I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned. and I have caloric goals included. well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit. so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell. well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons. so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup. shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.
I was Done.
Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made. I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one. but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me. so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore. and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.
so that’s what happened here — I was just Done. so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep. I didn’t eat anything. this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal. I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.
when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner. that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight. but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat. so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.
so I’m going to try no lunches. people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time. so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.
yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.
I forgot how great it felt to really control something again. I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat. I’m going to get my ropes back. and I’m stoked.
there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me. I always feel lighter when I skip meals. my insides are more vacant, they’re airy. I walk lighter; I almost float. I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no. and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving. again, I am in control.
so yeah, I think It’s coming back. that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.
I have to be careful, though. I can’t let It take the control as it once did. I have to remain in charge. I have to guide It to a happy medium between us. and I really think I can; honestly.