an update on The Cat

it’s over a week later, and I still can’t drive my stick-shift car or do my kickboxing because of Motherfucking Bastard.

Brian and I are aiming to return to Urgent Care tomorrow evening for a follow-up.  my thumb is still generally useless.

Contact emailed me yesterday to inquire as to how The Cat was doing, to let me know we may have an adopter, and to inform me the upcoming meeting has been rescheduled.  in my response, I was honest [names changes, of course]:

The Cat is still really skittish and hiding.  I’m concerned that our fostering her didn’t help much, as we are so rarely home.  Also, as we discussed on the phone that one night, she went from letting me pet her the first few days to hissing even when I would put food in the cage.  😦  We’re still trying to socialize her and the like, but again we are not home as often as she apparently now needs.
My parents and brother are coming into town from Louisiana sometime on Monday, June 12 (exact time currently unknown).  I can’t promise I can make the meeting, but I will try my best to.  Would we be able to return The Cat before then?  In further thought, I’m concerned the loudness of my family may frighten her.  (My dad and brother are very loud people, lol — even their “indoor voices”.)
Let me know what works for you and what you think would be best for The Cat.  I’m fairly flexible.
I never mentioned my hand.  I don’t think I will.  I don’t want her making a big deal out of it.  I just want this over and done with.
we still haven’t really seen The Cat.  Brian spotted her once before she slinked away into hiding again.  but that’s it.  to catch her, I’m afraid we’ll need a live trap.  that’s not a sign of a cat having been socialized.
I’m concerned this will affect my involvement with and acceptance in the organization that runs the adopt fairs and earns money for clinics (henceforth “The Org”).  I enjoyed volunteering for The Org, and I really support and appreciate what they do.  but Contact may use this experience as negative weight against my involvement with The Org.  and that would make me legit sad and disappointed.
granted, I have five million other organizations with which I volunteer, plus random things here and there (like a 5k event this weekend that I’m working instead of participating in).  but that’s not the point.  I don’t get turned down; I don’t denied: people don’t tell me “no”.
…but I guess that’s a topic for another, more psychological post.
for now, we’ll continue to hold on to The Cat.  I’ll let y’all know how this all unfolds.

just another day

yeah.  it’s a Tuesday.  at least it’s not Monday.  ugh, yesterday was rough.

though Tuesdays are my long days.  11-hours from start to finish; 7:30 am to 6:30pm.  blah.


I went by SpayNation today (that animal shelter for which I volunteer from time-to-time).  I hadn’t really given them any time for several months now.  too busy, too depressed.  but I talked to the manager about getting a new set of keys to the place so I can come by after work and on the weekends.  they’re only open when I’m at work, so that doesn’t work out well.

she’s game for that.  she wants to create a schedule.  maybe Tuesday nights after work I’ll swing by, and I’ll could take over her Saturday duties maybe every other weekend or something.  we’ll see.

Brian and I agree — I need to get more involved in volunteering.  it gave my life purpose — something I’m lacking right now.  :/

the last few months when I’d come by with old newspapers to donate, the manager always asked how I’m doing.  I hesitate, then give her minimal information.  today, she said she’s worried about me.  she said every time I come in, I’m getting worse.

my boss met with me yesterday.  she’s worried too, she said.

apparently that game Pretend — I’m not very good at it anymore.  the janitor at work has noticed I’m doing poorly.  I think my two office mates have noticed too, but are just being polite and aren’t saying anything.  the guy who works the bookstore has commented.  et cetera.  it’s seemingly apparent that I’m falling apart.

the manager at SpayNation suggested seeing a counselor or therapist.  I see my psychiatrist this Thursday.  I’ll ask him about it.  I just don’t think it’ll do me any good.  I already know most of the “tips’n’tricks” they’ll tell me about managing depression, anxiety, et cetera.  I’ve done all this before.  “write about it”; “talk about it”; “draw”; “take a nap”; “take a bath”; “deep breathes”; “read a book”; “draw on yourself instead of cutting”; “baby steps”; “use your support network”; “avoid triggering situations”; et cetera.  I heard it all.  I’ve been through all this before.

I can’t see me paying someone to talk about the things I write about here.  at least this way, it’s free.  moreover, maybe it’ll even help others who read it.  maybe they won’t feel alone, ya know?

tangentially, cutting.  I cut Monday morning.  just the typical light “FAIL” on my thigh.  I’m not gonna lie — it was kinda nice having that sharp pain every time my clothes rubbed against the open wound.  but I don’t want to over-romanticize it.  I can’t pick that habit back up again…..