fuck social anxiety

this weekend was really hard for me.  almost left the grocery store because a panic attack was nigh — twice.  however, I threw in headphones and just checked out while Brian did most of the work; so I was able to endure.

then, I skipped a Halloween party Sat I really want to go to. I also didn’t go to the first meeting of my apartment complex’s new book club on Sun.

so like, I really did not exist this weekend, save D&D — which I honestly only barely made it through. I was really catty at the beginning until I could get out of my head. then I came around some.

it’s just so hard sometimes — people are exhausting, loud, encroaching, and overwhelming.

still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.  they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.  chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.  and yes, that’s different.  Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.  my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.  sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.  I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?  and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.  so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins or such then…


in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.  I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.  I’ll be collecting addresses there too.  but in the meantime, we’re:  Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466  😉

that’s all for now.  maybe something more informative later…..

work nigh resulted in self-injury

I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.

but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.

as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….

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medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

sleepless nights

it’s too late — or is it too early?– for me to be up like this. I’m too tired too properly function and accomplish anything, but I’m too awake and anxious to fall back asleep.  and no matter my energy level, I’m too depressed to be able to focus on anything other than my inadaquecies and self-hatred.

maybe I’ll go soak and read a kid’s book or watch a light movie. whatever I do, lying in bed awake for several more hours is condusive to neither rest nor productivity.

“My Anxious Heart”

Louisiana photographer Katie Crawford is familiar with the Anxiety Dance.  for her thesis exhibition, she created, My Anxious Heart, a series of photos that represent these struggles.

my favourites are below. you can read an article and interview about the project, or you can just visit her personal website.

UPDATE: oh look, she has a WordPress. 😀

a2z: Adrenaline

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:


I’m an adrenaline junkie, hardcore.  I love speed, heights, danger, fear, excitement, power, shocks, et cetera.  if my heart’s not pounding, I’m probably slightly to heavily bored.

I think this is one reason I’m always getting myself into so much trouble.  not just in the area of “seeking out risky situations” or “carrying out risky behaviours” as many works will attribute to a person’s being bipolar.  rather, it keeps me stressed and tense too.

I have a day off of work.  well obviously instead of resting, I should fill it with something exciting.
I have a new project to start working on?  I’ll dive right into it until it becomes too easy; then I’ll stop and wait until the last minute so that I have to dramatically push through it quickly.

and I’m serious about being passionate about these things.  for example, anyone who knows me IRL is aware of just how insanely fucked up my nerves are.  I jump and am startled by the slightest thing.  I’ll be just typing on my computer, not even with headphones on; my friends enters the office behind me and when he starts to speak, I freak the fuck out.  yet I will seek out the most intense and frightening horror flicks I can find, and I’ll go to as many scare trails as I can during the Halloween season.

I always have the top bunk.  I’ve got to ride the tallest and most topsy-turvy ride at every amusement park.  the higher the floor of an office or hotel, the better.  can I reach the roof of a building? I don’t know, but I’m gonna at least try my damnedest.

75 mph is so slow.  I’ve topped 115 in my vehicle before.  speeding downhill on a bicycle is both exhilarating and freeing.  I’m impatient and impulsive.  let’s do it now, not later.  let’s do it fast, not slow.  let’s be intense, not mild.

but that means that when things are slow, calm, low, or sedentary, I lose my shit.  I get bored.  and I don’t deal with boredom well.  after a while, the boredom leads to anxiousness.  and the anxiousness increases and inbreeds and I turn into a psycho freaked out monster.  then even a high fix won’t help.  I just break; I fritz out.

it means that I struggle to appreciate quiet beauty.  lying with bed with Brian just cuddling — I wonder why we’re not playing a video game or at least reading.  I can’t sit still an wait on a bus, enjoying the gorgeous weather; instead I’m pacing and anxious because I have nothing with which to occupy my dangerous mind.

and I think that’s where much of it comes from: my untethered Mind.  when my Body gets quiet, my Mind gets loud.  and then I can’t function properly.  I start over-thinking and -analyzing.  I start freaking myself out over all sorts of horrible things.  depending on the phase of my bipolar and on other factors, I can go in many directions.  depressed — I focus on how much of a fuckup I am.  manic — I start to hallucinate further and have grand ideas, sometimes even carrying them out.  if my to-do list and schedule are clear, I spaz because obviously I’ve forgotten about some very important event or task or obligation and am neglecting it.  or if my plate is full and I’m not busy working to clear it off, I get overwhelmed and panic.

when I’m not in High Gear, my treacherous Mind self-annihilates.  and then I just break completely.