still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.  they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.  chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.  and yes, that’s different.  Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.  my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.  sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.  I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?  and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.  so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins or such then…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.  I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.  I’ll be collecting addresses there too.  but in the meantime, we’re:  Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466  😉

that’s all for now.  maybe something more informative later…..

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work nigh resulted in self-injury

I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.

but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.

as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….

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medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

sleepless nights

it’s too late — or is it too early?– for me to be up like this. I’m too tired too properly function and accomplish anything, but I’m too awake and anxious to fall back asleep.  and no matter my energy level, I’m too depressed to be able to focus on anything other than my inadaquecies and self-hatred.

maybe I’ll go soak and read a kid’s book or watch a light movie. whatever I do, lying in bed awake for several more hours is condusive to neither rest nor productivity.

“My Anxious Heart”

Louisiana photographer Katie Crawford is familiar with the Anxiety Dance.  for her thesis exhibition, she created, My Anxious Heart, a series of photos that represent these struggles.

my favourites are below. you can read an article and interview about the project, or you can just visit her personal website.

UPDATE: oh look, she has a WordPress. 😀

a2z: Adrenaline

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Adrenaline

 

I’m an adrenaline junkie, hardcore.  I love speed, heights, danger, fear, excitement, power, shocks, et cetera.  if my heart’s not pounding, I’m probably slightly to heavily bored.

I think this is one reason I’m always getting myself into so much trouble.  not just in the area of “seeking out risky situations” or “carrying out risky behaviours” as many works will attribute to a person’s being bipolar.  rather, it keeps me stressed and tense too.

I have a day off of work.  well obviously instead of resting, I should fill it with something exciting.
I have a new project to start working on?  I’ll dive right into it until it becomes too easy; then I’ll stop and wait until the last minute so that I have to dramatically push through it quickly.

and I’m serious about being passionate about these things.  for example, anyone who knows me IRL is aware of just how insanely fucked up my nerves are.  I jump and am startled by the slightest thing.  I’ll be just typing on my computer, not even with headphones on; my friends enters the office behind me and when he starts to speak, I freak the fuck out.  yet I will seek out the most intense and frightening horror flicks I can find, and I’ll go to as many scare trails as I can during the Halloween season.

I always have the top bunk.  I’ve got to ride the tallest and most topsy-turvy ride at every amusement park.  the higher the floor of an office or hotel, the better.  can I reach the roof of a building? I don’t know, but I’m gonna at least try my damnedest.

75 mph is so slow.  I’ve topped 115 in my vehicle before.  speeding downhill on a bicycle is both exhilarating and freeing.  I’m impatient and impulsive.  let’s do it now, not later.  let’s do it fast, not slow.  let’s be intense, not mild.

but that means that when things are slow, calm, low, or sedentary, I lose my shit.  I get bored.  and I don’t deal with boredom well.  after a while, the boredom leads to anxiousness.  and the anxiousness increases and inbreeds and I turn into a psycho freaked out monster.  then even a high fix won’t help.  I just break; I fritz out.

it means that I struggle to appreciate quiet beauty.  lying with bed with Brian just cuddling — I wonder why we’re not playing a video game or at least reading.  I can’t sit still an wait on a bus, enjoying the gorgeous weather; instead I’m pacing and anxious because I have nothing with which to occupy my dangerous mind.

and I think that’s where much of it comes from: my untethered Mind.  when my Body gets quiet, my Mind gets loud.  and then I can’t function properly.  I start over-thinking and -analyzing.  I start freaking myself out over all sorts of horrible things.  depending on the phase of my bipolar and on other factors, I can go in many directions.  depressed — I focus on how much of a fuckup I am.  manic — I start to hallucinate further and have grand ideas, sometimes even carrying them out.  if my to-do list and schedule are clear, I spaz because obviously I’ve forgotten about some very important event or task or obligation and am neglecting it.  or if my plate is full and I’m not busy working to clear it off, I get overwhelmed and panic.

when I’m not in High Gear, my treacherous Mind self-annihilates.  and then I just break completely.

 

Adrenaline

an update

I think my last real and personal update was from back at the beginning of March.  since then, it’s been reblogging, sharing articles, or just general whining.  so I suppose it’s time for another recap.  I’ll try to keep this one short.  (ha!)

 

legally

my previous court date was March 18th.  three movements were approved: make S my lawyer, be given all of the prosecutor’s evidence against me, and push my sentencing date back until sometime in May.  so we have until May 6th to make a case for myself.  S is optimistic; Brian is realistic; and I am ever the pessimist.  (actually, the neurologist (details later) commented on how I was even more pessimistic than he was about something, and he’s apparently the most pessimistic person his lot knows, lol.  I’ll keep my Prince of Pessimism crown, thank you.)

my payment for S’s assistance is not monetary.  rather, he’s using my librarian and research skills to help him scour the earth for ancient archives about waterfowl in southern Louisiana.  ugh.  I made a lot of progress Tuesday, but there’s still countless shits to be done.  some of this is going to require a two hour drive to [redacted] to look through their newspaper’s physical archives — and my “physical archives”, I mean they just took print copies of their issues and put them in binders then stuck them on shelves.  O_O  the newspaper’s editors, owners, and publishers are all a single married couple.  then there’s two people who help write, and one person who created their website.  I’d totally post the link and all, but I need to not piss them off before I can get information from them, lol!!  (I really am a bad person.  :/ )

 

neurologist appointment

I saw the neurologist this past Monday.  apparently the seizure a few weeks ago and the stroke about a decade ago were actually fits that occurred because I have convulsive syncope.  wut?  so I did some research.  however, everything that came up in my initial quick search is either also like “IDK” or is too technical for me to comprehend.  so I’ll do a more thorough investigation later (such as my school’s databases and the like).  I may also contact the office again and ask for public or academic sources so I can gleam more information.

anyway, the EEG they did showed it’s nothing too major.  staying on anti-epileptic medication should fend it off.  and if I get have to get off the meds, I need to taper off more slowly than otherwise, just in case.  he said I may have another fit in a decade or two, but it’s nothing too terrible.  O_o

additionally, he noted that women in their teens to early twenties and old people are usually those who suffer, so I’m kinda an oddball here.  my mom (who was with me) and I just shrugged, “par for the course”.


library changes

due to employment rules and bullshit, I can’t say too much.  but things are really changing at the library.  the chain of command above my boss have been remodeled — to the point that we’re not really sure what’s going on.  my supervisor’s boss is emailing us about projects and stuff.  not wanting to go over my supervisor’s head, we peons are hesitant to engage the new boss; however, we also don’t want to seem aloof or incompetent to someone who has more power.  yay office politics!

secondly, on top of all this, we were supposed to be getting rid of Joule.  backstory: Joule, a child of Moodle, is an online software that allows instructors and students to interact, exchange files, take and grade tests, communicate via messages and forums, submit and grade homework, input and review grades, etc.  why the library is in charge, who the fuck knows?  we are not connected to the instructors nor to IT.  this should be one of their babies, not ours.  but whatever, we’ve been dealing with Joule forever now.

well, the contract with Joule is ending, and the school is going to be picking up Canvas, a similar software hosted by a different company.  we were thankful to be done with that monster (as there really needs to be a person whose sole job is Joule, rather than making it one of the many responsibilities of a person in a random different department).  but now, with boss’s boss coming in (he was originally just over IT, but recently picked us up too), he wants us to take over Canvas, plus all the other projects he wants us to do.

did I mention, by the way, one of our librarians was fired last month.  so we’ll be doing all this with fewer personnel too.  D:

 

Properties Control Technician

 however, none of this may apply to me in the near future.  again, I can’t say much, but I may get getting an interview for the school’s Properties Control Technician position.  basically, this position keeps track of and regulate all of the property that SLCC currently has as well as records and distribute those that are incoming.  the person is pretty involved with Accounting, but also dabbles in the business of basically everywhere else.  purchasing, receipts, vouchers, shipment, etc.

I have this experience on a smaller scale with multiple companies.  but I also was doing it alone, so I had to self-train and create my own system.  my only concern is that it involves traveling to other campuses — and I no longer have a valid license.  I know the Properties Control Manager; when he mentioned trying to get me an interview for this Friday, I was honest about the lack of driving ability (he already knew about the pending DUI charges).  paraphrasing, he said, “I do most of the traveling.  so if you do get hired, we’d figure something out.”  O_o

another caveat is that the guy who had this position before — he’s a good friend of mine.  he’s somewhat of an emotional an illogical bloke, so it crossed my mind that he may be angry or offended if I get the job from which he was fired less than two months ago.  but then again, I’m a bitch, I’m in serious debt, and I’m not emotional (in that sense), so fuck it, lol.

oh, and did I mention this: $31,000 salary?!  :DDDDDDDDD

 

Brian’s jobs

 Brian’s been as diligent as his ADD ass can be about applying for jobs.  simultaneously, he’s been taking a lot of substituting, tutoring, and proctoring jobs during the day.  he subbed for two weeks at a middle school; he proctored the LEAP test for elementary kids last week; and he tutors for about two hours every Sunday.

this Friday (holy shit, that’s tomorrow), he’ll be trekking out to Houston for some kind of job fair.

there’s also some company he applied to for something-something-Math-something.  apparently they’re looking for technical writers too; he sent me the link.  I’ve been told by several people that I should pursue technical writing, so I will at least look into it.  ::shrugs::

 

electronics

for a while now (like, maybe two weeks?), my cell phone would not accept calls.  a recording would come on to the caller saying that I wasn’t accepting calls and fuck you.  (paraphrasing, of course.)  so I spent two hours yesterday morning on the internet, on my cell, on my work phone talking to customer service, talking to Mum, and talking to Dad, trying to sort this fucking shit out.  AND SUCCESS!!  I CAN RECEIVE CALLS AGAIN!  however, said cell phone still has a battery life of only two hours.  so that’s on the to-do list now.  but hey, like I said, at least I can receive calls and voice mails.  (that’s right; people couldn’t even leave a fucking voice mail previously.)

I got two buddies of mine helping me amp up my PC.  I’ve got some great games on Steam that I can’t play, and it’s causing me distress.  details undecided, so updates pending.

 

bad habits + (hypo)manias

I’ve been good about the not drinking.  it’s still hard, as it’s my coping mechanism.  and not being on any goddamn antidepressants or anxiety meds, it’s making emotional/mental and stress management nigh impossible.  there have been days wherein I just go to bed at 7pm or so in attempts to no exist; often that works.  but other days, I’m too anxious to really be able to do that.  I typically trudge through the evening in those cases.  though on the rare occasion, I break down and have a few beers.

the cutting.  it’s legitimately returned.  it’s no longer a tease, a possibility.  it’s now a realistic option.  I haven’t gotten out of hand or terribly irresponsible with it.  however, bandages and scar tape are no longer under the sink, but now remain on top of the counter due to easy access for frequent usage.

I’m noticing other manic symptoms returning.  though my auditory hallucinations aren’t terrible yet, I believe they are returning.  as usually, it starts with just buzzing, beeping, screeching, or talking.  later it evolves.  I honestly do not typically get concerned until the next phase; rather, right now, I just observe.

but the counting, the washing, the cleaning, the arranging — all of my OCD tendencies are heightened.  I’m washing my hands unnecessarily.  I use hand sanitizer, wash my hands, then sanitize again in single session.  I’m counting things whose amounts I need not know.  I’m lining up and rearranging office supplies and furniture, both at home and at work.

and the patience.  I have none.  I want to stab Brian in his fucking eyeball with a rusty spoon everytime he flubs up, even just a little.  when Sean says something in passing that I can’t hear, I want to scream at him “STOP FUCKING MUTTERING!”  when a student asks a question, I’m fine; but when they disregard or criticize my solution or when the same person re-asks the fucking question, it’s all I can do to not kick them in the shin and then put their fingers in our paper cutter.

Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things.  I call this emotion “crying” and not “sadness” because that’s all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying.  My brain had partially learned how to be sad again, but it took the feeling out for a joy ride before it had learned how to use the brakes or steer.
~ Hyperbole and a Half

eventually, everything attempts to bring me to tears, even if I don’t actually really care.  a commercial, food, a comment, I just breakdown.  I think it’s just an overwhelming amount of emotions — stress, anger, sadness, mania, irritation, hopefulness, love, etc. — that are trying to get out, and fucking tears are the only way they can manage to get around my barriers.  Sean himself said something to the effect of how I don’t let myself feel things.  he’s all too accurate; and anyone who’s really known me for any length of time understands I’ve been like from the start, and I’ll probably always remain this way.