my and this blog’s Purpose(s)

why did I start this blog?  what is my purpose in trying to post at least twice a week, in trying to collect a wide base of readers and fellow bloggers?  who am I to share this information, describe these experiences?

 

why am I writing?

I started a LiveJournal account back in … damn, May 2003.  I was pretty religious in my posting for many, many years.  I had almost 3k posts, with over 10,500 comments from others.  I still post on it sporadically.  but that was a journal.  I want this to be more.

I want to not only share my experiences regarding my mental disorders, my addictions, and my other physical and emotional struggles.  however, I also want to share my fandoms of games, movies, shows, and books.  I want people from home to learn of my adventures here in the north; and I want northerns to read about my transition to the “great white north” (lol).

but most importantly, I want to spread the knowledge of mental health and destroy the stigmas about those of us who don’t necessarily have all or our screws fully attached.  I want to give the same strength and inspiration to people that fellow bloggers and authors do — Jenny Lawson, Ellen Hopkins, Marya Hornbacher, Kay Redfield Jamison, Steven Levenkron, Natasha Friend, and countless others.

so I guess that’s the why.

 

who the fuck am I?

my name is James.  I’m a (as of Jan 2016) 29-year-old female.  in August 2015, I moved from deep southern Louisiana up to Minneapolism Minnesota when my boyfriend of five years got a job after earning his graduate degree.  I’ve had a wide range of jobs and experiences in the past — college campus security guard, heliport manager, writer, comic artist, professional photographer, bookseller, manager, dock worker, stable hand, librarian, Japanese-expo convention staff, countless and varied volunteer work, et cetera et cetera.  but among this all, I’ve struggled with intense mental and emotional disorders, as well as a generally broken and malfunctioning physical body.  (see Christine Miserandino’s “Spoon Theory” to see how closely those two kinds of ailments are interrelated.)

I suppose I could list my more dominant and overpowering struggles:

  • addiction
  • adult ADHD
  • anemia
  • bipolar I/manic depression
  • cervical hypolordosis & lumbar lordosis (spinal issues)
  • convulsive syncope (stroke-like event)
  • severe floating meniscus (in both knees)
  • generalized anxiety
  • obsessive compulsive disorder
  • self-injury (mainly cutting, bruising, and starving)
  • many sleeping disorders (including insomnia, rapid eye movement behaviour disorder, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, hyperactive REM, etc.)
  • many minor-to-moderate issues (such as: eating disorder, asthma, borderline personality, kleptomaniac tendencies, etc.)
  • and other fun shit I’m too lazy to think up and list

I’ve been going to counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, chiropractors, specialists, and a ton of other people who stick random letters behind their name, suggesting they can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.  of course, they are rarely successful; but it’s taught me to look for ways to “make things better” rather than find a “solution” or something.  ::shrugs::

I also have friends who have suffered some of the above, as well as things with which I was previously familiar before befriending them.  hell, my boyfriend with whom I lived for a year or so was a legit paranoid-schizophrenic — that was a rough ride!

on the fun side of life, I’m a nerd.  I’m a scholar, I’m curious, and I love information and learning.  I’m a fan of teen and young adult media, as well as science fiction, fantasy, drama, action/adventure, horror, and just fucking obscure or meta.  as aforementioned, I was even on staff many years for Louisiana’s largest and longest-running weekend-long anime convention.  I’m an avid reader, but also a heavy video gamer.  I love cars, motorcycles, technology, and other machines.  I also like to dress up once in a while, or just feel kinda pretty and “fancy as fuck”, as my friends have said over the years.  I’m an adrenaline junkie who will climb to the top and jump, or go as fast as physically possible; I love the outdoors, and the sun revives me like almost nothing else.  I’m a Crazy Cat Lady in progress, but I also love all animals (except ants — fuck ants!).  really, I dabble in everything — a Jill-of-All-Trades, if you will.

so that’s me.  ::shrugs::

 

TL;DR

I’m a female nerd in my late-twenties who’s really fucking up in the head and has a broken body — and this blog is me sharing my Story with the world.

 


WordPress University: Blogging 101

Day One: Introduce Yourself to the World

// from an assignment for
WordPress’s “Blogging University: Blogging 101
January 2016 course //

word vomit update

dude, so much has been going on lately.  I’ll guess I’ll do a brief, list-formed summary, as I’ve much to do.

 

to start it off….

I had a seizure a little over two weeks ago.  5am, I go to the bathroom to fill my water bottle.  I get dizzy en route, nothing major at first.  but by the time I’m at the sink, I can tell it’s going to be a big one.  so I put the toilet lid down and sit.  next thing I know, I’m balled up on the floor in Brian’s arms with him distantly calling out to me.  I can’t speak; my tongue is heavy.  I can’t hug or tap him to let him know I’m fine, because neither my arms nor legs will move.  and I’m still dizzy, so my head is heavy and wobbly.  and now suddenly, I’m nauseous (which, by the way, is one of the most difficult words to ever have to spell).

I finally respond, just barely, that I need to puke.  so he helps me lean over the toilet, and I let go.  by the time I’m done vomiting, I can actually communicate.  “what the fuck?” was, of course, my first words.

“I think you had a seizure.”

“…a … I what?”

“a seizure.  I think you just had a seizure.”  apparently, when I sat down on the toilet, I passed out and collapsed between it and the tub.  the sound woke up, but he figured I just had a slight fall.  then he hears a repeating thumping noise.  he goes to see and finds me between the tub and toilet.  when he finally pulls me out, my eyes were rolling in the back of my head and I was convulsing (thus the repeated thumping).  he said it was a good 30-45 minutes between his calling out to me and my actually responding.

he called into work for me, telling what happened, and that I’d be in when I could.  my boss said stay home all day, lol.  so I did.  and I slept on the bathroom until 1pm or so because everytime I sat up, I got so dizzy I threw up again.  even while lying on the floor, I was dizzy.

everyone finally convinces me to go to the doctor.  well, he wants to send me to a neurologist.  when he asked if I’d been to one before, I answered, “not really.  I got an MRI done a week after a stroke I had about six years ago.  but never a neurologist.”  that was apparently the wrong thing to say, because he then insisted I see a head doc.  that appointment is in two weeks now.  in the meantime, he put me (back) on anti-seizure medication, which are also mood stabilizers.

yet still meanwhile, this past Monday, I had all the dizzy and nauseous symptoms again.  though this time, there was no severe passing out or convulsions.  so I guess that’s an improvement.

and just think: this is only the first fucking topic of my oh-so wonderful Life Updates.

….ugh.

 

DUI

talked to a real lawyer today (not a public defender who blows you off and doesn’t give a fuck about you but takes your money anyway).  he said things are going to be bad, but possible not as bad as we thought.

said lawyer had me get all kinds of paperwork and write up several reports.  I’ve gotten lots of that done already.

apparently, “this is going to cost,” he said.  “but not money; don’t worry about that.  since you work at a library, I’ll have you do some volunteer work for a non-profit I’m involved in.  you’ll work in archives with newspapers and stuff.”  dude, this guy has no idea that this is one of the things I actually want to do for the rest of my life??

anyway.  another thing I learned from him is the interpretation of the license paperwork.  apparently I will not be able to drive a vehicle as of March 15th (that’s not this Sunday, but the next).  I can apply for a Restricted License, which will probably allow me to go to work, selected medical appointments (like my monthly visit you’ll soon read about), and maybe even the grocery store.  but otherwise, that’ll be it.

I’m not sure how terribly upset I am about that.  everytime I’ve gotten into the driver’s seat lately, I’ve wanted to take it off a bridge, into high-speed on-coming traffic, into a concrete wall, etc.  so I’m thinking I really shouldn’t be behind the driver’s wheel too much anyway.  (and also, it’s not like I go anywhere or do anything anymore anyhow. (and that was a lot of “any-“s….) )

 

medication

as per my psychiatrist’s and Brian’s request (the latter of which was not shared with me until my psych pulled it out with a few teeth), I contacted Townsend about going back to just the doctor, not the bullshit therapy too.

they said it’s been too long, but I could look into seeing a clinic that adopts the Townsend perspective.  so I contacted them.

$250 per visit (usually monthly), and they don’t take insurance.  I can, however, make the claim myself.  apparently most people get at least something back.

mind you, this excludes the medication itself.  O_o  if you recall, they had me on seven different meds, most of which I was taking twice a day and two even three times a day.  one of which, additionally so, was over $150 for only 30 days.  O_O

so yeah, all of the fucking money — which I don’t fucking have.

 

jobs

Brian got his first substitution job yesterday.  so he’s teaching three hours at UL on Thursday nights and will work with 8th graders for about two weeks while the teacher is out on maternity leave.

as of right now, I still have a job.  however, in a two-week period, six people at SLCC were let go (one of which was a coworker here in the library!).  we’re not technically in a layoffs, but I think they’re preparing for it.

I had my mid-year review with Katherine, and she’s very pleased with my improvements.  I also had a chance to explain myself (regarding my boredom), and she agreed to give me back a few of my old duties, plus help out Bill with a bunch of his.  so I’ve been extra busy at work, and I’m fucking loving it.

while helping Bill out, he mentioned how I could probably grow into a great technical writer.  so I’m looking into free technical writing classes.  sure, it won’t really be able to go on my resume.  but I could honestly say I have knowledge and practice of it.  ::shrugs::  it’s a direction.

I’m also considering trying out for the Cracked.com writing team.  I’m just not sure I’d ever find the correct tone of humour they want.  but hey, maybe the editors could direct me some in that….  anyway, just researching right now — nothing too serious.

 

moolah

I’ve filed for a determent in paying back my student loans.  I sent in my paychecks, my hospital bills, my credit bills, etc.  all the different reasons as to why I’m poor as fuck (other than evidence of my not being able to balance my income with Brian’s lifestyle).  so yeah, crossing my fingers on that.

meanwhile, I created a nice little spreadsheet to better track my finances.  I think, because of my situation, it will work better for me than those most people create.  this is not a budget, but more like a log.  it focuses more on what I currently have than on what I spent where — which is what I need currently.

 

electronics

I don’t know what the righteous fuck is going on, but everything that plugs into the wall and/or runs on batteries around me has been committing suicide — my car battery dies at least once very other week; the phone my dad is letting me borrow won’t hold a charge, no matter the battery (he bought extra) nor charger combinations I’ve used; my PC can’t play most of my games anymore; Brians’ computer has been randomly shutting down recently; the internet has been unusually slow; even my iPod is trying to give out.  I mean, fuck, IT came to look at my work computer, and now even that fucker is on the fritz!!  BAH.

I’m ready to just go live in the woods — no cars, no bikes, no liquor, no people, etc.

 

Bad Habits

so guess who’s eating disorder is coming back pretty strong?  oh yeah, this girl.  I’m restricting, though not terribly so yet.  but the fear and guilt and obsession are over-powering.  when Brian and I went to dinner for Date Nite Tuesday, I just stared at my food for a while before I could eat.  “oh, I’m just letting it cool down, is all,” I told him when he inquired.  in reality, I was preparing myself for the barrage of self-hate I was about to both experience and inflict.

I’ve returned to one of my homey ED sites.  I’m posting regularly, participating in challenges, etc.  hell, I even hosted my own mini challenge at one point.

I try to keep my caloric intake between 500 and 1000 — so I’m not actually starving myself, but also so I can minimize the self-hate.

I’m checking the scale every morning for sure, and typically everytime I use my home bathroom, and most nights.  I only record the morning one, though, as I know food and exercise influence weight and body fat.

when I was sick Monday, I got excited Tuesday morning at how low the scale read.  I knew it wasn’t going to last; but I basked in the joy I felt for the day.

it’s no secret: I’m overweight.  I’m not “fat” in the medical sense; but I am overweight.  I’ve and average of 34% body fat and 25.7 BMI.  so I’m not medically fat, but I’m bigger than both what is healthy and what I want.

anyway.  I’ve started obsessing with that.  I’m checking my ED forums and chats at work on my iPod every often.

meanwhile, today, I packed some extra bandages and a second razor to work.  I keep a little blade in my wallet all times, for “emergencies”.  a few smaller bandaids too.  in those cases, just a knick or two will siffice.  however, today was a Wound day, as in I snatched some of the larger bandage pads from my bathroom and snuck them along with me, just in case.

yeah, my SI hasn’t really officially returned (I’ve only just once or twice in the last few months, and only one session of hair-pulling).  but it’s teasing it.

 

so the good news!

fuck, this is all depressing.  so what good things have been going on?

well, as stated, I’ve picked up extra assignments at work.  and I’ve really impressed Bill with my timeliness, my skills, and products’ outputs.  of course, there’s a few tweaks to be made along the way so that they fit his overall picture better.  but typically, he’s greatly pleased with what I bring him.

I’ve updated my resume.  I also cleaned it up some.  I had the same boring style from back when I started college.  it was time for something fresh and more executive-like.  I’m still tweaking it, as the style is forcing the font to be small (or maybe I’m still including too much shit on it — which is actually what I think is going on).  anyway, if anyone wants to be a sweetheart and review it for me to provide suggestions, I’d fucking adore you for it!!  I think this link will take you to it: Parker-James-Christine_337-349-3009 .  that one specifically is for a generic office manager job.  like I said, I have a lot in it I can remove.  and then I’m going to edit it further for the technical writing jobs.  I’ll hit up people again to review that one.  (also, please let me know if the formatting open fonky for you!!)

ugh, and then I need to create a portfolio.  I need a collection of shit I’ve done — papers I’ve written, instruction manuals I’ve designed, projects I’ve completed, ideas I’ve birthed, stats I’ve achieves, etc.  any suggestions?? 😀

another good thing is getting my cat back.  :3   Zero had been at my parents’ place for over three weeks.  well, last weekend, I finally found the time and umph to snag him back home.  and OMG, was that cat fucking glued to me.  XD  I loved it, but at the same time it was like, “kitteh, I haz werk to do.”  so yeah, having my little butthead back has been nice.

Sean’s still crashing at our place.  without sharing too much of his personal life, his job is dragging their ass on paying him, so he’s in a tight spot.  between my falling apart and him having no money, it behooves us both to keep him here, lol.  but the lack of money really has him both depressed and concerned at the moment.  so in order to distract each of us, we watch various movies and shows together sometimes.  one such movie was Under the Skin.  if you’re going to look into it, do it as home as this is movie is amazing but sooooo NSFW, lol!!  all of the nekked Scarlett Johansson.  I mean, sexalicious.  but totally not something you want your boss to see you checking out while on the clock, lol.  (though if you do ever watch it without reading the spoilers first, let me know what your theory/take on the movie is.  :D)

I can’t find my Manifesto — the file in which I wrote up my short- and long-term goals, daily plans, virtues of life, etc.  I’m not sure this is a bad thing.  maybe it’s signifying a need to start over.  so I am.  a new file, a new outlook, etc.  and real goals too — such as get the fuck outta Louisiana….

ah, speaking of Louisiana — the recent weather.  it was finally warming up some.  until today, wherein it sneauxed.  ugh.  I suppose this is what most would actually just call a flurry or something.  but whatever, ice solidified and fell from the sky.  sneaux in Louisiana is so fucking uncommon, there’s even a gaddamn Wikipedia article about it!  XDDDD

 

so I guess that’s basically all that’s going on in my life.  sorry for the word vomit, but y’all know by now that’s kinda my style.

disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.