I think It’s coming back

I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned.  and I have caloric goals included.  well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit.  so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell.  well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons.  so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup.  shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.

I was Done.

Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made.  I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one.  but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me.  so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore.  and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.

so that’s what happened here — I was just Done.  so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep.  I didn’t eat anything.  this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal.  I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.

when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner.  that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight.  but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat.  so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.

so I’m going to try no lunches.  people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time.  so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.

yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.

I forgot how great it felt to really control something again.  I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat.  I’m going to get my ropes back.  and I’m stoked.

there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me.  I always feel lighter when I skip meals.  my insides are more vacant, they’re airy.  I walk lighter; I almost float.  I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no.  and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving.  again, I am in control.

so yeah, I think It’s coming back.  that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.

I have to be careful, though.  I can’t let It take the control as it once did.  I have to remain in charge.  I have to guide It to a happy medium between us.  and I really think I can; honestly.

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Choose Your Own Adventure

*ring ring ring*

JAMES:  *picks up phone*  “SLCC Library, James Parker speaking.”

BRIAN:  “it’s Brian.”

JAMES:  “hey.  what’s up?”

BRIAN: “you have your chiropractor appointment today, right?”

JAMES:  “yeah.  why?”

BRIAN: “that means we can’t have lunch today?”

…….

 

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED

JAMES:  “well, actually, we get to leave early.  so I’ll have enough time for lunch and still be able to run my errands and go to the chiropractor before my meeting.”

*Brian and James have a wonderful lunch together*

 

WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

JAMES:  “well, I have time.  but I’m really trying to keep my caloric intake low today, since I’ll be binging for Thanksgiving.  what did you have in mind?”

*Brian and James discuss possibilities for low-calorie lunches; they enjoy themselves*

 

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

JAMES:  “no, I guess not.”

BRIAN:  “oh, okay.”

JAMES:  “yeah.”

*awkward silence over the phone*

BRIAN:  “okay, well, I’ll see you later.”

JAMES:  “yeah, later.”

*James gets off work early and has to create excuses to keep avoiding lunch with Brian until her appointment; she experiences guilt and shame and hunger all day*

current EDNOS issues

so I posted in DreamWidth and LiveJournal in June 2013 about my ED history.  then here, on Sep 22nd, I re-posted that entry.  someone asked me how accurate that was to now.  and I gave a vague answer.

well, it’s time to be honest.

 

My Current EDNOS Struggles

right away: alcoholism.  I can tell you that my drinking is the only thing keeping me “fat” (or larger, I should say).  I eat low-carb, I don’t do sodas, I’m a veggie-fiend, I eat fruits moderately, I keep a semi-low caloric intake, I have a higher caloric out-put.  it’s really just all the alcohol.

so whereas in the past I was drinking less forsake of eating less, now I’m drinking less and eating less.

in the last two-and-a-half weeks, I’ve had all of this happen to me:  semi-long menstruation, urinary tract infection, kidney infection, stomach virus via food poisoning, severe diarrhea from antibiotics, extreme side effects from getting back on my meds, losing many responsibilities (that I enjoyed!) at my job, hearing truths that my beau will be jobless and have no PhD by the end of the year, suicidal idealizations, and a few other things I cannot shall not mention.

suffice it to say, I was struggling.  and when I struggle, for whatever reason, I stop eating.  and I did.  in four days, I consumed less than two meals.

and from 170+ lbs, I’m now at 165.  five pounds in three weeks may not be much.  but when I’ve been battling for months to lose even two, this is a great accomplishment.  my body fat percentage has even gone down from 38+ to 35.  this is great!  this is encouraging!

this is bad.  because the act that caused all this was starvation, occasional alcohol, and cutting.

so here we are, October 2014.  starting this cycle all over again.

I’m looking at fitspo and thinspo again.  I’m using my semi-secret username to visit SI and pro-ana blogs.  I’m really breaking myself apart, while trying to put myself together.

moreover, I have even less hope than I did before to get fit.  in fact, I have none.

I’m only trying still because I know when I stop, I’ll just stop everything; I’ll stop living.

 

in the meantime, here’s where you can follow my Fight:  NerdFitness blogFitBit  MyFitnessPal  Fitocracy ♠ RunKeeper  Zombies, Run!

my not-so-secret EDNOS blog?  yeah, you’ll have to look for that one….