a2z: Ffff

 

I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t decide.  I started this entry several times, focusing on different words and concepts each time.  the letter “F” has a lot of personal meaning to me.  it’s been literally carved into my skin more times than I can count.  there is no mere single word I can choose.  (not even “fuck”, lol.)

so instead, we’re doing this….

 

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Ffff

 

Feelings:  i am overwhelmed with these emotions and reactions that i cannot seem to control, do not seem to understand.
i feel it all. / numb to nothing, / i feel it all. / standing in my own, / cut and bleeding, / i feel it all.

Freedom:  this often causes me to feel like i’m trapped in my life, in this shell and these expectations.
some days aren’t yours at all. / they come and go / as if they’re someone else’s days. / they come and leave you behind someone else’s face, / and it’s harsher than yours / and colder than yours.

Flee:  i want to escape the barriers of this existence, the pain inside my mind.
i was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. / but heaven knows I’m miserable now. / “you’ve been the house too long,” she said. / and i naturally fled.

Forget:  i want to let go of my past and start anew.
sometimes i remember the darkness of my past / bringing back these memories i wish i didn’t have. / sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back, / and never moving forward so there’d never be a past.

Force:  i want to be stronger and move on, to improve and change.
reckon i’ll close the door, / pull down the curtains, stay close to the floor. / mercy is for the weak; we do not train to be merciful here. / mercy is everything I fear; we do not train to see His mercy here.

Future:  but i’m terrified of what lies ahead.
in the wastelands of today — / when tomorrow disappears, / when the Future slips away, / and your hope turns into fear / in the wastelands of today.

Fear:  this apprehension and anxiety controls so much of me, so many of my decisions; and it keeps me trapped.
time is shorter than you know. / i know the light is blinding to the naked eye. / so why don’t you take steps away from being alone? / i swear, it’s not too late for you. / so come on down, / what are you so afraid of?

Failure:  because I know i’ll just fuck something up again; i know that i’ll never be “good enough” for myself.
and i will be someone i admire. / and it’s funny how i imagined / that i could be that person now. / but that’s not what i want; / but that’s what i wanted. / and i’d be giving up somehow. / how strange to see / that i don’t wanna be the person that i want to be.

Fake:  but I try anyway; i pretend, and most people buy it.
but you’ll fight, and you’ll make it through. / you’ll Fake it if you have to. / and you’ll show up for work with a smile. / you’ll be better, you’ll be smarter, / and more grown up, and a better daughter.

Family:  even the ones i love the most believe the lies that i’m okay and i’ll make it out alright.
i cannot / run from my Family. / they’re hiding inside me, / corpses on ice. / come in if you’d like. / but just don’t tell my Family; / they’d never Forgive me. / they say that I’m crazy.

Following instructions:  that i’m a good girl, that i am responsible, and that i do as i should.
but lately you’ve been painting on the walls / with a black fire you lit, / and it’s a lie, / and i hate it. / but still you think it’s you, / so you keep it.

Fuck-up:  but none of these facades will change what i truely am.
but i’m / nothing special. I’m / not unique. I / have many secrets, and I / eat the weak.

Falling:  and i know i will continue on in this downward spiral of self-hate and disappoint.
you are the wind, the flood, and the flame. / nothing here can get in your way. / you’ve come too far to care what they say. / now you’re the only thing in your way.

Fly away:  until i finally just quit…
the pills, the windowsill, / razor blade, great escape. / so lonely, the feeling, / the slipping, the bleeding. / good lord, where are you found?

 

Ffff

gravity

re·lapse
 /'rə-laps/

verb (used without object), relapsed, relapsing
 1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.
 2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery
 3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide

noun
 4. an act or instance of relapsing
 5. a return of a disease or illness after partial recovery from it

Gravity
is working against me.
and Gravity
wants to bring me down.

I started the seven-week Townsend intensive out-patient rehabilitation program on November 6th, 2014.  my last day should could have been this Friday.  but instead, it’s been extended three weeks to January 15th.  why?  because I’ve relapsed many times since I started.  for example, one relapse lasted three days.  another occurred just this weekend at the Bowl Game.

oh, I’ll never know
what makes this man,
with all the love
that his heart can stand,
dream of ways
to Throw it all away.

so Brian and I met with the counselor (yes, the same one from a previous post) about the question of extending my treatment.

“what do you think?” the counselor asked me while we were alone.

“I think I’d like to call Brian in here.”

“that’s fine.  but why?”

“because if it’s just up to me, I’d say no, that I’m done with all this.”

“done with it?  relapsing this weekend doesn’t sound like you’ve completed the program.”

I said ‘done with’, not ‘succeeded’, you dumbass, I thought.  but instead, I said nothing and simply shrugged.

oh, twice as much
ain’t twice as good
and can’t sustain
like one have could.
it’s wanting More
that’s gonna send me to
my knees.

Brian talked about wanting me to be happy, about how I should really give the program a chance and do it correctly.  all very good points.

oh, Gravity,
stay the hell away from me.
oh, Gravity,
has taken better men than me.
(how can that be?)

but I don’t know where I stand.  Brian mentioned how he truly believes I want to get Better, but he doesn’t know/understand what I exactly I perceive to be Better — sobriety, controlling my addictions, etc.

just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where, keep me where the Light is.

but honestly, I don’t even know if I want to get Better anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  depression, addiction, borderline, OCD, anxiety, eating disorder, self-injury, bipolar, so many fucking physical ailments too … I’m feeling really outnumbered in this Battle.  and the more I fight it, the more I’m realising I just don’t care if I Win anymore.  I’m ready to Surrender just to be done with it all…

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.
~ Jacques Yves Cousteau

embarrassing email to boss

so I just sent the following email to my supervisor:

Ms. Katherine,

It plagues me to have to inform you that in the last month, I received a DUI due to new medication I was taking. I haven’t heard yet on what the repercussions will be. However, they might include a stint of incarceration. I do not know when or for how long. As soon as I learn more, I’ll let you know.

I just wanted to give you the heads up, in case the incarceration forces me to miss some days of work. I’ll look into how that would be catalogued in LOLA.

I’m terribly embarrassed about the situation, and I apologize for any inconveniences this causes.

As stated, I will keep you updated on the process.

 

ugh, this is so disgusting.

 

as I told a friend, it would be one thing if this were done on purpose, if I had actively gotten into the car drunk.  but I didn’t.  I blacked out at home, with no intention of going anywhere that night.  and this happened after only two beers.  again, we’re thinking it was mixing the meds from my stomach virus with the alcohol.

and also as I told him, however, a DUI is a DUI, no matter the circumstances.

I have to get one of those interlocking devices for my car.  and in 30 days, my license will be suspended; not sure for how long, but some cases it can be up to a full year.

 

I’m not sure what’s upsetting me more — the fact that this happened again, or the fact that I might lose my job.  I can get over the car interlock, all the money I have to pay, the embarrassment with my family, etc.  I’m not even as terrified as going to prison as I probably should be.  the community service and classes I’ll have to take, I can get over that too.  it’s the fact that I’m dealing with this all over again, and that I might lose my job over it.  hell, I may lose my job over my rehab I’ll be doing anyway.

maybe it’s better this way.  this is the longest I’ve ever held a job.  maybe it’s time to move on.

I have a meeting in just over an hour with the rehab lady, Ms Alicia.  we’ll see what she has to say.

 

hey, for what it’s worth, I haven’t cut yet over this.  I think that’s largely due because Brian would never leave my side once he got me, lol.  but yeah, hadn’t cut yet.  I don’t expect that to last very long.  but at least this long is something.

another one

An average drunk driver has driven drunk 80 times before first arrest.

Centers for Disease Control. “Vital Signs: Alcohol-Impaired Driving Among Adults — United States, 2010.” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. October 4, 2011.

 

yep.  I got a second DUI.  this time, however, I don’t remember it at all.

 

Every day in America, another 28 people die as a result of drunk driving crashes.

National Highway Traffic Safety Administration FARS data, 2013.

I don’t know what happened.  I literally blacked out.  I had two beers, was laying on the couch watching Django.  and next thing I knew, I was waking up in a prison cell.

About one-third of all drivers arrested or convicted of drunk driving are repeat offenders.

Fell, Jim. “Repeat DWI Offenders in the United States.” Washington, DC: National Department of Transportation, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration Traffic Tech No. 85, February 1995.

I don’t drink and drive anymore.  I let others drive even if I’m having just a single glass of wine.  so I don’t know what happened.

Each day, people drive drunk almost 300,000 times, but fewer than 4,000 are arrested.

Federal Bureau of Investigation. “Crime in the United States: 2012.” http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2012/crime-in-the-u.s.-2012/persons-arrested/persons-arrested.

Brian thinks it was the medicine.  the stuff I got for being a sea cucumber.  (oh wait, I never told y’all about that.  well, that’s for another time.)  anyway, he thinks it was the meds.

me?  I think it was inevitable comeuppance.

In 2012, 29.1 million people admitted to driving under the influence of alcohol – that’s more than the population of Texas.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Results from the 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Summary of National Findings, NSDUH Series H-46, HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4795. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2013.

so what am I going to do?

I suppose I’ll stop.

for now at least.

I’ll call the addiction clinic I reached out to a few months back.  I’ll talk to her.

in the meantime, I could really use another drink…..

Recent surveys indicate that non-alcoholic members of families with an alcoholic use ten times as much sick leave as families without alcoholics.  Additionally, 80% of these family members report an impaired ability to perform at work as a result of living with an alcohol abuser or alcoholic.

http://www.about-alcohol-abuse.com/Alcohol_Abuse_Statistics.html