still Noisy, but less loud

been exactly a month since that last post.  not on purpose.  just how it works sometimes.

things are still Noisy in my Mind.

the Voices are coming back; although they are overall innocent.  they don’t give directions so much as they just talk amongst themselves.  chatty cathys are all they really are; basically harmless.

it’s the Noise that’s the problem.  and yes, that’s different.  Voices that give instructions are part of the Noise.  my own self-hatred and repetitive berating, my high pitch sound that whines in my head, the static that fuzzes over my attempts to escape — that’s all part of the Noise.  sometimes music can contribute to the Noise.

I can’t hardly handle it.  I’m supposed to take medication when it gets too bad. but how often will I admit that?  and many times, it gets really Noisy while I’m at work.  so yeah, let’s see about taking one of my klonopins or such then…

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in other news, I am physically ill.  I seem to have a generic winter cold.  the snow up here has been quite beautiful, however.  and we may be going to celebrate Christmas with the same family that offered us a Thanksgiving last year.  truly kind and welcoming people they are.

Christmas cards are going to be very late this year, lol.  I’ll make a post with more details about all that later tonight or tomorrow.  I’ll be collecting addresses there too.  but in the meantime, we’re:  Brian, James, and Zero; 200 Nathan Ln N, Apt 111; Plymouth, MN 55441-6466  😉

that’s all for now.  maybe something more informative later…..

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that traffic sure looks mighty fine

why the fuck did I think I could do this?

over the weekend, in an attempt to offer me advice and encouragement, Brian commeneyed, “it’s just like school. so you know what you have to start doing again, right?”  I responded, with mostly sincerity, “cutting…?”
after laughing at the delivery and despite himself, he disagreed. “study.”

and he’s right. except there’s no homework examples to be bringing home; it all must be learnt in the lab. and the entire process is very specific to this firm. they way they have certain accounts broken up, etc.

I can tell my supervisor was very frustrated with my performance this afternoon. I royally fucked up shit. I mean, we got it sorted out. but still, I forced him to have to do twice as much work on a task he shouldn’t have been having to do any.

they want me to become a notary public. this was not mentioned in the job interview. I don’t think I can, on account of the DUIs.

I almost walked in front of a speeding car this afternoon. on purpose. is that being parasuicidal again? I mean, I obviously didn’t do it. but there was a legit jerk in my step wherein I had to remind myself that supposedly suicide is not the answering.

which is fair. because I think suicide is the question. and for me, the answer should be “yes”.
instead, I’ll go home and cut a lot. or drink. (I try not to combine them anymore.) I also intend to make an SI travel pack again — blade, bandaids, and tiny neosporin. stays in the purse. for emergencies of the self-hatred kind.