happy birthday to me

it’s here. happy birthday to me, I suppose. I survived another year of living with myself, of beating myself up and despising who I am and what I haven’t accomplished.

a friend has to postpone birthday hangouts last night. instead, a different friend came over last night and gave me a few gifts. I skipped the gym this morning. I have had a few wishes her at work; I’ve received a few texts from my Louisiana folk too. then there’s an unrelated work hangout this afternoon. in the evening, I’m going to Noodles and Company with a third friend; he will probably pay, knowing him. then tonight I’ll cry myself to sleep. Saturday, Brian will take me to dinner and to see Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. at some point, I know I’ll get a gift from another friend who always sends something.


I wanted to cry when I woke up this morning. I really hoped that my gift from The-Powers-That-Be would be my not waking up finally. alas.

my sleeping issues have returned. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I mentioned to Brian about going back to a sleep specialist, and he agreed that it was a good idea.

my depression is worse, too; but that typically happens around my birthday.

I haven’t been to therapy in several months. she had a health issue that kept her out of work. she wants to meet Sep 2. I liked what work we were doing when we were actually doing it. but her constantly cancelling and rescheduling appointments was a real pain, and I had decided that I wouldn’t go back. but now, with the state I’m in, maybe I should. for now, at least. …man, I dunno.

I got a UTI last week. haven’t been back to my kickboxing since then. I know that’s not helping my mood any. I also ran out of my fibro and my axiety meds two weeks ago. so that’s taking a toll.


overall things should be great for me. but I’m crazy, and things are not good in my Mind.

so yeah. happy birthday to me.

another year

I will have been alive for 30 years as of tomorrow.  the current average life expectancy for both males and females is about 78 years.  I like to be liberal and take off a few years due to my general stupidity and possibly brain damage via concussions, lol.  but even so, even if we say 70 years, I’m more than halfway through my life.  this is comforting in the fact that this shit is probably at least half over.

but this is depressing, as I’m at halfway through and still have no clue what the hell I’m doing.  sure, no one ever really “gets” Life or masters it.  but I don’t rightly care.  I’m not comparing myself to them; I’m comparing myself to me.  and I’m no better now than I was few years ago; in fact, I think I’m worse than I was ten years ago.  at least during my college years I was still in school and learning; I had a semblance of a purpose.

but now, I don’t even had a sail or a rudder, much less a plan.

I want that to end.  I’ve been making very big, positive steps to get Better —   mentally/emotionally: I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist; I’m going to group therapy; I’m taking my medication regularly.  physically: I’m working out regularly again; I’m on great meds for my pain and sleep; I’m drinking much less, and have cut out the harder drinks.  professionally: I’m doing mediocre at job hunting; I’m taking steps to getting my car and license back; I’ve doing well about getting back onto the SNAP program; I’m spending less money in general.  et cetera, et cetera.  hell, amid all this, I even got back on the Nerd Fitness forums (which often helped me a lot).

I’m just scared of the inevitable Down again.  it seems like my Downswings are always more stark than my Ups.  that leads to a general decline, which is not cool.

anyway, I want to see about stopping this.  I want to start having a better approach to life, a better view of what’s going on now and what’s to come.  this means making both short-term and long-term plans and goals.

most people do annual reviews during December and January.  my birthday is right at the end of summer; it’s not an arbitrary date for me, so I’ll adopt it for my transition period.  so in the next post or two, I’ll put up what I hope to be the start of my annual “Annual Review”.  ::crosses fingers hopefully::

but back to my birthday.  I don’t really know what Brian’s going to do.  he already gave me one gift — plastic goggles (for when I’m chopping onions, cleaning with bleach, or changing the cat litter).  he knows I like useful gifts, so yeah.  I’m pretty sure I know the other thing he’s getting me (no spoilers).  we talked about cooking a fancy dinner together, then dressing up and eating the dinner at the kitchen table — save money, instead of going out to eat.  I have a feeling that’s going to be a disaster.  maybe I’m being pessimistic because we had a tiff last night that wasn’t resolved, so I slept on the couch; of course, he awoke butt-hurted this morning because I never came to bed.  so we’re at odds right now.

I just feel so alone up here.  so I feel like I want to celebrate my birthday alone.  I want to spend a day or two being INCREDIBLY PRODUCTIVE, and just call that my gift to myself, The End.  but we’ll see what he decides tonight….


November 2013

(approximately) six years ago today, a not-so-tiny ragdoll beneath the house of a friend living near me in Abbeville, Louisiana, USA. it was shortly after Hurricanes Gustav and Ike. she knew I had been wanting a cat. and he appeared.

he was nervous, frightened, and defensive. but then I held him. and immediately, he calmed. he began purring. and I knew I had found my child.

May 2009

it’s been a long six years for me. numerous moves, two different boyfriends, jail time and a DUI, several hospital visits, many jobs, and an uncountable amount of medication and doctor bills. I’ve considered suicide a few times over the years. I’ve considered uprooting and just driving away to nowhere.

Janurary 2009

but he prevents that. I couldn’t leave him. and I have to support him. I have to provide for him. I can’t properly love him if I’m not alive.

he’s been through a lot with me. emotional and physical abuse, drunken nights of stupor, a really bad break up, despair, depression, manias, panic attacks, restless nights, sleepy days, anhedonia, addictions, self-injury, tears, starvation.

September 2009

but he’s also been there when I’m laughing, when I’m cuddling with him, throwing him in the air, giving him tuna, showing him off to friends, taking photos and videos of him, people asking about visiting him. his purrs, his shedding, even his hairballs — they all keep me going.

I know plenty of people who tell me having a cat is nothing like having a human child. I don’t really care. because Zero is sufficient. Zero is perfect. and Zero is my baby, my reason for waking up every morning.