk driving are repeat offenders.

Fell, Jim. “Repeat DWI Offenders in the United States.” Washington, DC: National Department of Transportation, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration Traffic Tech No. 85, February 1995.

I don’t drink and drive anymore.  I let others drive even if I’m having just a single glass of wine.  so I don’t know what happened.

Each day, people drive drunk almost 300,000 times, but fewer than 4,000 are arrested.

Federal Bureau of Investigation. “Crime in the United States: 2012.” http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/persons-arrested/persons-arrested.

Brian thinks it was the medicine.  the stuff I got for being a sea cucumber.  (oh wait, I never told y’all about that.  well, that’s for another time.)  anyway, he thinks it was the meds.

me?  I think it was inevitable comeuppance.

In 2012, 29.1 million people admitted to driving under the influence of alcohol – that’s more than the population of Texas.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Results from the 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Summary of National Findings, NSDUH Series H-46, HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4795. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2013.

so what am I going to do?

I suppose I’ll stop.

for now at least.

I’ll call the addiction clinic I reached out to a few months back.  I’ll talk to her.

in the meantime, I could really use another drink…..

Recent surveys indicate that non-alcoholic members of families with an alcoholic use ten times as much sick leave as families without alcoholics.  Additionally, 80% of these family members report an impaired ability to perform at work as a result of living with an alcohol abuser or alcoholic.

http://www.about-alcohol-abuse.com/Alcohol_Abuse_Statistics.html

disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.