I have been having something scheduled for almost everyday. back to my old “keep busy to distract the Mind” trick. because when I’m not doing something, when I don’t have music or work or people to distract me, my thoughts get Dark again. “I wonder what would happen if I drove into oncoming traffic.” “I wonder how long of a fall it is off that bridge.” “I wonder it would feel like to have my wrists slit open.” Dark, dangerous thoughts.
thoughts I will not act on, granted. at least, not while properly medicated. and this is why I take my medication. this is why I have such a cocktail that I must take — to keep from obeying the Dark thoughts.
because life is generally pointless. I’m an American, and I’m watching my country fall apart at the hands of a bigoted piece of shit. who, mind you, is also trying to start a war with another country. hurricanes and earthquakes are destroying this continent. and that’s just the fun stuff on a large scale.
everyday, people are hurting others. sure, there’s a lot of good stuff and “pay it forwards” that happen too, and these just don’t show up in the stories as often. I understand that; I took journalism classes. however, I can’t handle the input of only negative shit every day.
and then there’s the Darkness in my mind, a force that somehow prevents me from experiencing joy sometimes. a power that mutates comments into insults and gazes into glares. a force that has me totally retracting from my partner for fear of worsening his life.
yeah, that’s the third level. the personal level. I can’t recall what exactly set it off, or if it was a single thing at all. but I’ve started pushing Brian away some. I don’t really know what to say on this matter. I just feel like trusting him make me weak, and I need to stand on my own some. I’ve become a limp noodle. I need to act as if there is no net beneath me.
I have no witty or insightful closing for this post. I’m tired and hungry, and I can’t think. so I’ll end just like this.