no passion

I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly.  these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.

I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.

I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.

I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.

I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.

I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less 

Fitness Update!!

it’s No-vember for me — no alcohol (or energy drinks) at all!  I’m gonna do my best.  I’ll fail sometimes; I know I will.  but that doesn’t mean I won’t try.  (I know at the least I’ll cut back, lol.)

as such, I’m tweaking my Guidelines.  they are adapted below.

MISSION: ultimately, I will achieve a body weight under 135 lbs and a body fat percentage under 25.

Guidelines

Alcohol

  • No-vember = No alcohol or energy drinks

Exercise

  • Mon, Wed, Fri; afternoon: DDR or bike, even for just ten minutes

Diet

  • log all foods when eating them
  • cook on weekends
  • aim for low-carb
  • have maximum fast food once a week
  • have maximum caffeinated beverage once a day (must be prior to 1000h)

Miscellaneous Goals

  • 2 liters of water a day

Numbers

(Starting // Goal)

  • Weight:  168.5 lbs // 130 lbs
  • Body Fat:  37.2% // 18.0%
  • BMI:  27.2 // 21.0

Other Stats

  • Height: 5’6″
  • BMR: approx 1573.1 kcal (at 170lbs)
  • Daily Consumption Goal: 1200 kcal
  • Daily Expenditure Goal: 200 kcal

Links

Explanation

I’ve found that the 6-week set-up of the NerdFitness Challenges are not the format that will work best for me.  I look at each Challenge as a separate attempt; and when I reach the end with little progress having been made, I classify the entire batch of effort as a failure.

instead, I will now catalogue my endeavours in a on-going thread here in the Battle Logs.  this will allow me to perceive my labour as a long-term, on-going adventure, rather than short bursts of suckiness.

the Guidelines will vary throughout the months, as things in my life change.  the 6-week structure did not allow that kindly; rather, a more growing and organic approach should.