the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.


in the long run

I have been weak of Spirit¬†and Body for several days now. ¬†I even took a half day at work on Wednesday because of how unwell I felt. ¬†now, I wouldn’t call it a depressive phase, because that’s something a little different for me. ¬†but I wasn’t sure what this was until this morning.

I take what I’ve heard referred to as Medication Cocktails — so many meds that interact in such odd ways, that sometimes missing one pill with throw things all out of whack. ¬†some of my medications are for my Crazies — bipolar, OCD, and anxiety. ¬†some of them are for my various sleeping disorders, such as hyperactive REM or RLS. ¬†others are generic vitamins because there’s no sun here, my body doesn’t process things correctly, or I’m more susceptible to certain ailments and maladies. ¬†some of those pills I¬†have to take at the same time every single day. ¬†others, I can miss here or there and nothing major happens.

well, I have been out of my iron supplements for over a week. ¬†I didn’t think these to be very important to my daily well being. ¬†I’ve been on them so long, I don’t even think about it as a medication or supplement — it’s just part of my everyday life. ¬†but being without it for several days, as well as the additional¬†pill that helps my body absorb iron in general — I can feel it.

I’m weak. ¬†I get dizzy every time I rise or turn too quickly. ¬†I have no physical energy. ¬†I am shaky and pale and cold. ¬†my mind is fuzzy, and I have no willpower.

I undervalue medications that aren’t for my Crazies, because I don’t see them as necessary for survival. ¬†instead, I see them as just making my life easier, less challenging. ¬†it’s like using a cheat code in a game to give you extra health.

but some of my non-Crazy meds are still required for my being able to function.  and I suppose this lengthy post was a reminder that even the small medications count.


similarly, I need to remember that even the small efforts count. ¬†I didn’t work out at all this morning. ¬†I could’ve at least walked for 20 minutes. ¬†but I didn’t, because I didn’t think it would matter. ¬†and maybe just for today, it didn’t. ¬†but having worked out only once in the last week, that does make a¬†difference.

so I need to refill my iron.  and then I need to go back to the gym.  and then I need to remember that the little things count in the long run.

an update

I think my last real and personal update was from back at the beginning of March.¬† since then, it’s been reblogging, sharing articles, or just general whining.¬† so I suppose it’s time for another recap.¬† I’ll try to keep this one short.¬† (ha!)



my previous court date was March 18th.¬† three movements were approved: make S my lawyer, be given all of the prosecutor’s evidence against me, and push my sentencing date back until sometime in May.¬† so we have until May 6th to make a case for myself.¬† S is optimistic; Brian is realistic; and I am ever the pessimist.¬† (actually, the neurologist (details later) commented on how I was even more pessimistic than he was about something, and he’s apparently the most pessimistic person his lot knows, lol.¬† I’ll keep my Prince of Pessimism crown, thank you.)

my payment for S’s assistance is not monetary.¬† rather, he’s using my librarian and research skills to help him scour the earth for ancient archives about waterfowl in southern Louisiana.¬† ugh.¬† I made a lot of progress Tuesday, but there’s still countless shits to be done.¬† some of this is going to require a two hour drive to [redacted] to look through their newspaper’s physical archives — and my “physical archives”, I mean they just took print copies of their issues and put them in binders then stuck them on shelves.¬† O_O¬† the newspaper’s editors, owners, and publishers are all a single married couple.¬† then there’s two people who help write, and one person who created their website.¬† I’d totally post the link and all, but I need to not piss them off before I can get information from them, lol!!¬† (I really am a bad person.¬† :/ )


neurologist appointment

I saw the neurologist this past Monday.¬† apparently the seizure a few weeks ago and the stroke about a decade ago were actually fits that occurred because I have convulsive syncope.¬† wut?¬† so I did some research.¬† however, everything that came up in my initial quick search is either also like “IDK” or is too technical for me to comprehend.¬† so I’ll do a more thorough investigation later (such as my school’s databases and the like).¬† I may also contact the office again and ask for public or academic sources so I can gleam more information.

anyway, the EEG they did showed it’s nothing too major.¬† staying on anti-epileptic medication should fend it off.¬† and if I get have to get off the meds, I need to taper off more slowly than otherwise, just in case.¬† he said I may have another fit in a decade or two, but it’s nothing too terrible.¬† O_o

additionally, he noted that women in their teens to early twenties and old people are usually those who suffer, so I’m kinda an oddball here.¬† my mom (who was with me) and I just shrugged, “par for the course”.

library changes

due to employment rules and bullshit, I can’t say too much.¬† but things are really changing at the library.¬† the chain of command above my boss have been remodeled — to the point that we’re not really sure what’s going on.¬† my supervisor’s boss is emailing us about projects and stuff.¬† not wanting to go over my supervisor’s head, we peons are hesitant to engage the new boss; however, we also don’t want to seem aloof or incompetent to someone who has more power.¬† yay office politics!

secondly, on top of all this, we were supposed to be getting rid of Joule.¬† backstory: Joule, a child of Moodle, is an online software that allows instructors and students to interact, exchange files, take and grade tests, communicate via messages and forums, submit and grade homework, input and review grades, etc.¬† why the library is in charge, who the fuck knows?¬† we are not connected to the instructors nor to IT.¬† this should be one of their babies, not ours.¬† but whatever, we’ve been dealing with Joule forever now.

well, the contract with Joule is ending, and the school is going to be picking up Canvas, a similar software hosted by a different company.¬† we were thankful to be done with that monster (as there really needs to be a person whose sole job is Joule, rather than making it one of the many responsibilities of a person in a random different department).¬† but now, with boss’s boss coming in (he was originally just over IT, but recently picked us up too), he wants us to take over Canvas, plus all the other projects he wants us to do.

did I mention, by the way, one of our librarians was fired last month.¬† so we’ll be doing all this with fewer personnel too.¬† D:


Properties Control Technician

¬†however, none of this may apply to me in the near future.¬† again, I can’t say much, but I may get getting an interview for the school’s Properties Control Technician position.¬† basically, this position keeps track of and regulate all of the property that SLCC currently has as well as records and distribute those that are incoming.¬† the person is pretty involved with Accounting, but also dabbles in the business of basically everywhere else.¬† purchasing, receipts, vouchers, shipment, etc.

I have this experience on a smaller scale with multiple companies.¬† but I also was doing it alone, so I had to self-train and create my own system.¬† my only concern is that it involves traveling to other campuses — and I no longer have a valid license.¬† I know the Properties Control Manager; when he mentioned trying to get me an interview for this Friday, I was honest about the lack of driving ability (he already knew about the pending DUI charges).¬† paraphrasing, he said, “I do most of the traveling.¬† so if you do get hired, we’d figure something out.”¬† O_o

another caveat is that the guy who had this position before — he’s a good friend of mine.¬† he’s somewhat of an emotional an illogical bloke, so it crossed my mind that he may be angry or offended if I get the job from which he was fired less than two months ago.¬† but then again, I’m a bitch, I’m in serious debt, and I’m not emotional (in that sense), so fuck it, lol.

oh, and did I mention this: $31,000 salary?!  :DDDDDDDDD


Brian’s jobs

¬†Brian’s been as diligent as his ADD ass can be about applying for jobs.¬† simultaneously, he’s been taking a lot of substituting, tutoring, and proctoring jobs during the day.¬† he subbed for two weeks at a middle school; he proctored the LEAP test for elementary kids last week; and he tutors for about two hours every Sunday.

this Friday (holy shit, that’s tomorrow), he’ll be trekking out to Houston for some kind of job fair.

there’s also some company he applied to for something-something-Math-something.¬† apparently they’re looking for technical writers too; he sent me the link.¬† I’ve been told by several people that I should pursue technical writing, so I will at least look into it.¬† ::shrugs::



for a while now (like, maybe two weeks?), my cell phone would not accept calls.¬† a recording would come on to the caller saying that I wasn’t accepting calls and fuck you.¬† (paraphrasing, of course.)¬† so I spent two hours yesterday morning on the internet, on my cell, on my work phone talking to customer service, talking to Mum, and talking to Dad, trying to sort this fucking shit out.¬† AND SUCCESS!!¬† I CAN RECEIVE CALLS AGAIN!¬† however, said cell phone still has a battery life of only two hours.¬† so that’s on the to-do list now.¬† but hey, like I said, at least I can receive calls and voice mails.¬† (that’s right; people couldn’t even leave a fucking voice mail previously.)

I got two buddies of mine helping me amp up my PC.¬† I’ve got some great games on Steam that I can’t play, and it’s causing me distress.¬† details undecided, so updates pending.


bad habits + (hypo)manias

I’ve been good about the not drinking.¬† it’s still hard, as it’s my coping mechanism.¬† and not being on any goddamn antidepressants or anxiety meds, it’s making emotional/mental and stress management nigh impossible.¬† there have been days wherein I just go to bed at 7pm or so in attempts to no exist; often that works.¬† but other days, I’m too anxious to really be able to do that.¬† I typically trudge through the evening in those cases.¬† though on the rare occasion, I break down and have a few beers.

the cutting.¬† it’s legitimately returned.¬† it’s no longer a tease, a possibility.¬† it’s now a realistic option.¬† I haven’t gotten out of hand or terribly irresponsible with it.¬† however, bandages and scar tape are no longer under the sink, but now remain on top of the counter due to easy access for frequent usage.

I’m noticing other manic symptoms returning.¬† though my auditory hallucinations aren’t terrible yet, I believe they are returning.¬† as usually, it starts with just buzzing, beeping, screeching, or talking.¬† later it evolves.¬† I honestly do not typically get concerned until the next phase; rather, right now, I just observe.

but the counting, the washing, the cleaning, the arranging — all of my OCD tendencies are heightened.¬† I’m washing my hands unnecessarily.¬† I use hand sanitizer, wash my hands, then sanitize again in single session.¬† I’m counting things whose amounts I need not know.¬† I’m lining up and rearranging office supplies and furniture, both at home and at work.

and the patience.¬† I have none.¬† I want to stab Brian in his fucking eyeball with a rusty spoon everytime he flubs up, even just a little.¬† when Sean says something in passing that I can’t hear, I want to scream at him “STOP FUCKING MUTTERING!”¬† when a student asks a question, I’m fine; but when they disregard or criticize my solution or when the same person re-asks the fucking question, it’s all I can do to not kick them in the shin and then put their fingers in our paper cutter.

Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things.¬† I call this emotion “crying” and not “sadness” because that’s all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying.¬† My brain had partially learned how to be sad again, but it took the feeling out for a joy ride before it had learned how to use the brakes or steer.
~ Hyperbole and a Half

eventually, everything attempts to bring me to tears, even if I don’t actually really care.¬† a commercial, food, a comment, I just breakdown.¬† I think it’s just an overwhelming amount of emotions — stress, anger, sadness, mania, irritation, hopefulness, love, etc. — that are trying to get out, and fucking tears are the only way they can manage to get around my barriers.¬† Sean himself said something to the effect of how I don’t let myself feel things.¬† he’s all too accurate; and anyone who’s really known me for any length of time understands I’ve been like from the start, and I’ll probably always remain this way.