the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.

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a major medication mess-up

WOW. ¬†so I managed to really fuck up being an adult. ¬†I made a great discovery last night when I was dishing out my next two weeks of pills into each day’s three packet-things. ¬†I was putting my vitamin C’s in my morning spots, when I noticed one said “200” on it. ¬†I looked further, and I noticed a wide variety of different pills in the large bottle, such as “APO | QUE 200” and “905“. ¬†if you clicked the links, you know where I fucked up. ¬†if not, here it is:

I WAS TAKING 200MG OF SEROQUEL EVERY MORNING instead of my vitamin C.  O_O

for those of y’all who don’t know, Seroquel is an antipsychotic that is famous for the “Seroquel Zombie” side effect. ¬†it also causes extreme drowsiness, feeling generally “spacey” or “out of it”, flu-like symptoms, GI issues, weight gain, et cetera, et cetera.

and the best part of all this — I have no clue for how long I’ve been taking 200mg of Seroquel every morning on an empty stomach. ¬†XD

I need to call both my psychiatrist and my therapist and tell them about this little, uh,¬†hiccup. ¬†but I’m not sure how to do that. ¬†I’ll text my therapist tomorrow (not sure if 9pm is too late for her on a work night) and ask when is a good time for a few minutes to talk. ¬†I guess I just leave a message for my psychiatrist’s nurse, who I don’t know at all.

I suppose maybe this is why I was so tired last week when I was not taking any of my morning medication because I am irresponsible and moronic. ¬†maybe that’s why I then started becoming very manic. ¬†maybe that’s¬†why I just feel like I’m starting to spiral down in the can’t-focus-look-a-squirrel-omg-I-want-to-cry-because-life-is-horrible route. just¬†ugh.

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops. ¬†so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course). ¬†also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous¬†times in the last two weeks. ¬†however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three. ¬†~sighs~

I’ve been totally¬†exhausted lately. ¬†like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds. ¬†that’s actually what¬†led to my forgetting to take them. ¬†over the weekend, I just got really, really tired. ¬†then Monday morning, I sleep in until I¬†absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready. ¬†and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week. ¬†today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds. ¬†I’d be late if I had turned around though. ¬†and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them. ¬†“it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one¬†knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand. ¬†(the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals. ¬†I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.) ¬†so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now. ¬†he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it. ¬†I did my best not to have an¬†emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded. ¬†but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all. ¬†I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him. ¬†and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off. ¬†but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning. ¬†I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me. ¬†I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage. ¬†I “see” myself doing and saying things. ¬†I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system. ¬†maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake. ¬†maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon. ¬†that would be a nice change of pace. ¬†I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while. ¬†though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired. ¬†like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.” ¬†an me being too tired to analyze something¬†— not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now. ¬†I’m just really off kilter. ¬†and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

an update

I think my last real and personal update was from back at the beginning of March.¬† since then, it’s been reblogging, sharing articles, or just general whining.¬† so I suppose it’s time for another recap.¬† I’ll try to keep this one short.¬† (ha!)

 

legally

my previous court date was March 18th.¬† three movements were approved: make S my lawyer, be given all of the prosecutor’s evidence against me, and push my sentencing date back until sometime in May.¬† so we have until May 6th to make a case for myself.¬† S is optimistic; Brian is realistic; and I am ever the pessimist.¬† (actually, the neurologist (details later) commented on how I was even more pessimistic than he was about something, and he’s apparently the most pessimistic person his lot knows, lol.¬† I’ll keep my Prince of Pessimism crown, thank you.)

my payment for S’s assistance is not monetary.¬† rather, he’s using my librarian and research skills to help him scour the earth for ancient archives about waterfowl in southern Louisiana.¬† ugh.¬† I made a lot of progress Tuesday, but there’s still countless shits to be done.¬† some of this is going to require a two hour drive to [redacted] to look through their newspaper’s physical archives — and my “physical archives”, I mean they just took print copies of their issues and put them in binders then stuck them on shelves.¬† O_O¬† the newspaper’s editors, owners, and publishers are all a single married couple.¬† then there’s two people who help write, and one person who created their website.¬† I’d totally post the link and all, but I need to not piss them off before I can get information from them, lol!!¬† (I really am a bad person.¬† :/ )

 

neurologist appointment

I saw the neurologist this past Monday.¬† apparently the seizure a few weeks ago and the stroke about a decade ago were actually fits that occurred because I have convulsive syncope.¬† wut?¬† so I did some research.¬† however, everything that came up in my initial quick search is either also like “IDK” or is too technical for me to comprehend.¬† so I’ll do a more thorough investigation later (such as my school’s databases and the like).¬† I may also contact the office again and ask for public or academic sources so I can gleam more information.

anyway, the EEG they did showed it’s nothing too major.¬† staying on anti-epileptic medication should fend it off.¬† and if I get have to get off the meds, I need to taper off more slowly than otherwise, just in case.¬† he said I may have another fit in a decade or two, but it’s nothing too terrible.¬† O_o

additionally, he noted that women in their teens to early twenties and old people are usually those who suffer, so I’m kinda an oddball here.¬† my mom (who was with me) and I just shrugged, “par for the course”.


library changes

due to employment rules and bullshit, I can’t say too much.¬† but things are really changing at the library.¬† the chain of command above my boss have been remodeled — to the point that we’re not really sure what’s going on.¬† my supervisor’s boss is emailing us about projects and stuff.¬† not wanting to go over my supervisor’s head, we peons are hesitant to engage the new boss; however, we also don’t want to seem aloof or incompetent to someone who has more power.¬† yay office politics!

secondly, on top of all this, we were supposed to be getting rid of Joule.¬† backstory: Joule, a child of Moodle, is an online software that allows instructors and students to interact, exchange files, take and grade tests, communicate via messages and forums, submit and grade homework, input and review grades, etc.¬† why the library is in charge, who the fuck knows?¬† we are not connected to the instructors nor to IT.¬† this should be one of their babies, not ours.¬† but whatever, we’ve been dealing with Joule forever now.

well, the contract with Joule is ending, and the school is going to be picking up Canvas, a similar software hosted by a different company.¬† we were thankful to be done with that monster (as there really needs to be a person whose sole job is Joule, rather than making it one of the many responsibilities of a person in a random different department).¬† but now, with boss’s boss coming in (he was originally just over IT, but recently picked us up too), he wants us to take over Canvas, plus all the other projects he wants us to do.

did I mention, by the way, one of our librarians was fired last month.¬† so we’ll be doing all this with fewer personnel too.¬† D:

 

Properties Control Technician

¬†however, none of this may apply to me in the near future.¬† again, I can’t say much, but I may get getting an interview for the school’s Properties Control Technician position.¬† basically, this position keeps track of and regulate all of the property that SLCC currently has as well as records and distribute those that are incoming.¬† the person is pretty involved with Accounting, but also dabbles in the business of basically everywhere else.¬† purchasing, receipts, vouchers, shipment, etc.

I have this experience on a smaller scale with multiple companies.¬† but I also was doing it alone, so I had to self-train and create my own system.¬† my only concern is that it involves traveling to other campuses — and I no longer have a valid license.¬† I know the Properties Control Manager; when he mentioned trying to get me an interview for this Friday, I was honest about the lack of driving ability (he already knew about the pending DUI charges).¬† paraphrasing, he said, “I do most of the traveling.¬† so if you do get hired, we’d figure something out.”¬† O_o

another caveat is that the guy who had this position before — he’s a good friend of mine.¬† he’s somewhat of an emotional an illogical bloke, so it crossed my mind that he may be angry or offended if I get the job from which he was fired less than two months ago.¬† but then again, I’m a bitch, I’m in serious debt, and I’m not emotional (in that sense), so fuck it, lol.

oh, and did I mention this: $31,000 salary?!  :DDDDDDDDD

 

Brian’s jobs

¬†Brian’s been as diligent as his ADD ass can be about applying for jobs.¬† simultaneously, he’s been taking a lot of substituting, tutoring, and proctoring jobs during the day.¬† he subbed for two weeks at a middle school; he proctored the LEAP test for elementary kids last week; and he tutors for about two hours every Sunday.

this Friday (holy shit, that’s tomorrow), he’ll be trekking out to Houston for some kind of job fair.

there’s also some company he applied to for something-something-Math-something.¬† apparently they’re looking for technical writers too; he sent me the link.¬† I’ve been told by several people that I should pursue technical writing, so I will at least look into it.¬† ::shrugs::

 

electronics

for a while now (like, maybe two weeks?), my cell phone would not accept calls.¬† a recording would come on to the caller saying that I wasn’t accepting calls and fuck you.¬† (paraphrasing, of course.)¬† so I spent two hours yesterday morning on the internet, on my cell, on my work phone talking to customer service, talking to Mum, and talking to Dad, trying to sort this fucking shit out.¬† AND SUCCESS!!¬† I CAN RECEIVE CALLS AGAIN!¬† however, said cell phone still has a battery life of only two hours.¬† so that’s on the to-do list now.¬† but hey, like I said, at least I can receive calls and voice mails.¬† (that’s right; people couldn’t even leave a fucking voice mail previously.)

I got two buddies of mine helping me amp up my PC.¬† I’ve got some great games on Steam that I can’t play, and it’s causing me distress.¬† details undecided, so updates pending.

 

bad habits + (hypo)manias

I’ve been good about the not drinking.¬† it’s still hard, as it’s my coping mechanism.¬† and not being on any goddamn antidepressants or anxiety meds, it’s making emotional/mental and stress management nigh impossible.¬† there have been days wherein I just go to bed at 7pm or so in attempts to no exist; often that works.¬† but other days, I’m too anxious to really be able to do that.¬† I typically trudge through the evening in those cases.¬† though on the rare occasion, I break down and have a few beers.

the cutting.¬† it’s legitimately returned.¬† it’s no longer a tease, a possibility.¬† it’s now a realistic option.¬† I haven’t gotten out of hand or terribly irresponsible with it.¬† however, bandages and scar tape are no longer under the sink, but now remain on top of the counter due to easy access for frequent usage.

I’m noticing other manic symptoms returning.¬† though my auditory hallucinations aren’t terrible yet, I believe they are returning.¬† as usually, it starts with just buzzing, beeping, screeching, or talking.¬† later it evolves.¬† I honestly do not typically get concerned until the next phase; rather, right now, I just observe.

but the counting, the washing, the cleaning, the arranging — all of my OCD tendencies are heightened.¬† I’m washing my hands unnecessarily.¬† I use hand sanitizer, wash my hands, then sanitize again in single session.¬† I’m counting things whose amounts I need not know.¬† I’m lining up and rearranging office supplies and furniture, both at home and at work.

and the patience.¬† I have none.¬† I want to stab Brian in his fucking eyeball with a rusty spoon everytime he flubs up, even just a little.¬† when Sean says something in passing that I can’t hear, I want to scream at him “STOP FUCKING MUTTERING!”¬† when a student asks a question, I’m fine; but when they disregard or criticize my solution or when the same person re-asks the fucking question, it’s all I can do to not kick them in the shin and then put their fingers in our paper cutter.

Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things.¬† I call this emotion “crying” and not “sadness” because that’s all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying.¬† My brain had partially learned how to be sad again, but it took the feeling out for a joy ride before it had learned how to use the brakes or steer.
~ Hyperbole and a Half

eventually, everything attempts to bring me to tears, even if I don’t actually really care.¬† a commercial, food, a comment, I just breakdown.¬† I think it’s just an overwhelming amount of emotions — stress, anger, sadness, mania, irritation, hopefulness, love, etc. — that are trying to get out, and fucking tears are the only way they can manage to get around my barriers.¬† Sean himself said something to the effect of how I don’t let myself feel things.¬† he’s all too accurate; and anyone who’s really known me for any length of time understands I’ve been like from the start, and I’ll probably always remain this way.





word vomit update

dude, so much has been going on lately.¬† I’ll guess I’ll do a brief, list-formed summary, as I’ve much to do.

 

to start it off….

I had a seizure a little over two weeks ago.¬† 5am, I go to the bathroom to fill my water bottle.¬† I get dizzy en route, nothing major at first.¬† but by the time I’m at the sink, I can tell it’s going to be a big one.¬† so I put the toilet lid down and sit.¬† next thing I know, I’m balled up on the floor in Brian’s arms with him distantly calling out to me.¬† I can’t speak; my tongue is heavy.¬† I can’t hug or tap him to let him know I’m fine, because neither my arms nor legs will move.¬† and I’m still dizzy, so my head is heavy and wobbly.¬† and now suddenly, I’m nauseous (which, by the way, is one of the most difficult words to ever have to spell).

I finally respond, just barely, that I need to puke.¬† so he helps me lean over the toilet, and I let go.¬† by the time I’m done vomiting, I can actually communicate.¬† “what the fuck?” was, of course, my first words.

“I think you had a seizure.”

“…a … I what?”

“a seizure.¬† I think you just had a seizure.”¬† apparently, when I sat down on the toilet, I passed out and collapsed between it and the tub.¬† the sound woke up, but he figured I just had a slight fall.¬† then he hears a repeating thumping noise.¬† he goes to see and finds me between the tub and toilet.¬† when he finally pulls me out, my eyes were rolling in the back of my head and I was convulsing (thus the repeated thumping).¬† he said it was a good 30-45 minutes between his calling out to me and my actually responding.

he called into work for me, telling what happened, and that I’d be in when I could.¬† my boss said stay home all day, lol.¬† so I did.¬† and I slept on the bathroom until 1pm or so because everytime I sat up, I got so dizzy I threw up again.¬† even while lying on the floor, I was dizzy.

everyone finally convinces me to go to the doctor.¬† well, he wants to send me to a neurologist.¬† when he asked if I’d been to one before, I answered, “not really.¬† I got an MRI done a week after a stroke I had about six years ago.¬† but never a neurologist.”¬† that was apparently the wrong thing to say, because he then insisted I see a head doc.¬† that appointment is in two weeks now.¬† in the meantime, he put me (back) on anti-seizure medication, which are also mood stabilizers.

yet still meanwhile, this past Monday, I had all the dizzy and nauseous symptoms again.¬† though this time, there was no severe passing out or convulsions.¬† so I guess that’s an improvement.

and just think: this is only the first fucking topic of my oh-so wonderful Life Updates.

….ugh.

 

DUI

talked to a real lawyer today (not a public defender who blows you off and doesn’t give a fuck about you but takes your money anyway).¬† he said things are going to be bad, but possible not as bad as we thought.

said lawyer had me get all kinds of paperwork and write up several reports.¬† I’ve gotten lots of that done already.

apparently, “this is going to cost,” he said.¬† “but not money; don’t worry about that.¬† since you work at a library, I’ll have you do some volunteer work for a non-profit I’m involved in.¬† you’ll work in archives with newspapers and stuff.”¬† dude, this guy has no idea that this is one of the things I actually want to do for the rest of my life??

anyway.¬† another thing I learned from him is the interpretation of the license paperwork.¬† apparently I will not be able to drive a vehicle as of March 15th (that’s not this Sunday, but the next).¬† I can apply for a Restricted License, which will probably allow me to go to work, selected medical appointments (like my monthly visit you’ll soon read about), and maybe even the grocery store.¬† but otherwise, that’ll be it.

I’m not sure how terribly upset I am about that.¬† everytime I’ve gotten into the driver’s seat lately, I’ve wanted to take it off a bridge, into high-speed on-coming traffic, into a concrete wall, etc.¬† so I’m thinking I really shouldn’t be behind the driver’s wheel too much anyway.¬† (and also, it’s not like I go anywhere or do anything anymore anyhow. (and that was a lot of “any-“s….) )

 

medication

as per my psychiatrist’s and Brian’s request (the latter of which was not shared with me until my psych pulled it out with a few teeth), I contacted Townsend about going back to just the doctor, not the bullshit therapy too.

they said it’s been too long, but I could look into seeing a clinic that adopts the Townsend perspective.¬† so I contacted them.

$250 per visit (usually monthly), and they don’t take insurance.¬† I can, however, make the claim myself.¬† apparently most people get at least something back.

mind you, this excludes the medication itself.  O_o  if you recall, they had me on seven different meds, most of which I was taking twice a day and two even three times a day.  one of which, additionally so, was over $150 for only 30 days.  O_O

so yeah, all of the fucking money — which I don’t fucking have.

 

jobs

Brian got his first substitution job yesterday.¬† so he’s teaching three hours at UL on Thursday nights and will work with 8th graders for about two weeks while the teacher is out on maternity leave.

as of right now, I still have a job.¬† however, in a two-week period, six people at SLCC were let go (one of which was a coworker here in the library!).¬† we’re not technically in a layoffs, but I think they’re preparing for it.

I had my mid-year review with Katherine, and she’s very pleased with my improvements.¬† I also had a chance to explain myself (regarding my boredom), and she agreed to give me back a few of my old duties, plus help out Bill with a bunch of his.¬† so I’ve been extra busy at work, and I’m fucking loving it.

while helping Bill out, he mentioned how I could probably grow into a great technical writer.¬† so I’m looking into free technical writing classes.¬† sure, it won’t really be able to go on my resume.¬† but I could honestly say I have knowledge and practice of it.¬† ::shrugs::¬† it’s a direction.

I’m also considering trying out for the Cracked.com writing team.¬† I’m just not sure I’d ever find the correct tone of humour they want.¬† but hey, maybe the editors could direct me some in that….¬† anyway, just researching right now — nothing too serious.

 

moolah

I’ve filed for a determent in paying back my student loans.¬† I sent in my paychecks, my hospital bills, my credit bills, etc.¬† all the different reasons as to why I’m poor as fuck (other than evidence of my not being able to balance my income with Brian’s lifestyle).¬† so yeah, crossing my fingers on that.

meanwhile, I created a nice little spreadsheet to better track my finances.¬† I think, because of my situation, it will work better for me than those most people create.¬† this is not a budget, but more like a log.¬† it focuses more on what I currently have than on what I spent where — which is what I need currently.

 

electronics

I don’t know what the righteous fuck is going on, but everything that plugs into the wall and/or runs on batteries around me has been committing suicide — my car battery dies at least once very other week; the phone my dad is letting me borrow won’t hold a charge, no matter the battery (he bought extra) nor charger combinations I’ve used; my PC can’t play most of my games anymore; Brians’ computer has been randomly shutting down recently; the internet has been unusually slow; even my iPod is trying to give out.¬† I mean, fuck, IT came to look at my work computer, and now even that fucker is on the fritz!!¬† BAH.

I’m ready to just go live in the woods — no cars, no bikes, no liquor, no people, etc.

 

Bad Habits

so guess who’s eating disorder is coming back pretty strong?¬† oh yeah, this girl.¬† I’m restricting, though not terribly so yet.¬† but the fear and guilt and obsession are over-powering.¬† when Brian and I went to dinner for Date Nite Tuesday, I just stared at my food for a while before I could eat.¬† “oh, I’m just letting it cool down, is all,” I told him when he inquired.¬† in reality, I was preparing myself for the barrage of self-hate I was about to both experience and inflict.

I’ve returned to one of my homey ED sites.¬† I’m posting regularly, participating in challenges, etc.¬† hell, I even hosted my own mini challenge at one point.

I try to keep my caloric intake between 500 and 1000 — so I’m not actually starving myself, but also so I can minimize the self-hate.

I’m checking the scale every morning for sure, and typically everytime I use my home bathroom, and most nights.¬† I only record the morning one, though, as I know food and exercise influence weight and body fat.

when I was sick Monday, I got excited Tuesday morning at how low the scale read.¬† I knew it wasn’t going to last; but I basked in the joy I felt for the day.

it’s no secret: I’m overweight.¬† I’m not “fat” in the medical sense; but I am overweight.¬† I’ve and average of 34% body fat and 25.7 BMI.¬† so I’m not medically fat, but I’m bigger than both what is healthy and what I want.

anyway.¬† I’ve started obsessing with that.¬† I’m checking my ED forums and chats at work on my iPod every often.

meanwhile, today, I packed some extra bandages and a second razor to work.¬† I keep a little blade in my wallet all times, for “emergencies”.¬† a few smaller bandaids too.¬† in those cases, just a knick or two will siffice.¬† however, today was a Wound day, as in I snatched some of the larger bandage pads from my bathroom and snuck them along with me, just in case.

yeah, my SI hasn’t really officially returned (I’ve only just once or twice in the last few months, and only one session of hair-pulling).¬† but it’s teasing it.

 

so the good news!

fuck, this is all depressing.  so what good things have been going on?

well, as stated, I’ve picked up extra assignments at work.¬† and I’ve really impressed Bill with my timeliness, my skills, and products’ outputs.¬† of course, there’s a few tweaks to be made along the way so that they fit his overall picture better.¬† but typically, he’s greatly pleased with what I bring him.

I’ve updated my resume.¬† I also cleaned it up some.¬† I had the same boring style from back when I started college.¬† it was time for something fresh and more executive-like.¬† I’m still tweaking it, as the style is forcing the font to be small (or maybe I’m still including too much shit on it — which is actually what I think is going on).¬† anyway, if anyone wants to be a sweetheart and review it for me to provide suggestions, I’d fucking adore you for it!!¬† I think this link will take you to it: Parker-James-Christine_337-349-3009 .¬† that one specifically is for a generic office manager job.¬† like I said, I have a lot in it I can remove.¬† and then I’m going to edit it further for the technical writing jobs.¬† I’ll hit up people again to review that one.¬† (also, please let me know if the formatting open fonky for you!!)

ugh, and then I need to create a portfolio.¬† I need a collection of shit I’ve done — papers I’ve written, instruction manuals I’ve designed, projects I’ve completed, ideas I’ve birthed, stats I’ve achieves, etc.¬† any suggestions?? ūüėÄ

another good thing is getting my cat back.¬† :3 ¬† Zero had been at my parents’ place for over three weeks.¬† well, last weekend, I finally found the time and umph to snag him back home.¬† and OMG, was that cat fucking glued to me.¬† XD¬† I loved it, but at the same time it was like, “kitteh, I haz werk to do.”¬† so yeah, having my little butthead back has been nice.

Sean’s still crashing at our place.¬† without sharing too much of his personal life, his job is dragging their ass on paying him, so he’s in a tight spot.¬† between my falling apart and him having no money, it behooves us both to keep him here, lol.¬† but the lack of money really has him both depressed and concerned at the moment.¬† so in order to distract each of us, we watch various movies and shows together sometimes.¬† one such movie was Under the Skin.¬† if you’re going to look into it, do it as home as this is movie is amazing but sooooo NSFW, lol!!¬† all of the nekked Scarlett Johansson.¬† I mean, sexalicious.¬† but totally not something you want your boss to see you checking out while on the clock, lol.¬† (though if you do ever watch it without reading the spoilers first, let me know what your theory/take on the movie is.¬† :D)

I can’t find my Manifesto — the file in which I wrote up my short- and long-term goals, daily plans, virtues of life, etc.¬† I’m not sure this is a bad thing.¬† maybe it’s signifying a need to start over.¬† so I am.¬† a new file, a new outlook, etc.¬† and real goals too — such as get the fuck outta Louisiana….

ah, speaking of Louisiana — the recent weather.¬† it was finally warming up some.¬† until today, wherein it sneauxed.¬† ugh.¬† I suppose this is what most would actually just call a flurry or something.¬† but whatever, ice solidified and fell from the sky.¬† sneaux in Louisiana is so fucking uncommon, there’s even a gaddamn Wikipedia article about it!¬† XDDDD

 

so I guess that’s basically all that’s going on in my life.¬† sorry for the word vomit, but y’all know by now that’s kinda my style.

embarrassing email to boss

so I just sent the following email to my supervisor:

Ms. Katherine,

It plagues me to have to inform you that in the last month, I received a DUI due to new medication I was taking. I haven’t heard yet on what the repercussions will be. However, they might include a stint of incarceration. I do not know when or for how long. As soon as I learn more, I’ll let you know.

I just wanted to give you the heads up, in case the incarceration forces me to miss some days of work. I’ll look into how that would be catalogued in LOLA.

I’m terribly embarrassed about the situation, and I apologize for any inconveniences this causes.

As stated, I will keep you updated on the process.

 

ugh, this is so disgusting.

 

as I told a friend, it would be one thing if this were done on purpose, if I had actively gotten into the car drunk.¬† but I didn’t.¬† I blacked out at home, with no intention of going anywhere that night.¬† and this happened after only two beers.¬† again, we’re thinking it was mixing the meds from my stomach virus with the alcohol.

and also as I told him, however, a DUI is a DUI, no matter the circumstances.

I have to get one of those interlocking devices for my car.  and in 30 days, my license will be suspended; not sure for how long, but some cases it can be up to a full year.

 

I’m not sure what’s upsetting me more — the fact that this happened again, or the fact that I might lose my job.¬† I can get over the car interlock, all the money I have to pay, the embarrassment with my family, etc.¬† I’m not even as terrified as going to prison as I probably should be.¬† the community service and classes I’ll have to take, I can get over that too.¬† it’s the fact that I’m dealing with this all over again, and that I might lose my job over it.¬† hell, I may lose my job over my rehab I’ll be doing anyway.

maybe it’s better this way.¬† this is the longest I’ve ever held a job.¬† maybe it’s time to move on.

I have a meeting in just over an hour with the rehab lady, Ms Alicia.¬† we’ll see what she has to say.

 

hey, for what it’s worth, I haven’t cut yet over this.¬† I think that’s largely due because Brian would never leave my side once he got me, lol.¬† but yeah, hadn’t cut yet.¬† I don’t expect that to last very long.¬† but at least this long is something.