disclaimer

this is not an inspirational blog.  this is not a topic-specific blog.  more than anything, this is more of a journal than a “blog”.  if that doesn’t interest you, then stop reading.

however, if you are here to read about my adventures moving from the deep south up to Minnesota, follow the “Minnesota Maddness” category.

meanwhile, the prime topic in this blog will probably be about my Depression and Addictions, as they tend to consume my entire life.  other topics may include writing, books, video games, canoeing, sports, television shows, writing, and other adventures.

rain

it’s raining.  it’s not snowing ; it’s raining.  because it’s getting warmer, and water is no longer freezing.

we had neither the funds nor knowledge last year to really enjoy the winter.  we had no friends, didn’t know where anything is, and didn’t even know what all one could do to play in the snow.

this year, however, we should have done something.  we didn’t even make a fucking snowman this year.

yeah, I should’ve just gone and did something without him.  I should have made all the arrangements and told him I’m going, offering him to join me if he cares to.  but that’s all for another post.

there may be snow this Friday. but everything’s already melted so much, whatever comes down won’t make much of a difference.  he mentioned going up to somewhere like Duluth where they may still have snow.  I just shrugged, because I doubt there will be enough in which to really do anything.

but at least Rain is back.  and at least Spring is coming soon enough.  and hopefully, with it the Sun.

the days are obviously longer here in the summer than back home, just as they are shorter in the winter.  maybe the return of the Sun will help with my SAD.  though I suspect the Sun will rise, and I will still be horribly depressed, and we still won’t know how to fix it.

physical health mini check-in

I’ve been feeling a little weak these last few … well, weeks.  at first, I wrote it off to being on my period.  but my increased dizziness and appendage instability has persisted.  I’m left wondering just what it is.  hopefully it’ll pass soon, as I’m scheduled to donate blood on Saturday.  so we’ll see.

I’m eating well enough, I believe.  some days I could stand to have a little more meat or protein, but that shall always be the case for people with anemia.  I have at least two meals every day, usually three.  and it’s healthy meals, often paleo-influenced if not strict.  I’m not a sodas or sweets person.

maybe it’s the sunflower seeds.  due to the amount of fat and calories in them, and to just how many I’d consume in a single sitting, I’ve stopped purchasing them.  I think that’s from where I would get most of my protein, lol.  so perhaps that’s where a deficit has been created.

my ED is still ever-present.  by eating lower calorie foods — again, such as the salads –, my ED is noisy, but not pushy.  it understands that we have to find a balance of eating healthy and eating poorly (or not eating at all, as the case may be).

I haven’t had any alcohol for almost two weeks now.  I’m noticing that that, combined with limiting what I eat, is resulting is very minor weight loss. #NoShitSherlock  though I’m not sure how long we’ll keep this up, it’s very nice while it lasts.

I haven’t been working out. at all.  that’s been really sucky.  I’ve just been so tired or exhausted each morning.  and then most days, I get home from work too late.  but there’s this really awesome 5k that takes place in October that I want to do.  and another in July.  last time I had something for which I was specially training, I was so fucking committed.  this loose-ended “eventual” stuff doesn’t work for me.  even picking arbitrary goal dates doesn’t work.  an event forces my hand.  so maybe I’ll sign up to one (or both), and go from there.

Death of a Saleswoman

I’m a good saleswoman.  I can make you buy just about anything.  when I was just a peon at the portrait studio, I was capable of having you purchasing so many portraits, you wouldn’t know what to do with them all.  when I was a cashier at a book store, I constantly broke through the roof in membership card sales.  I was always one of the most successful Girl Scout cookies seller in my childhood.  I’ve always been able to get people to buy what I want to them to buy.

and this time around, I over-successfully sold me.

that’s how I feel at work.  I think I over-sold myself to them, and now I’ve screwed them over.  I did too well in the interview, because I’m obviously not nearly as competent and intelligent as I made myself out to be.

I wouldn’t say I’m a liar, because I’m not.  I just used stronger language than I should have, maybe.  instead of  expressing myself as comfortable and relatively experienced with finances maybe I should have said I’m an idiot with numbers as soon as you place a dollar sign in front of them (Brian can confirm the truth in that).  instead of telling them that I would be willing to relearn Spanish, I should have commented on my inability to really recall any information or facts.

I have done them a disservice in selling myself so well to them.  and this guilt is going to eat me alive.

GoT: Season One Review

I shouldn’t really need to post a Spoiler Warning for GoT with how far in it I’m behind.  my “spoilers” are just facts of the show at this point, lol.

nevertheless, here it is…

Game of Thrones Spoilers Behind Link

also, it’s not so much a typical review as much as it is just word vomit about the first season, lol.

Continue reading

Featured Image -- 4710

Feel

powerful quote that I need to keep in mind.

reblogging in hopes that it will guide others as it guides me.

Eyes + Words

1/30/2017

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from

that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break

you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason

you are  here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be

swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or

left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and

listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their

sweetness. Tell yourself  you tasted as many as you could.”

– Louise Erdrich


Photography by Marta Bevacqua

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medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.

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anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.

meds

so, my new cocktail is as follows:

Prescriptions

  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed

 

think I’m on enough pills….?

welcome back, old friend

I caught myself doing it again.  embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations.  I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred.  song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain.  I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.

this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far.  I realize it’s not healthy.  but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.

“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder.  because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury.  also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.

even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not.  I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today.  with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals.  lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more.  aye, there’s the rub.

help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.

~ Sia – “Breathe Me”