medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.


in the long run

I have been weak of Spirit and Body for several days now.  I even took a half day at work on Wednesday because of how unwell I felt.  now, I wouldn’t call it a depressive phase, because that’s something a little different for me.  but I wasn’t sure what this was until this morning.

I take what I’ve heard referred to as Medication Cocktails — so many meds that interact in such odd ways, that sometimes missing one pill with throw things all out of whack.  some of my medications are for my Crazies — bipolar, OCD, and anxiety.  some of them are for my various sleeping disorders, such as hyperactive REM or RLS.  others are generic vitamins because there’s no sun here, my body doesn’t process things correctly, or I’m more susceptible to certain ailments and maladies.  some of those pills I have to take at the same time every single day.  others, I can miss here or there and nothing major happens.

well, I have been out of my iron supplements for over a week.  I didn’t think these to be very important to my daily well being.  I’ve been on them so long, I don’t even think about it as a medication or supplement — it’s just part of my everyday life.  but being without it for several days, as well as the additional pill that helps my body absorb iron in general — I can feel it.

I’m weak.  I get dizzy every time I rise or turn too quickly.  I have no physical energy.  I am shaky and pale and cold.  my mind is fuzzy, and I have no willpower.

I undervalue medications that aren’t for my Crazies, because I don’t see them as necessary for survival.  instead, I see them as just making my life easier, less challenging.  it’s like using a cheat code in a game to give you extra health.

but some of my non-Crazy meds are still required for my being able to function.  and I suppose this lengthy post was a reminder that even the small medications count.


similarly, I need to remember that even the small efforts count.  I didn’t work out at all this morning.  I could’ve at least walked for 20 minutes.  but I didn’t, because I didn’t think it would matter.  and maybe just for today, it didn’t.  but having worked out only once in the last week, that does make a difference.

so I need to refill my iron.  and then I need to go back to the gym.  and then I need to remember that the little things count in the long run.