in Brian’s car on my cell, so pardon text speach and typos.
Xmas at Bri’s dad’s house last night. dad is federal judge, so rich, intelligent, and high class. all day long, I was doing great at pushing Bri away. many gifts to others invloved alcohol-related items. all but Bri and I were drinking alch. his gram even smokes cigs. his bro’s girlfriend got very tipsy.
I was completely sober — and miserable. always feel out of place there. then w DUI 2 out there and in their knowledgen I just felt like a big bag of fuck ups, shame, and poverish trash.
I lived on my cell, frequenting my two Twitter accounts and chatting w my ana buddies on kik. I’d occasionally reach out to a Recovering peer; but many were either busy w fam and didn’t answer, or simply replied with comments like “stay strong”, “pray on it”, or “it will all be okay”. and again, I didn’t even have Brian With me.
aforementioned girlfriend was actually my biggest and harshest bully in elementary school. and now she super successful and following lawyer path (much to talk about w Bri dad), owns lostts dogs (Bri stepmom raises and trains show dogs), and went to LSU (as did Bri gram). the girl is still very pretty, intelligent, well off, and presentable. is ideal for this family. all along way, she continues to impress and better engage with everyone.
by the end, I was d-o-n-e. once got home, I basically told Brian to leave me the fuck alone, hid away in the bathroom with bandages and a blade, and bawled for hours. (mind you never cut or drank.) in between sobs and fits, worked on my Plan on my cell.
eventually he came to check on me. vulnerable and hopeless, I opened up — told him about closing him out and the Plan.
after we made peace w one another, made new plan: call counselors Xmas morn, look up mental facilities, etc. I promised to survive until at least weekend; he finally gets me out bathroom.
in less than seven minutes, he does one more thing accidentally pissing me off. I lose it and hide in bathroom again. we talk, make additional peace, go to bed.
I can’t write too deeply on this for fear of breaking down in car. maybe and expound later. but was one of my more terrible fits; def one of longest and most hopeless. after Bri last offensen was ready to nix self immediately (but had already put blade upn so couldn’t).
Xmas morn, call counselor (not the dickhead; a diff one). but she doesn’t answer. I fret, totally suicidal again. Bri try-ish to calm me. I offer to call head counselor. he likes plan, so I do. she answer and ask what up. I lose nerve and hand phone to Bri. Brian tries to tiptoe about why we call. she evntually asks to talk to me directly. (all while she on speakerphone.) she notnunderstanding severity of situation and me still distraught and para-suicidal, I blurt it all out. she tells me get evalv from hospital immediately. I said will so after all holidays. much back and forth between she and I about what to do and how soon.
after much pleading on both sides, compromise that I check in with her every two hours and do reasearch on favcilities Fri. I bring work sched (so she can figure when I can make more AA/NA Meetings) and facilities research for 4:30 Fri Group.; I also supposed to try make Meeting Fri morn. wtf, but whatever.
so been checking in every two hours.
meanwhile, my fam Xmas this morn was great!! no fightsn great haul, awesome food, wondeful comradery, lots ofnfun and laughs and love. made me sad that I may yet still kill self in 3.5 weeks.
moreover, when told Dad about 3-week extension (tho said to finalize meds, not bc relapse), he was cool about. even offered to loan money again.
honestly, was *too* perfect. was storybook ending to life. my Higher Power is the Story, and this was perfect alignment w a Conclusion. (tho counterpoint is also great setup for Improves Life Plotline.)
(still need to write up explanation of the Story and Writers later.)
anyway. then Xmas evening w Bri mom fam. good at first. but none on that side can make fucking decision!! all so flipflop and wishywash. could not devide between who sat where, what food plave order from, who picks it up, whose meal was whose, who hands out gifts, what game to play, who scores, what game rules are, etc. love his mom to death, really do. but dammit, doing anything requiring organization w her stresses me out. know this well bc lived w her for about a year a bit ago.
oh. more on that. Bri and I live Lafayette, LA. his mom Baton Rougen about 1.5 hrs away and trip includes a 14mi bridge over swampland. first, bro Adam had own ride as self from Laf-BR. then was gonna ride w us. somehow mom and Adam still in Lft when we ready to meet them in BR. I meantion Xmas in Lft since all gifts and people already in city. mom not want drive in dark bc one headlight out, so we have to wait for her to drive Adam to BR, then we en route. apparently Adam getting ride BR-Lft w us. so now have to clean backseat out before we leave. BAH.
anyway, mom side of fam had lots of sweets and fast food. that plus having four energy drinks made for irritable tummy. then with so many ppl in such small space (tiny cluttered house w many large-framed ppl), amxiety started in. add on tired, dopamine all fucked, exhausted, tummy hurt, wanting to nap, etc.– I fell into phone again.
felt bad when finally staryed game and I was in phone. but everytime tried to understand scoring or participate in rules discussion, got overtalked and felt overwhemled and end up neared tears.
hrs later, after a checkin, counselor replied back asking how doing. honest: “still in BR. anxious, exhausted, and totally ready to get up and build a blanket fort.” counselor ask id we can head home. I show Bri whole text exchange. he agree at end of current game; tell same head counselor so. she ask if I can talk to Bri and leave immediately. I tell her he knows bc read convo. she conceedes. shortly after, game end and we say goodbyes. I tell her so; she pleased.
goodbye saidn load up car, Bri drive, me passenger, Adam behind me. I hide in headphones and begin typing this. Bri and Adam talk –loudly. whatever; plan to sleep w music on.
about 10m into car ride home, my phone rings. is Bri mom. asks if Adam has his phone, bc did not answer. ask him. says does. relay msg. then she says Basin (that 14mi bridge w no alternate ways off) is closed at one point.
she tries to talk to me about alternate routes while she also talking to loveable-but-looney sister next to her back in BR, Bri to my left asking questions, Adam behind doing similar and offering other alternate routes, and I who have NO familiarity with area trying to relay all these instructions and requests between everyone. evetually, I start cracking.
“Adam, do you have an alternate route in mind”, I interrupt everyone.
“yeah, on my phonevs gps. but it will add 45m to the drive.” I think fuck itn bc I cant handle this any longer.
I tell mom we have plan and will let her know when back it back in Lft. she okay. hang up. apologise to Adam for my nerves; he so mellow always, so was cool about it.
Bri gets out to gas up while Adam discern route. mom apparently call Adam and they talk. I have miagraine at this point and want to strangle everyone. Bri gets in and loudly asking wuestions to me and Adam while latter still on phone.
I. am losing. my shit. afyer Adam off phone, I offer Adam my passenger seat to have Navigator in front. no answer. not sure if didnt hear, dont care, or ignore me. personally, no fucks any longer given. I run away into headphones.
currently still over 30m from dropping Adam to his car at gf parent house (he and gf live in Texas). then have to get home ourselves. bah! all this while, hyper excited Bri being ALL OF THE FUCKS LOUD RIGHT BESIDE ME. music on full and he still over it. and he cackles sharply and squacks, and making my head worse.
am jst thanking Lord, Jesus, Holy Ghost, Budha, and all pagan gods that is mot a 3- or 5-hr drive. fffff. SOMEONE WOULD BE MURDERES BY END OF IT.
so I *suppose* survived Xmas. and suppose everyone else in Story does too. but holy fuck, came reeeeeeeeeally close several times. like srsly.
will try to keep updates about rehab and mental hospital and DUI2, also about letting Bri back into life.
also have numerous comments and updates from ppl on both journals and blog. promise is on todo list.
but in meantime, when I get home, FUCK ALL THE WORLD I WANT A HOT BATH W RELAXING MUSIC THEN BED.