congrats to you, Reader!

 

somehow, we made it everyone.

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been MIA from here for a while. I just don’t want to Exist. And stuff like my blog keep me chained down. I mean, that’s kinda the point — to keep me grounded when I start floating away or (as is now) sinking below. but that doesn’t mean I like it.

the weekend is almost here.  I never had issues with weekends being “too short” until this job.  at the library, I loved what I did.  here, I like it well enough.  but I enjoy not being restricted to this office.  so I dunno.

in other news, my parents and baby bro (by “baby” I merely mean “younger” — he’s 27 XD) are coming into town to visit in the middle of June.  I think I’m actually really excited about it.  😀  I’ll be exhausted once they leave, I know.  but I’m excited for them to come up here.

more than anything, I’m excited for something different.

I keep making plans on the weekends and after work to keep me interested in life.  but all it is doing is making me exhausted.  so again, I dunno.

I wanna do another DITL — “Day in the Life” is a little internet fun thing wherein you take photos of an average day for you.  coffee if you have it every morning, gym if you go regularly, your work station, etc.  it’s fun.  and it makes me be present and in the moment more during the day, so as to decide if something is worth adding to the collection.   then you post your collection on your blog, your tumblr, your Instgram, Facebook, etc.  anyone else interested in doing one with me?  we don’t have to coordinate on exactly the same day.  but knowing that someone is expecting it will keep me accountable.  :3

I suppose that’s really all for now.  I just wanted to congratulate myself and everyone reading this for making it to another Thursday.  good job, y’all!  🙂

a2z: Ffff

 

I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t decide.  I started this entry several times, focusing on different words and concepts each time.  the letter “F” has a lot of personal meaning to me.  it’s been literally carved into my skin more times than I can count.  there is no mere single word I can choose.  (not even “fuck”, lol.)

so instead, we’re doing this….

 

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Ffff

 

Feelings:  i am overwhelmed with these emotions and reactions that i cannot seem to control, do not seem to understand.
i feel it all. / numb to nothing, / i feel it all. / standing in my own, / cut and bleeding, / i feel it all.

Freedom:  this often causes me to feel like i’m trapped in my life, in this shell and these expectations.
some days aren’t yours at all. / they come and go / as if they’re someone else’s days. / they come and leave you behind someone else’s face, / and it’s harsher than yours / and colder than yours.

Flee:  i want to escape the barriers of this existence, the pain inside my mind.
i was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. / but heaven knows I’m miserable now. / “you’ve been the house too long,” she said. / and i naturally fled.

Forget:  i want to let go of my past and start anew.
sometimes i remember the darkness of my past / bringing back these memories i wish i didn’t have. / sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back, / and never moving forward so there’d never be a past.

Force:  i want to be stronger and move on, to improve and change.
reckon i’ll close the door, / pull down the curtains, stay close to the floor. / mercy is for the weak; we do not train to be merciful here. / mercy is everything I fear; we do not train to see His mercy here.

Future:  but i’m terrified of what lies ahead.
in the wastelands of today — / when tomorrow disappears, / when the Future slips away, / and your hope turns into fear / in the wastelands of today.

Fear:  this apprehension and anxiety controls so much of me, so many of my decisions; and it keeps me trapped.
time is shorter than you know. / i know the light is blinding to the naked eye. / so why don’t you take steps away from being alone? / i swear, it’s not too late for you. / so come on down, / what are you so afraid of?

Failure:  because I know i’ll just fuck something up again; i know that i’ll never be “good enough” for myself.
and i will be someone i admire. / and it’s funny how i imagined / that i could be that person now. / but that’s not what i want; / but that’s what i wanted. / and i’d be giving up somehow. / how strange to see / that i don’t wanna be the person that i want to be.

Fake:  but I try anyway; i pretend, and most people buy it.
but you’ll fight, and you’ll make it through. / you’ll Fake it if you have to. / and you’ll show up for work with a smile. / you’ll be better, you’ll be smarter, / and more grown up, and a better daughter.

Family:  even the ones i love the most believe the lies that i’m okay and i’ll make it out alright.
i cannot / run from my Family. / they’re hiding inside me, / corpses on ice. / come in if you’d like. / but just don’t tell my Family; / they’d never Forgive me. / they say that I’m crazy.

Following instructions:  that i’m a good girl, that i am responsible, and that i do as i should.
but lately you’ve been painting on the walls / with a black fire you lit, / and it’s a lie, / and i hate it. / but still you think it’s you, / so you keep it.

Fuck-up:  but none of these facades will change what i truely am.
but i’m / nothing special. I’m / not unique. I / have many secrets, and I / eat the weak.

Falling:  and i know i will continue on in this downward spiral of self-hate and disappoint.
you are the wind, the flood, and the flame. / nothing here can get in your way. / you’ve come too far to care what they say. / now you’re the only thing in your way.

Fly away:  until i finally just quit…
the pills, the windowsill, / razor blade, great escape. / so lonely, the feeling, / the slipping, the bleeding. / good lord, where are you found?

 

Ffff

quitting the game, surrendering in war

I remember when I went to the mental hospital back in April 2004. I remember my mom talking about now they have no idea how to scold me (I was 17 years old then), for fear of causing me to have an attack or to cut. she was frightened to even approach me sometimes; I could see it.

Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~ Adelle DeWitt

 

and my dad? he told me that until I got out, until things got “back to normal”, everything would have to be about me.

he said it again when I started rehab. that lots of the plans and goals he had for the family and even for his own life, they were going to have to be postponed because everything was going to be about me … again.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I don’t like reaching out. I’m capable of it, but it usually leads to negative effects in the end. and I’m tired of being the cause of bad shit in people’s lives. and in my own life, in regard to depending on others.

and I
am feeling so small.
it was over my head;
I know nothing at all.
and I
will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I also remember when Brian turned it off. when he decided it was time to stop fighting against me. and honestly, truly, I don’t blame him. I long wondered why he put up with it for so long anyway.

say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
anywhere, I
would’ve followed you.
say something; I’m giving up on you.

I remember him being in tears, telling me that — for now — he was done. he was done with it. Brian had decided that he wasn’t going to try to discourage my drinking, because the battle was too exhausting for him; he was tired of fighting.

and I
will swallow my pride.
you’re the one
that I love,
and I’m saying goodbye.

there was a boy many years ago who stole my heart. he helped me in so many ways, and he helped me at the time create myself into who and what I wanted to be. he put me on the right path. everyone considered us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, to be dating — we were carrying out all the dating rituals, even. but it wasn’t technically “official”.

I finally found the nerve to ask him, to make it official. and he said no. my Depression was too strong for him. when I hurt, he hurt. and he was tired of hurting.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
and anywhere, I would have followed you!
say something; I’m giving up on you.

well so the fuck am I. why does everyone else get to quit, everyone else gets to run away. but for them, I have to stay and fight. I have to take on this beast alone. because when I ask for help, when I start to lean, I break them.

hell, an unnamed friend of mine who I’ve known since middle school, she occasionally comments on how she’s impressed that I haven’t broken Brian yet or at least haven’t forced him to flee — because, she points out, one or other has happened to every other guy I bot officially and unofficially dated.

say something; I’m giving up on you.
say something…

if everyone else gets to quit, I do too.

I’ve been cold with Brian the last few days, distant. it’s because I’m tired of being hurt too, I’m tired of fighting. and because of my illnesses, that’s what this is turning into — constant pain and battles.

now note, I do realise the issue isn’t with these other people, but rather with me. I recognize that I’m the broken one, that I’m the damaged one. I get that if I were actually better, I’d hurt others less, and therein they’d hurt me less. but that’s not who I am, and I’m starting to realize that’s not someone I can be. rather, I’m going to be forever Damaged.

Brian said I couldn’t quit dating him for his own good. I made a promise to that.  well, we’ll just have him break up with me for his own good.  I’ll continue to be distant from him — from everyone but this blog and possibly Twitter, honestly –, and I’ll let our relationship fall apart.  then not only will he be able to leave, but then maybe he’ll leave with less guilt — because I’ll be the one who things.  as always.

I realize this is counter to “recovery”.  but it’s apparent that it’s what needs to be done.  because I don’t want to be hurt again. and because I’m tired of fighting too.

Zero Says Hi!

a few days over six years after his birthday, and Zero is still fluffy as ever.

 

ZERO’S SIXTH BIRTHDAY


November 2013

(approximately) six years ago today, a not-so-tiny ragdoll beneath the house of a friend living near me in Abbeville, Louisiana, USA. it was shortly after Hurricanes Gustav and Ike. she knew I had been wanting a cat. and he appeared.

he was nervous, frightened, and defensive. but then I held him. and immediately, he calmed. he began purring. and I knew I had found my child.


May 2009

it’s been a long six years for me. numerous moves, two different boyfriends, jail time and a DUI, several hospital visits, many jobs, and an uncountable amount of medication and doctor bills. I’ve considered suicide a few times over the years. I’ve considered uprooting and just driving away to nowhere.


Janurary 2009

but he prevents that. I couldn’t leave him. and I have to support him. I have to provide for him. I can’t properly love him if I’m not alive.

he’s been through a lot with me. emotional and physical abuse, drunken nights of stupor, a really bad break up, despair, depression, manias, panic attacks, restless nights, sleepy days, anhedonia, addictions, self-injury, tears, starvation.


September 2009

but he’s also been there when I’m laughing, when I’m cuddling with him, throwing him in the air, giving him tuna, showing him off to friends, taking photos and videos of him, people asking about visiting him. his purrs, his shedding, even his hairballs — they all keep me going.

I know plenty of people who tell me having a cat is nothing like having a human child. I don’t really care. because Zero is sufficient. Zero is perfect. and Zero is my baby, my reason for waking up every morning.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZERO!!