the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.

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the Darkness

I wouldn’t call it a “fascination” or “obsession”.  it’s a relationship.  it’s an unhealthy, symbiotic relationship that we have — the Darkness and me.

I’m starting to work out again, and I’ve been making good progress on my DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) work.  I’m cutting out snacking, and I’m going to start eating better.  I have a really good job, my car is running fine, I’m starting to make a place in certain social circles, etc.

but I can feel It.  It’s pulling me in, with It’s Beauty and Awe.  I’m ready to stop eating complete, for example.  the idea of embracing my eating disorders that I managed to subdue, it’s attractive.  of going down some Darker paths of truths and ideals.  mental images of me cutting are once again what I use to calm my nerves and focus my attention.

It’s warm and familiar and close.  It wraps me up in a thick blanket of comfort and knowledge.  It’s always there when I come back, in one form or another.

my musical taste, my reading preferences, my thoughts, desires, ideals, hopes — they’re all Darker.  and not the “bad dark”, but the beautiful Darkness.  the one that’s ever ready to hold you tight in Its arms, slowly suffocating you with Its comfort.

I suppose it’s potentially a romanticization of an aspect of depression.  or it’s just me thinking only about the good times prior to my “getting better”.  whatever it is, it’s real to me….

~REBLOGGED~ One Order of Darkness, Please!

beautiful piece on why sometimes we stay Ill.

my two favourite bits are quotes below:

Darkness is, in my attempt to explain, not the lack of light. It is not the lack of love or the lack of compassion but rather the lack of hope. Darkness in my mind is a simple place without much adornment that allows me to feel not just sad, not just depressed, but allows me to fall deep into my own internal soul and put the world far away. It is a place that gives me permission to not have all the answers and it is a place that gives me permission to not have to be what all those I love hope for me to be.

My darkness which makes bottle of pills very attractive also blocks out much of the world. There is no expectations in this darkness but rather the need to be nothing.

The Truth Ache

secretI will let you in on a secret. I will tell you a secret about myself that I don’t talk about, that I don’t think about, but live with. I am sorry to say it isn’t a dirty little secret nor will anyone be that astonished. It may not be understood by anyone, but it is my reality. And the secret is…I like the darkness.

Let me back up a couple of steps so that you can understand. There are important steps to know when coming not only to terms with your own mental illness but when you have teach others about the diseases. Trying to entertain while still teaching about a subject I know like the back of my brain without scaring my family (and husband) out of their wits is difficult. There are certain truths that you have to lightly touch on and others that you simply have…

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