back into the pool

the headaches are coming back.  the dreams too.  the anxiety and hatred.  the strength and endurance.  the desire, the hope.  the disorder.

I’m wanting to save the photos on my phone, go back to that old forum I used to be on, and stroll through a large database that may not even be up anymore.  I want to be more precise with my calories, counting pieces of gum and always overestimating, just to be safe.  wanting to start drinking tons of water to fill up.  to do random exercises just to burn as many calories as I can.

and I’m not sure there’s any part of me that wants to stop me.

there are parts that know it’s “wrong” and unhealthy.  but that doesn’t matter to me.  when it comes to an addiction, those are weak arguments.

I’m sliding back into the deep end of the pool, and the water is frigid.  but that’s just how I like it, because my body will have to work harder to keep warm.  and any effort counts.

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I think It’s coming back

I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned.  and I have caloric goals included.  well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit.  so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell.  well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons.  so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup.  shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.

I was Done.

Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made.  I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one.  but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me.  so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore.  and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.

so that’s what happened here — I was just Done.  so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep.  I didn’t eat anything.  this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal.  I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.

when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner.  that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight.  but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat.  so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.

so I’m going to try no lunches.  people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time.  so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.

yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.

I forgot how great it felt to really control something again.  I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat.  I’m going to get my ropes back.  and I’m stoked.

there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me.  I always feel lighter when I skip meals.  my insides are more vacant, they’re airy.  I walk lighter; I almost float.  I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no.  and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving.  again, I am in control.

so yeah, I think It’s coming back.  that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.

I have to be careful, though.  I can’t let It take the control as it once did.  I have to remain in charge.  I have to guide It to a happy medium between us.  and I really think I can; honestly.

physical health mini check-in

I’ve been feeling a little weak these last few … well, weeks.  at first, I wrote it off to being on my period.  but my increased dizziness and appendage instability has persisted.  I’m left wondering just what it is.  hopefully it’ll pass soon, as I’m scheduled to donate blood on Saturday.  so we’ll see.

I’m eating well enough, I believe.  some days I could stand to have a little more meat or protein, but that shall always be the case for people with anemia.  I have at least two meals every day, usually three.  and it’s healthy meals, often paleo-influenced if not strict.  I’m not a sodas or sweets person.

maybe it’s the sunflower seeds.  due to the amount of fat and calories in them, and to just how many I’d consume in a single sitting, I’ve stopped purchasing them.  I think that’s from where I would get most of my protein, lol.  so perhaps that’s where a deficit has been created.

my ED is still ever-present.  by eating lower calorie foods — again, such as the salads –, my ED is noisy, but not pushy.  it understands that we have to find a balance of eating healthy and eating poorly (or not eating at all, as the case may be).

I haven’t had any alcohol for almost two weeks now.  I’m noticing that that, combined with limiting what I eat, is resulting is very minor weight loss. #NoShitSherlock  though I’m not sure how long we’ll keep this up, it’s very nice while it lasts.

I haven’t been working out. at all.  that’s been really sucky.  I’ve just been so tired or exhausted each morning.  and then most days, I get home from work too late.  but there’s this really awesome 5k that takes place in October that I want to do.  and another in July.  last time I had something for which I was specially training, I was so fucking committed.  this loose-ended “eventual” stuff doesn’t work for me.  even picking arbitrary goal dates doesn’t work.  an event forces my hand.  so maybe I’ll sign up to one (or both), and go from there.

welcome back, old friend

I caught myself doing it again.  embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations.  I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred.  song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain.  I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.

this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far.  I realize it’s not healthy.  but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.

“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder.  because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury.  also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.

even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not.  I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today.  with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals.  lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more.  aye, there’s the rub.

help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.

~ Sia – “Breathe Me”

mindless number crunching

I’m a nerd.  in so many areas of life and interests, I’m a nerd.

foremost, I’m an English/literature dork.  I’m a librarian, for fuck’s sake, lol.  but I’m also a number nerd.  (which is great, because Brian is primarily a number guy and secondarily a language guy.)  I loved algebra and physics, I liked geometry, I enjoyed the bits of trig I learned, etc.  (except stat.  fuck statistics.)  the only portion of chemistry that I didn’t detest was stoichiometry (and even then, it was only the formula portions I could handle.)  so yeah, love numbers.

and I have OCD.  it manifests in many ways.  but I’ve learned to control it via tricks like tracking petty things, having certain things organized in a simple way, counting smaller collections, number crunching random shit, etc.

tangentially, my court date is tomorrow.  (hopefully, I’ll write up a separate entry with more details on that shortly.)  so I’m all of fucks stressed out and anxious.  I’m fighting off tears every thirty minutes, and I’m literally hiding from people so as to not have to interact with anyone.

soooooooo.  to assist in calming my nerves, I decided to do some number crunching on my lunch break.  DISCLAIMER:  I know this is not how weight and calories work.  I know this is not a reliable way to make a plan or something steady to base predictions of off.  rather, this is just me chilling the fuck out.  about a year ago, I made being approximately 125 lbs by this birthday my goal.  however, I got stuck in losing weight for a while around 170 lbs.  I have since lost ten of those pounds.  but I’ve been stuck yet again for several months around 160 lbs.  so, in an attempt to not stab anyone (myself included), I started calculating things.  and below is some of the random, unorganized results I acquired.  (NOTE:  since I’m just playing with numbers and not actually relying on them, much of the below is significantly rounded off.)  like seriously, this is just me de-stressing, not actually making a weight-loss or meal plan.


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word vomit update

dude, so much has been going on lately.  I’ll guess I’ll do a brief, list-formed summary, as I’ve much to do.

 

to start it off….

I had a seizure a little over two weeks ago.  5am, I go to the bathroom to fill my water bottle.  I get dizzy en route, nothing major at first.  but by the time I’m at the sink, I can tell it’s going to be a big one.  so I put the toilet lid down and sit.  next thing I know, I’m balled up on the floor in Brian’s arms with him distantly calling out to me.  I can’t speak; my tongue is heavy.  I can’t hug or tap him to let him know I’m fine, because neither my arms nor legs will move.  and I’m still dizzy, so my head is heavy and wobbly.  and now suddenly, I’m nauseous (which, by the way, is one of the most difficult words to ever have to spell).

I finally respond, just barely, that I need to puke.  so he helps me lean over the toilet, and I let go.  by the time I’m done vomiting, I can actually communicate.  “what the fuck?” was, of course, my first words.

“I think you had a seizure.”

“…a … I what?”

“a seizure.  I think you just had a seizure.”  apparently, when I sat down on the toilet, I passed out and collapsed between it and the tub.  the sound woke up, but he figured I just had a slight fall.  then he hears a repeating thumping noise.  he goes to see and finds me between the tub and toilet.  when he finally pulls me out, my eyes were rolling in the back of my head and I was convulsing (thus the repeated thumping).  he said it was a good 30-45 minutes between his calling out to me and my actually responding.

he called into work for me, telling what happened, and that I’d be in when I could.  my boss said stay home all day, lol.  so I did.  and I slept on the bathroom until 1pm or so because everytime I sat up, I got so dizzy I threw up again.  even while lying on the floor, I was dizzy.

everyone finally convinces me to go to the doctor.  well, he wants to send me to a neurologist.  when he asked if I’d been to one before, I answered, “not really.  I got an MRI done a week after a stroke I had about six years ago.  but never a neurologist.”  that was apparently the wrong thing to say, because he then insisted I see a head doc.  that appointment is in two weeks now.  in the meantime, he put me (back) on anti-seizure medication, which are also mood stabilizers.

yet still meanwhile, this past Monday, I had all the dizzy and nauseous symptoms again.  though this time, there was no severe passing out or convulsions.  so I guess that’s an improvement.

and just think: this is only the first fucking topic of my oh-so wonderful Life Updates.

….ugh.

 

DUI

talked to a real lawyer today (not a public defender who blows you off and doesn’t give a fuck about you but takes your money anyway).  he said things are going to be bad, but possible not as bad as we thought.

said lawyer had me get all kinds of paperwork and write up several reports.  I’ve gotten lots of that done already.

apparently, “this is going to cost,” he said.  “but not money; don’t worry about that.  since you work at a library, I’ll have you do some volunteer work for a non-profit I’m involved in.  you’ll work in archives with newspapers and stuff.”  dude, this guy has no idea that this is one of the things I actually want to do for the rest of my life??

anyway.  another thing I learned from him is the interpretation of the license paperwork.  apparently I will not be able to drive a vehicle as of March 15th (that’s not this Sunday, but the next).  I can apply for a Restricted License, which will probably allow me to go to work, selected medical appointments (like my monthly visit you’ll soon read about), and maybe even the grocery store.  but otherwise, that’ll be it.

I’m not sure how terribly upset I am about that.  everytime I’ve gotten into the driver’s seat lately, I’ve wanted to take it off a bridge, into high-speed on-coming traffic, into a concrete wall, etc.  so I’m thinking I really shouldn’t be behind the driver’s wheel too much anyway.  (and also, it’s not like I go anywhere or do anything anymore anyhow. (and that was a lot of “any-“s….) )

 

medication

as per my psychiatrist’s and Brian’s request (the latter of which was not shared with me until my psych pulled it out with a few teeth), I contacted Townsend about going back to just the doctor, not the bullshit therapy too.

they said it’s been too long, but I could look into seeing a clinic that adopts the Townsend perspective.  so I contacted them.

$250 per visit (usually monthly), and they don’t take insurance.  I can, however, make the claim myself.  apparently most people get at least something back.

mind you, this excludes the medication itself.  O_o  if you recall, they had me on seven different meds, most of which I was taking twice a day and two even three times a day.  one of which, additionally so, was over $150 for only 30 days.  O_O

so yeah, all of the fucking money — which I don’t fucking have.

 

jobs

Brian got his first substitution job yesterday.  so he’s teaching three hours at UL on Thursday nights and will work with 8th graders for about two weeks while the teacher is out on maternity leave.

as of right now, I still have a job.  however, in a two-week period, six people at SLCC were let go (one of which was a coworker here in the library!).  we’re not technically in a layoffs, but I think they’re preparing for it.

I had my mid-year review with Katherine, and she’s very pleased with my improvements.  I also had a chance to explain myself (regarding my boredom), and she agreed to give me back a few of my old duties, plus help out Bill with a bunch of his.  so I’ve been extra busy at work, and I’m fucking loving it.

while helping Bill out, he mentioned how I could probably grow into a great technical writer.  so I’m looking into free technical writing classes.  sure, it won’t really be able to go on my resume.  but I could honestly say I have knowledge and practice of it.  ::shrugs::  it’s a direction.

I’m also considering trying out for the Cracked.com writing team.  I’m just not sure I’d ever find the correct tone of humour they want.  but hey, maybe the editors could direct me some in that….  anyway, just researching right now — nothing too serious.

 

moolah

I’ve filed for a determent in paying back my student loans.  I sent in my paychecks, my hospital bills, my credit bills, etc.  all the different reasons as to why I’m poor as fuck (other than evidence of my not being able to balance my income with Brian’s lifestyle).  so yeah, crossing my fingers on that.

meanwhile, I created a nice little spreadsheet to better track my finances.  I think, because of my situation, it will work better for me than those most people create.  this is not a budget, but more like a log.  it focuses more on what I currently have than on what I spent where — which is what I need currently.

 

electronics

I don’t know what the righteous fuck is going on, but everything that plugs into the wall and/or runs on batteries around me has been committing suicide — my car battery dies at least once very other week; the phone my dad is letting me borrow won’t hold a charge, no matter the battery (he bought extra) nor charger combinations I’ve used; my PC can’t play most of my games anymore; Brians’ computer has been randomly shutting down recently; the internet has been unusually slow; even my iPod is trying to give out.  I mean, fuck, IT came to look at my work computer, and now even that fucker is on the fritz!!  BAH.

I’m ready to just go live in the woods — no cars, no bikes, no liquor, no people, etc.

 

Bad Habits

so guess who’s eating disorder is coming back pretty strong?  oh yeah, this girl.  I’m restricting, though not terribly so yet.  but the fear and guilt and obsession are over-powering.  when Brian and I went to dinner for Date Nite Tuesday, I just stared at my food for a while before I could eat.  “oh, I’m just letting it cool down, is all,” I told him when he inquired.  in reality, I was preparing myself for the barrage of self-hate I was about to both experience and inflict.

I’ve returned to one of my homey ED sites.  I’m posting regularly, participating in challenges, etc.  hell, I even hosted my own mini challenge at one point.

I try to keep my caloric intake between 500 and 1000 — so I’m not actually starving myself, but also so I can minimize the self-hate.

I’m checking the scale every morning for sure, and typically everytime I use my home bathroom, and most nights.  I only record the morning one, though, as I know food and exercise influence weight and body fat.

when I was sick Monday, I got excited Tuesday morning at how low the scale read.  I knew it wasn’t going to last; but I basked in the joy I felt for the day.

it’s no secret: I’m overweight.  I’m not “fat” in the medical sense; but I am overweight.  I’ve and average of 34% body fat and 25.7 BMI.  so I’m not medically fat, but I’m bigger than both what is healthy and what I want.

anyway.  I’ve started obsessing with that.  I’m checking my ED forums and chats at work on my iPod every often.

meanwhile, today, I packed some extra bandages and a second razor to work.  I keep a little blade in my wallet all times, for “emergencies”.  a few smaller bandaids too.  in those cases, just a knick or two will siffice.  however, today was a Wound day, as in I snatched some of the larger bandage pads from my bathroom and snuck them along with me, just in case.

yeah, my SI hasn’t really officially returned (I’ve only just once or twice in the last few months, and only one session of hair-pulling).  but it’s teasing it.

 

so the good news!

fuck, this is all depressing.  so what good things have been going on?

well, as stated, I’ve picked up extra assignments at work.  and I’ve really impressed Bill with my timeliness, my skills, and products’ outputs.  of course, there’s a few tweaks to be made along the way so that they fit his overall picture better.  but typically, he’s greatly pleased with what I bring him.

I’ve updated my resume.  I also cleaned it up some.  I had the same boring style from back when I started college.  it was time for something fresh and more executive-like.  I’m still tweaking it, as the style is forcing the font to be small (or maybe I’m still including too much shit on it — which is actually what I think is going on).  anyway, if anyone wants to be a sweetheart and review it for me to provide suggestions, I’d fucking adore you for it!!  I think this link will take you to it: Parker-James-Christine_337-349-3009 .  that one specifically is for a generic office manager job.  like I said, I have a lot in it I can remove.  and then I’m going to edit it further for the technical writing jobs.  I’ll hit up people again to review that one.  (also, please let me know if the formatting open fonky for you!!)

ugh, and then I need to create a portfolio.  I need a collection of shit I’ve done — papers I’ve written, instruction manuals I’ve designed, projects I’ve completed, ideas I’ve birthed, stats I’ve achieves, etc.  any suggestions?? 😀

another good thing is getting my cat back.  :3   Zero had been at my parents’ place for over three weeks.  well, last weekend, I finally found the time and umph to snag him back home.  and OMG, was that cat fucking glued to me.  XD  I loved it, but at the same time it was like, “kitteh, I haz werk to do.”  so yeah, having my little butthead back has been nice.

Sean’s still crashing at our place.  without sharing too much of his personal life, his job is dragging their ass on paying him, so he’s in a tight spot.  between my falling apart and him having no money, it behooves us both to keep him here, lol.  but the lack of money really has him both depressed and concerned at the moment.  so in order to distract each of us, we watch various movies and shows together sometimes.  one such movie was Under the Skin.  if you’re going to look into it, do it as home as this is movie is amazing but sooooo NSFW, lol!!  all of the nekked Scarlett Johansson.  I mean, sexalicious.  but totally not something you want your boss to see you checking out while on the clock, lol.  (though if you do ever watch it without reading the spoilers first, let me know what your theory/take on the movie is.  :D)

I can’t find my Manifesto — the file in which I wrote up my short- and long-term goals, daily plans, virtues of life, etc.  I’m not sure this is a bad thing.  maybe it’s signifying a need to start over.  so I am.  a new file, a new outlook, etc.  and real goals too — such as get the fuck outta Louisiana….

ah, speaking of Louisiana — the recent weather.  it was finally warming up some.  until today, wherein it sneauxed.  ugh.  I suppose this is what most would actually just call a flurry or something.  but whatever, ice solidified and fell from the sky.  sneaux in Louisiana is so fucking uncommon, there’s even a gaddamn Wikipedia article about it!  XDDDD

 

so I guess that’s basically all that’s going on in my life.  sorry for the word vomit, but y’all know by now that’s kinda my style.

chat with a friend

I was talking with one of my buddies from high school.  we keep in touch well.  he kept me alive back in those days, and he keeps me going these days.

anyway,  he was asking about how I was doing.  prior to this morning, last we talked was first week of November.  back when things were still really bad — as in I was drinking more often than I wasn’t.  he and I actually spoke just days after my arrest.

so here’s the convo.  it was good to be honest with someone about the advancements I’ve made in the last six days or so.

friend
Hey
How’s it going?

moi
s’aight, I suppose.
rehab is getting old.

friend
I’m sure

moi
I’ve been sober since Friday night, though.
I relapsed big time because of Thanksgiving. the food anxiety got the best of me.

friend
so other than the relapse, are things going well?
you should be close to finished with rehab right?

moi
I’m half-way through the seven weeks. but because of the many relapses, they’re probably going to keep me longer.
things are … well, they are.
due to several conversations last week, I’m actually determined to stop drinking. for a while, at least. even after I get out of rehab, I think.
however, that’s if I stay alive long enough.
I’m tired every day, and I’m having suicidal thoughts again.
no plans yet.
just … ideations.
more than usual, and with stronger.

friend
That’s tough
not drinking would be good
but i know that isn’t easy

moi
yeah.
well, drinking used to make me blind to how much I didn’t want to be alive.
now that I’m spending time more awake and coherent, it’s hurting all over again.
I’m also having to face the stupid and sometimes wrongful things I did while drinking and/or drunk. no more ignoring it, ya know?

friend
yeah
but there isn’t anything you can do about the past
and I get ignoring it will always be easier

moi
yeah, I know.

friend
Has rehab been helpful?

moi
only in the last week.
prior to that, I wasn’t letting it help me, ya know?

friend
Yup
And are you feeling more motivated now?

moi
yeah.

friend
That’s a start

moi
I realised that I can’t drink moderately at this point in my life. so until I sort that out, I can’t drink at all. I’m not saying I’ll stay sober for the rest of my life. but for the current time period, I’m abstaining.
I’m not “stopping” drinking, I’m just taking a break.
that break may be a month, a year, three decades, no clue. but if I look at it that way, I can approach it more easily and probably more successfully.
it’s a mere mind trick, I know.
but it’s worked the past few days.

friend
Yeah it is
But it works

moi
I mean, since Friday after Thanksgiving, I was getting trashed almost every night.

friend
The fact that you’ve changed your mindset is big

moi
but once I came to this “temporary” approach, I’ve stayed sober.
yeah, I agree.

friend
You gotta take things one day at a time.
I’m sure you’ve been told that plenty
But its totally true
Just get through one day.

 

I mean, the Thanksgiving relapse was bad. I was drinking before I was going to my rehab meetings even. what. the righteous. fuck.

so I don’t know where I’m at now. I mean, I want to stop drinking. for a small time at least.

but I want to die.  I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.  I don’t want to face my Monsters and Demons, my past and my flaws and my mistakes.  I don’t want to make amends, and I don’t want to keep fighting.

Brian tells me often that he doesn’t know of anyone who works as hard as I do to get and be Better — whether health, drinking, school, job, hobbies, with family, etc.  and that’s flattering and all.  but I’m fucking sick of trying.  why can’t I just fuck away my life like so many others?  why can’t I just be happy with being fat or weak or poor or insufficient or mediocre?  why do I always have to fucking try to be Better?  it’s getting fucking exhausting.