Christmas Cards!!

or Holiday Cards. or however the hell you call them. my cards, and I like alliteration — CHRISTMAS CARDS!!

go here and simply fill in your info, and you’ll (eventually) get a (belated) Christmas card.

let’s keep the USPS (and your own country’s too!) in business! XD

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still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.  they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.  chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.  and yes, that’s different.  Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.  my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.  sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.  I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?  and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.  so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins or such then…

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in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.  I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.  I’ll be collecting addresses there too.  but in the meantime, we’re:  Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466  😉

that’s all for now.  maybe something more informative later…..

obligatory pre-holiday post

holidays are hard for many people, even the not Crazy ones.  but we Nutters, it’s usually worse.  many of us survive because of patterns and systems we’ve created and adapted that ensure we take our medications, see our doctors, refrain from stabbing people, etc.  holidays defenestrate* all sense of stability.  also, you’re around your family a lot.  and Crazy is very genetic.  so you’re then combining Crazies, Nutters, Batshitters, and all other types of insanity.

here’s the plans for my personal holiday experiences:  Brian, Zero, and I fly out of Minnesota Friday afternoon.  (yes, Zero is flying with us.  we’re doping him up, first.)  Friday night, his dad’s side of the family will be picking us up from the airport.  at some point, my father will collect Zero, the latter staying at my parents’ the whole time.  Friday and Saturday nights, Brian and I will sleep at his dad’s in the spare bedroom; Sunday and Monday nights, we’ll be at my parents’ on their fold-out couch in the living room.  Saturday is Christmas with his dad’s side of the family; Sunday, it’s with his mother’s.  Monday morning is Christmas with my family; Monday night, a select few friends are invited to a shindig.  then we dope up Zero again in the wee hours of Tuesday morning while my parents take us back to the airport.  Wednesday, I took off work as well, to recoup.

so.  it’s going to be a busy few days for us.  so how do I plan on minimizing the stabbing of loved ones and “other” ones?  as follows:

  1. continue taking my medications as per their schedule: morning, as soon as I wake; afternoon, when I have lunch; night, a few hours before bed.
  2. if I feel my Crazies setting in or my Anxiety about to go off, Brian and I will go take a walk outside.
  3. I have permission to leave a situation that makes me uncomfortable or unhappy, even if it involves my family.
  4. I don’t have to pretend to be somebody I’m not — Brian’s family is Safe; my family knows me; my friends who are invited Mon night are Safe.
  5. I will try to journal at least a little each day.  this will force me to take some time away from everyone to breathe and, in some cases, even reflect.  said entries may not be posted to the public; but I will at least write.

I think if I can keep to the above, things should go well enough.  ::crosses fingers::  I’m hoping so, at least.

 

*defenestration is my favourite word.  it is the act of throwing something or someone out a window — de-, of out; and fenestra, Latin for window.  I love it!  😀  arguments exist about defenestrate itself being a word; as a descriptive linguist, I support that it is.

mobile Xmas recap

in Brian’s car on my cell, so pardon text speach and typos.

Xmas at Bri’s dad’s house last night. dad is federal judge, so rich, intelligent, and high class. all day long, I was doing great at pushing Bri away. many gifts to others invloved alcohol-related items. all but Bri and I were drinking alch. his gram even smokes cigs. his bro’s girlfriend got very tipsy.

I was completely sober — and miserable. always feel out of place there. then w DUI 2 out there and in their knowledgen I just felt like a big bag of fuck ups, shame, and poverish trash.

I lived on my cell, frequenting my two Twitter accounts and chatting w my ana buddies on kik. I’d occasionally reach out to a Recovering peer; but many were either busy w fam and didn’t answer, or simply replied with comments like “stay strong”, “pray on it”, or “it will all be okay”.  and again, I didn’t even have Brian With me.

aforementioned girlfriend was actually my biggest and harshest bully in elementary school. and now she super successful and following lawyer path (much to talk about w Bri dad), owns lostts dogs (Bri stepmom raises and trains show dogs), and went to LSU (as did Bri gram). the girl is still very pretty, intelligent, well off, and presentable. is ideal for this family. all along way, she continues to impress and better engage with everyone.

by the end, I was d-o-n-e.  once got home, I basically told Brian to leave me the fuck alone, hid away in the bathroom with bandages and a blade, and bawled for hours. (mind you never cut or drank.) in between sobs and fits, worked on my Plan on my cell.

eventually he came to check on me. vulnerable and hopeless, I opened up — told him about closing him out and the Plan.

after we made peace w one another, made new plan: call counselors Xmas morn, look up mental facilities, etc. I promised to survive until at least weekend; he finally gets me out bathroom.

in less than seven minutes, he does one more thing accidentally pissing me off. I lose it and hide in bathroom again.  we talk, make additional peace, go to bed.

I can’t write too deeply on this for fear of breaking down in car. maybe and expound later. but was one of my more terrible fits; def one of longest and most hopeless. after Bri last offensen was ready to nix self immediately (but had already put blade upn so couldn’t).

Xmas morn, call counselor (not the dickhead; a diff one). but she doesn’t answer.  I fret, totally suicidal again.  Bri try-ish to calm me.  I offer to call head counselor. he likes plan, so I do. she answer and ask what up. I lose nerve and hand phone to Bri. Brian tries to tiptoe about why we call.  she evntually asks to talk to me directly. (all while she on speakerphone.)  she notnunderstanding severity of situation and me still distraught and para-suicidal, I blurt it all out. she tells me get evalv from hospital immediately. I said will so after all holidays. much back and forth between she and I about what to do and how soon.

after much pleading on both sides, compromise that I check in with her every two hours and do reasearch on favcilities Fri. I bring work sched (so she can figure when I can make more AA/NA Meetings) and facilities research for 4:30 Fri Group.; I also supposed to try make Meeting Fri morn. wtf, but whatever.

so been checking in every two hours.

meanwhile, my fam Xmas this morn was great!! no fightsn great haul, awesome food, wondeful comradery, lots ofnfun and laughs and love. made me sad that I may yet still kill self in 3.5 weeks.

moreover, when told Dad about 3-week extension (tho said to finalize meds, not bc relapse), he was cool about. even offered to loan money again.

honestly, was *too* perfect. was storybook ending to life. my Higher Power is the Story, and this was perfect alignment w a Conclusion. (tho counterpoint is also great setup for Improves Life Plotline.)
(still need to write up explanation of the Story and Writers later.)

anyway. then Xmas evening w Bri mom fam. good at first. but none on that side can make fucking decision!! all so flipflop and wishywash.  could not devide between who sat where, what food plave order from, who picks it up, whose meal was whose, who hands out gifts, what game to play, who scores, what game rules are, etc.  love his mom to death, really do. but dammit, doing anything requiring organization w her stresses me out. know this well bc lived w her for about a year a bit ago.

oh. more on that. Bri and I live Lafayette, LA. his mom Baton Rougen about 1.5 hrs away and trip includes a 14mi bridge over swampland. first, bro Adam had own ride as self from Laf-BR. then was gonna ride w us. somehow mom and Adam still in Lft when we ready to meet them in BR. I meantion Xmas in Lft since all gifts and people already in city. mom not want drive in dark bc one headlight out, so we have to wait for her to drive Adam to BR, then we en route. apparently Adam getting ride BR-Lft w us. so now have to clean backseat out before we leave.  BAH.

anyway, mom side of fam had lots of sweets and fast food. that plus having four energy drinks made for irritable tummy. then with so many ppl in such small space (tiny cluttered house w many large-framed ppl), amxiety started in. add on tired, dopamine all fucked, exhausted, tummy hurt, wanting to nap, etc.– I fell into phone again.

felt bad when finally staryed game and I was in phone. but everytime tried to understand scoring or participate in rules discussion, got overtalked and felt overwhemled and end up neared tears.

hrs later, after a checkin, counselor replied back asking how doing. honest: “still in BR. anxious, exhausted, and totally ready to get up and build a blanket fort.”  counselor ask id we can head home. I show Bri whole text exchange. he agree at end of current game; tell same head counselor so. she ask if I can talk to Bri and leave immediately. I tell her he knows bc read convo. she conceedes.  shortly after, game end and we say goodbyes.  I tell her so; she pleased.

goodbye saidn load up car, Bri drive, me passenger, Adam behind me.  I hide in headphones and begin typing this.  Bri and Adam talk –loudly.  whatever; plan to sleep w music on.

about 10m into car ride home, my phone rings. is Bri mom. asks if Adam has his phone, bc did not answer. ask him. says does. relay msg. then she says Basin (that 14mi bridge w no alternate ways off) is closed at one point.

she tries to talk to me about alternate routes while she also talking to loveable-but-looney sister next to her back in BR, Bri to my left asking questions, Adam behind doing similar and offering other alternate routes, and I who have NO familiarity with area trying to relay all these instructions and requests between everyone. evetually, I start cracking.
“Adam, do you have an alternate route in mind”, I interrupt everyone.
“yeah, on my phonevs gps. but it will add 45m to the drive.” I think fuck itn bc I cant handle this any longer.

I tell mom we have plan and will let her know when back it back in Lft. she okay. hang up. apologise to Adam for my nerves; he so mellow always, so was cool about it.

Bri gets out to gas up while Adam discern route. mom apparently call Adam and they talk. I have miagraine at this point and want to strangle everyone. Bri gets in and loudly asking wuestions to me and Adam while latter still on phone.

I. am losing. my shit. afyer Adam off phone, I offer Adam my passenger seat to have Navigator in front. no answer. not sure if didnt hear, dont care, or ignore me. personally, no fucks any longer given. I run away into headphones.

currently still over 30m from dropping Adam to his car at gf parent house (he and gf live in Texas). then have to get home ourselves. bah! all this while, hyper excited Bri being ALL OF THE FUCKS LOUD RIGHT BESIDE ME. music on full and he still over it. and he cackles sharply and squacks, and making my head worse.

am jst thanking Lord, Jesus, Holy Ghost, Budha, and all pagan gods that is mot a 3- or 5-hr drive. fffff.  SOMEONE WOULD BE MURDERES BY END OF IT.

so I *suppose* survived Xmas. and suppose everyone else in Story does too. but holy fuck, came reeeeeeeeeally close several times. like srsly.

will try to keep updates about rehab and mental hospital and DUI2, also about letting Bri back into life.

also have numerous comments and updates from ppl on both journals and blog. promise is on todo list.

but in meantime, when I get home, FUCK ALL THE WORLD I WANT A HOT BATH W RELAXING MUSIC THEN BED.

~REBLOGGED~ NeuRoundup

is it sad that I would totally purchase this album if I could fucking find a way to do so??

blahpolar

Trigger warnings for suicide.

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Christmas Card Exchange!! :D

I love snail mail.  I’m, like, seriously madly in love with it.  when not in a depressive phase (as I’ve obviously been), I may write up to three or four snail mails in a given week.  sometimes they’re a mere postcard; othertimes, it’s a five- or six-page letter.

anyway.  people do Christmas cards and shit.  I just do cards.  but I have some Christmas ones too.

TL;DR  do you want to receive a Christmas card from me??

hey complete strangers, this includes you.  those few who follow my blog but don’t really comment much?  you can still get a card in snail mail!  😀  how cool would that be??

anyway, you can contact me at Queen.of.the.Spades[at]gmail[dot]com

or you can send the letter first:
James Parker
104 Westwood Dr. #351
Lafayette, LA 70506

yes, I know that’s dangerous, putting my address up there.  whatever, I want snail mail.