the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops. ¬†so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course). ¬†also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous¬†times in the last two weeks. ¬†however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three. ¬†~sighs~

I’ve been totally¬†exhausted lately. ¬†like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds. ¬†that’s actually what¬†led to my forgetting to take them. ¬†over the weekend, I just got really, really tired. ¬†then Monday morning, I sleep in until I¬†absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready. ¬†and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week. ¬†today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds. ¬†I’d be late if I had turned around though. ¬†and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them. ¬†“it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one¬†knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand. ¬†(the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals. ¬†I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.) ¬†so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now. ¬†he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it. ¬†I did my best not to have an¬†emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded. ¬†but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all. ¬†I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him. ¬†and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off. ¬†but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning. ¬†I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me. ¬†I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage. ¬†I “see” myself doing and saying things. ¬†I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system. ¬†maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake. ¬†maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon. ¬†that would be a nice change of pace. ¬†I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while. ¬†though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired. ¬†like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.” ¬†an me being too tired to analyze something¬†— not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now. ¬†I’m just really off kilter. ¬†and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.