I Have an Eating Disorder

𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕊𝕄-𝕍:

Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED)*

Symptoms characteristic of a feeding or eating disorder that cause clinical distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning predominate. However DO NOT meet the full criteria for any of the disorders in the feeding and eating disorders diagnostic class.

*OSFED was previously EDNOS
(Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified),
for those who were wondering

Atypical Anorexia Nervosa

All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except that despite significant weight loss, the individual’s weight is within or above the normal range.

Anorexia Nervosa

  1. Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements, leading to a significantly low body weight in the context of age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health. Significantly low weight is defined as a weight that is less than minimally normal or, for children and adolescents, less than minimally expected.
  2. Intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behaviour that interferes with weight gain, even though at a significantly low weight.
  3. Disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or persistent lack of recognition of the seriousness of the current low body weight.

Restricting Type

During the last three months, the individual has not engaged in recurrent episodes of binge eating or purging behaviour (i.e. self-induced vomiting, or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas). This subtype describes presentations in which weight loss is accomplished primarily through dieting, fasting and/or excessive exercise.

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quick little check-in

things were falling apart in October and November. really glad they’re over.

Bad Habits

December is rolling out and is … so-so. I’m seeing a few bad habits trickling in as stress management for everything.

not drinking though. still clean on that. the difference from other times is that I legit wanted to be done with it. I was doing it for me, not because someone else told me too. and that’s made all the difference.

I miss the culture associated with drinking. but I don’t miss who I was when I drank. so it works out.

my psych wants me to go to an ED clinc (eating disorder clinic). I’m doing a good enough job of not letting it control me, but rather just influence me. so we’ll see.

going to a clinic means fully admitting that it’s true. by not going, I can keep pretending I don’t have a problem, right?

also part of me is tied into the “I’m too fat to have an ED” lie. I know it’s not entirely true (second have, at least), but it’s nice to hold onto while I obsess and have freak outs.

grocery shopping has gotten hard. legit started crying in the store a few weeks back because I just couldn’t function. so yeah, there’s that.

Entertainment

Brian’s still running a pre-made D&D campaign for Ada (his bro), my mum, and me. we’re having fun. some nights, I’m stressed out by it; other nights, I really enjoy it. yay being crazy. :/

I’m trying to arrange stuff to do outside … in the snow. everyone says being in the element more assists in tolerating it. so I’m trying that tactic this year.

I really want to do the Polar Plunge this year. it’s “a series of events where people jump into a frozen lake to support Special Olympics Minnesota”. you raise or donate $50-$75 to be able to jump. the main one is in Minneapolis, and it’s the on I’d probably end up going to. tough there’s the Maple Grove one that a not going to be as busy and isn’t a horrible drive.

anyway. the drop is supposedly just wait deep, so my head shouldn’t be underwater too long, and I won’t really have the chance to drown, lol. and here’s a quick write-up of what happens to your stupid body when your stupid brain tells it to jump into a fucking frozen lake.

so I guess that’s it for this post. I need to start wrapping up for work. it”s takes an extra ten or so minutes just to get dressed. and another 10-30 minutes if you park outside to get your car functioning. I hate this place.

back into the pool

the headaches are coming back.  the dreams too.  the anxiety and hatred.  the strength and endurance.  the desire, the hope.  the disorder.

I’m wanting to save the photos on my phone, go back to that old forum I used to be on, and stroll through a large database that may not even be up anymore.  I want to be more precise with my calories, counting pieces of gum and always overestimating, just to be safe.  wanting to start drinking tons of water to fill up.  to do random exercises just to burn as many calories as I can.

and I’m not sure there’s any part of me that wants to stop me.

there are parts that know it’s “wrong” and unhealthy.  but that doesn’t matter to me.  when it comes to an addiction, those are weak arguments.

I’m sliding back into the deep end of the pool, and the water is frigid.  but that’s just how I like it, because my body will have to work harder to keep warm.  and any effort counts.

I think It’s coming back

I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned.  and I have caloric goals included.  well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit.  so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell.  well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons.  so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup.  shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.

I was Done.

Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made.  I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one.  but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me.  so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore.  and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.

so that’s what happened here — I was just Done.  so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep.  I didn’t eat anything.  this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal.  I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.

when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner.  that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight.  but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat.  so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.

so I’m going to try no lunches.  people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time.  so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.

yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.

I forgot how great it felt to really control something again.  I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat.  I’m going to get my ropes back.  and I’m stoked.

there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me.  I always feel lighter when I skip meals.  my insides are more vacant, they’re airy.  I walk lighter; I almost float.  I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no.  and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving.  again, I am in control.

so yeah, I think It’s coming back.  that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.

I have to be careful, though.  I can’t let It take the control as it once did.  I have to remain in charge.  I have to guide It to a happy medium between us.  and I really think I can; honestly.

physical health mini check-in

I’ve been feeling a little weak these last few … well, weeks.  at first, I wrote it off to being on my period.  but my increased dizziness and appendage instability has persisted.  I’m left wondering just what it is.  hopefully it’ll pass soon, as I’m scheduled to donate blood on Saturday.  so we’ll see.

I’m eating well enough, I believe.  some days I could stand to have a little more meat or protein, but that shall always be the case for people with anemia.  I have at least two meals every day, usually three.  and it’s healthy meals, often paleo-influenced if not strict.  I’m not a sodas or sweets person.

maybe it’s the sunflower seeds.  due to the amount of fat and calories in them, and to just how many I’d consume in a single sitting, I’ve stopped purchasing them.  I think that’s from where I would get most of my protein, lol.  so perhaps that’s where a deficit has been created.

my ED is still ever-present.  by eating lower calorie foods — again, such as the salads –, my ED is noisy, but not pushy.  it understands that we have to find a balance of eating healthy and eating poorly (or not eating at all, as the case may be).

I haven’t had any alcohol for almost two weeks now.  I’m noticing that that, combined with limiting what I eat, is resulting is very minor weight loss. #NoShitSherlock  though I’m not sure how long we’ll keep this up, it’s very nice while it lasts.

I haven’t been working out. at all.  that’s been really sucky.  I’ve just been so tired or exhausted each morning.  and then most days, I get home from work too late.  but there’s this really awesome 5k that takes place in October that I want to do.  and another in July.  last time I had something for which I was specially training, I was so fucking committed.  this loose-ended “eventual” stuff doesn’t work for me.  even picking arbitrary goal dates doesn’t work.  an event forces my hand.  so maybe I’ll sign up to one (or both), and go from there.

welcome back, old friend

I caught myself doing it again.  embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations.  I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred.  song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain.  I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.

this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far.  I realize it’s not healthy.  but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.

“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder.  because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury.  also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.

even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not.  I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today.  with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals.  lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more.  aye, there’s the rub.

help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.

~ Sia – “Breathe Me”

mindless number crunching

I’m a nerd.  in so many areas of life and interests, I’m a nerd.

foremost, I’m an English/literature dork.  I’m a librarian, for fuck’s sake, lol.  but I’m also a number nerd.  (which is great, because Brian is primarily a number guy and secondarily a language guy.)  I loved algebra and physics, I liked geometry, I enjoyed the bits of trig I learned, etc.  (except stat.  fuck statistics.)  the only portion of chemistry that I didn’t detest was stoichiometry (and even then, it was only the formula portions I could handle.)  so yeah, love numbers.

and I have OCD.  it manifests in many ways.  but I’ve learned to control it via tricks like tracking petty things, having certain things organized in a simple way, counting smaller collections, number crunching random shit, etc.

tangentially, my court date is tomorrow.  (hopefully, I’ll write up a separate entry with more details on that shortly.)  so I’m all of fucks stressed out and anxious.  I’m fighting off tears every thirty minutes, and I’m literally hiding from people so as to not have to interact with anyone.

soooooooo.  to assist in calming my nerves, I decided to do some number crunching on my lunch break.  DISCLAIMER:  I know this is not how weight and calories work.  I know this is not a reliable way to make a plan or something steady to base predictions of off.  rather, this is just me chilling the fuck out.  about a year ago, I made being approximately 125 lbs by this birthday my goal.  however, I got stuck in losing weight for a while around 170 lbs.  I have since lost ten of those pounds.  but I’ve been stuck yet again for several months around 160 lbs.  so, in an attempt to not stab anyone (myself included), I started calculating things.  and below is some of the random, unorganized results I acquired.  (NOTE:  since I’m just playing with numbers and not actually relying on them, much of the below is significantly rounded off.)  like seriously, this is just me de-stressing, not actually making a weight-loss or meal plan.


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