the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.


still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.¬† they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.¬† chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.¬† and yes, that’s different.¬† Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.¬† my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.¬† sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.¬† I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?¬† and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.¬† so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins¬†or such then…


in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.¬† I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.¬† I’ll be collecting addresses there too.¬† but in the meantime, we’re:¬†¬†Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466¬† ūüėČ

that’s all for now.¬† maybe something more informative later…..



> okay.

> sounds great.

>  perfect plan.


did you disagree?¬† because I didn’t?

I suspect tomorrow will be fine.

but I’m seriously¬†running out of “bad days” that don’t get logged as “last days”.



the Final Day is ideal,


















please allow it to come soon … or even better ASAP…..

blub blub…

I have 64 words for NaNo so far.¬† and that’s all just from editing and adding words to older work.¬† none of it is totally fresh content.¬† because I have no fresh content in my brain.¬† I can’t think.¬† I’m too tired all the time.¬† I either have something else scheduled at the time, or I don’t have something else scheduled and therein opt to just sleep.

I almost made it to kickboxing this morning.¬† I got dressed and packed up.¬† I was fighting off a breakdown the whole time.¬† then, when it was time to put on shoes and go out the door, I just cracked.¬† I started bawling.¬† by the time I gathered myself enough to leave, it was too late and would cause me to be truant.¬† so I cried all over again.¬† then Brian eventually coerced me into going to the apartment’s gym and just walking on the treadmill at a stroll for 15 minutes.¬† and then I tucked my tail between my legs as I shuffled back to the apartment, defeated.¬† he congratulated and said he was proud of me.¬† he reiterated that “something is better than nothing”.¬† but all I could think of is how “a lot is more than something”.

I was legit tardy to work yesterday.¬† I couldn’t wake up; I couldn’t function.¬† I was so fatigued, it was beyond words.¬† and it’s not like I stayed up late on Sunday or anything.¬† maybe it was the time change Sunday morning.¬† maybe it’s just my body shutting down.¬† but it caused me to be late to a point of disciplinary action.¬† I mean, it’s just earning points towards a larger avoidable balance (think golf).¬† but hey, any points is more than no points.¬† and I got some points for being truant yesterday.¬† ugh.

I’m really falling apart.¬† I don’t know how to keep above water, much less start actually swimming again.

happy birthday to me

it’s here. happy birthday to me, I suppose. I survived another year of living with myself, of beating myself up and despising who I am and what I haven’t accomplished.

a friend has to postpone birthday hangouts last night. instead, a different friend came over last night and gave me a few gifts. I skipped the gym this morning. I have had a few wishes her at work; I’ve received a few texts from my Louisiana folk too. then there’s an unrelated work hangout this afternoon. in the evening, I’m going to Noodles and Company with a third friend; he will probably pay, knowing him. then tonight I’ll cry myself to sleep. Saturday, Brian will take me to dinner and to see Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. at some point, I know I’ll get a gift from another friend who always sends something.


I wanted to cry when I woke up this morning. I really hoped that my gift from The-Powers-That-Be would be my not waking up finally. alas.

my sleeping issues have returned. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I mentioned to Brian about going back to a sleep specialist, and he agreed that it was a good idea.

my depression is worse, too; but that typically happens around my birthday.

I haven’t been to therapy in several months. she had a health issue that kept her out of work. she wants to meet Sep 2. I liked what work we were doing when we were actually doing it. but her constantly cancelling and rescheduling appointments was a real pain, and I had decided that I wouldn’t go back. but now, with the state I’m in, maybe I should. for now, at least. …man, I dunno.

I got a UTI last week. haven’t been back to my kickboxing since then. I know that’s not helping my mood any. I also ran out of my fibro and my axiety meds two weeks ago. so that’s taking a toll.


overall things should be great for me. but I’m crazy, and things are not good in my Mind.

so yeah. happy birthday to me.

meh. \shrugs\

I locked the door behind me as I was leaving for work yesterday morning. ¬†a thought flashed through my mind: “I should quit my job today.”

I didn’t.
and I won’t.

but I wanted to. ¬†not for any of the reasons I’ve ever left a job before — which is almost always that the job is slowly killing me on the inside. ¬†instead, I wanted to quit because I just wanted to quit everything.

I had stayed home Tuesday due to have fell ill over the weekend. ¬†I slept¬†all. day. long. ¬†and Wednesday morning, I wondered why I wasn’t doing that everyday.

it’s been a while since I’ve just wanted to¬†Quit. ¬†like, not necessarily or specifically Life itself. ¬†but just Everything. ¬†(recent months, it’s been wanting to very precisely Quit Life.) ¬†but as of the last few days?, weeks?, it’s been just wanting to casually say, “okay, that was fun. ¬†but I’m done now.”

like when you’re playing a game, and you’re just done playing. ¬†time to stop. ¬†nothing drastic like taking your ball home. ¬†nothing like forfeiting the play. ¬†just, time to stop playing. ¬†no remorse, no regret, just Quittin’ time.

part of me is very apathetic about my family coming up here in June. ¬†(another part is OMG, super stoked!) ¬†a large portion of me just doesn’t really care about anything.

will I be fit and prepared for the Tough Mudder?  meh.
will I do something fun this weekend?  meh.
will I enjoy reading my books the next time I pick them up?  meh.
will I eat anything today?  meh.
I just don’t really care about anything.

nothing seems important or matterful. ¬†things are neither easy nor difficult, good nor bad. ¬†I just don’t care.

I’m not sure if this is an improvement or just a side step from crippling depression. ¬†the jury is still out on this one.

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops. ¬†so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course). ¬†also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous¬†times in the last two weeks. ¬†however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three. ¬†~sighs~

I’ve been totally¬†exhausted lately. ¬†like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds. ¬†that’s actually what¬†led to my forgetting to take them. ¬†over the weekend, I just got really, really tired. ¬†then Monday morning, I sleep in until I¬†absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready. ¬†and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week. ¬†today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds. ¬†I’d be late if I had turned around though. ¬†and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them. ¬†“it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one¬†knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand. ¬†(the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals. ¬†I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.) ¬†so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now. ¬†he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it. ¬†I did my best not to have an¬†emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded. ¬†but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all. ¬†I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him. ¬†and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off. ¬†but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning. ¬†I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me. ¬†I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage. ¬†I “see” myself doing and saying things. ¬†I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system. ¬†maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake. ¬†maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon. ¬†that would be a nice change of pace. ¬†I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while. ¬†though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired. ¬†like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.” ¬†an me being too tired to analyze something¬†— not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now. ¬†I’m just really off kilter. ¬†and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.