no passion

I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly.  these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.

I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.

I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.

I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.

I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.

I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less 

~REBLOGGED~ One Order of Darkness, Please!

beautiful piece on why sometimes we stay Ill.

my two favourite bits are quotes below:

Darkness is, in my attempt to explain, not the lack of light. It is not the lack of love or the lack of compassion but rather the lack of hope. Darkness in my mind is a simple place without much adornment that allows me to feel not just sad, not just depressed, but allows me to fall deep into my own internal soul and put the world far away. It is a place that gives me permission to not have all the answers and it is a place that gives me permission to not have to be what all those I love hope for me to be.

My darkness which makes bottle of pills very attractive also blocks out much of the world. There is no expectations in this darkness but rather the need to be nothing.

The Truth Ache

secretI will let you in on a secret. I will tell you a secret about myself that I don’t talk about, that I don’t think about, but live with. I am sorry to say it isn’t a dirty little secret nor will anyone be that astonished. It may not be understood by anyone, but it is my reality. And the secret is…I like the darkness.

Let me back up a couple of steps so that you can understand. There are important steps to know when coming not only to terms with your own mental illness but when you have teach others about the diseases. Trying to entertain while still teaching about a subject I know like the back of my brain without scaring my family (and husband) out of their wits is difficult. There are certain truths that you have to lightly touch on and others that you simply have…

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~REBLOGGED~ Born to Succeed!

Audio SeXXX

Here’s a motivational video that gets me pumped in the morning! Let me know what you think.

Dont forget to check out the latest video on my channel as well

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“Running from Crazy”



Running from Crazy


Mariel Hemingway, an author, actress and a model, is the grand daughter of the accomplished writer Ernest Hemingway. She comes from a family with a long history of mental illness. Seven members of her family died by suicide, including her grandfather and her sister. As you can imagine, growing up in that environment, was difficult. She is now speaking up about her experience as the “clean up” girl, as she reflects on the dysfunction and silence surrounding mental illness within her family. Mariel has partnered with two-time Academy Award-winning filmmaker Barbara Kopple, to produce a documentary that examines her personal journey as she strives for a greater understanding of her complex family history. In addition to the documentary, in this brief talk, she speaks about the guilt, fear, and chaos that was present throughout her childhood, and her mission to address these issues so they don’t affect her own daughters and many other families in a similar situation. Her talk is inspiring, and her dedication to mental wellness is admirable. I hope you have some time to have a look at this short video and share your thoughts.